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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
This was...this was deleted. I took the story down so I'm not sure what you're all talking about...
Never mind. Wrong thing.
You know, this was fantastic: just a couple issues.
Firstly, as great and mildly informative as the dialogue is, there is way too much of it to be compared to your zero amount of background writing, or basically the descriptive informative stuff.
In saying that, your storyline is great, your characters have personality and the dialogue does work - nice and choppy.
Still, I would, personally (by no means do you have to do this - just a consideration) ensure that I add some background writing. Some of the 'Narrator's Voice' if you like.
Well done, though!
NightWriter x
Hi there LadyPurple! 'Tis Lavvie for a quick review.
I think I assume correctly when I think that this contest is supposed to be dialogue only? Now, dialogue-only stories are extremely difficult in the fact that many think them easier and shorter to write. Sure, shorter is right, but not always easier. Personally, I hate writing dialogue-only short stories since they're so very demanding in precision and clarity of facts and voice. This is naturally because, without narration, the writer must incorporate plot and suspense in action in solely the dialogue between one or two people. Either a writer can pull this off well or the writer fails miserably.
To be honest, LadyPurple, I wasn't a huge fan of your story here. There's nothing that completely draws me or appeals to my attention. It's just a bland dialogue, lacking the expected emotion and plot line. I see here there's a mysterious guy watching them or something? Unless you're limited by a word count, you may want to consider expanding upon this idea. This is your designated line to follow and it's what you've tried to write but you obviously have not succeeded in this. Write more. Describe some more, let us feel the emotions these two speakers are feeling as they watch this man. Are they watching warily? Suspiciously? Admiringly? All three? Reveal that to us and preferably in an implicit manner.
In order for this short story to succeed, you need to employ a good stance as writer with this piece. Currently, it's not that strong.
Yours,
Lavvie