Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Short Story » Fanfiction

E - Everyone

Sherlocks Intern Part 1

by LadyMysterio


Rachel ambled down the cobblestone sidewalk. Walking slowly both from the rain and her concentration. She loosened her grip on the umbrella handle allowing it to tilt back slightly. Granting her a better view of the rows of houses.

‘221B, 221B” she muttered as she sidestepped a lamppost.

“Ah, there it is,” she spotted a glossy black door.

The gold letters stated 221B just under the knocker.

She stomped her way up the few steps and raised her hand for the knocker and rapped it a few times.

Rachel stepped back from the door. Rocking back and forth on her heels, she waited for the telltale noise of steps coming to the door.

Instead, she got a thunder of hurried steps downstairs. A moment later, the door popped open.

Watson stood holding the door, slightly winded from his rush down the stairs.

“Hello, my dear,” he smiled.

Rachel smiled back,” Hello, Dr. Watson, is it? I am here for the intern position?”

“Ah yes, do come in,” he stepped out of the door," I must warn you Sherlock wasn’t, or rather, isn’t very, ecstatic, about this situation.”

Rachel placed her umbrella and coat in his outstretched hands,” about me?”

“Well, not exactly, you see. I was the one who ran the contest, Sherlock had nothing to do with it, “He didn’t figure it out?”

“Oh no, he did, but he let me have my fun, mostly because he doesn’t think you’ll last a week.”

By now they’d gone up the stairs and entered a somewhat dreary living room.

Rachel stepped into the middle of the room and surveyed it. Yellow and brown wallpaper framed a frumpy couch.

Watson flung open the sheer curtains to the right of the couch.

"Sherlock works mostly in the dark. I’ve become accustomed to it, so I don’t open these much. I was also out this morning, or I'd have opened them sooner.”

The light spilled onto a white table beneath, littered with papers.

She nodded, and her eyes dragged past, landing on a brick fireplace with two armchairs on either side.

“Would you like some tea?” Watson had continued the kitchen which opens right up from the living room.

“Tea would be great,.

Rachel sat down at one of the chairs at the small table that sat between the living room and the kitchen.

The Dr set the tea kettle on the stove. ”Sherlock is out helping Lestrade at the moment.”

He set down two china cups as the kettle whistled.

Watson swiftly turned the stove off and poured the steaming liquid.

He stepped over to the small fridge and opened it, gasped. Then grabbed the milk and closed it with a thunk,” For goodness sake Sherlock!”

Rachel leaned back,” Everything ok?”

“Yes,” the Dr fished out the tea bags from the cups, and poured in a few drops of milk,” Sherlock sometimes keeps his experiments in the fridge without telling me. Most aren’t very pleasant.”

“Mind me asking what is there now?”

Watson down set her cup down,” I’d rather not.”

“So unpleasant?”

“Yup.”

They sipped their tea for a few moments. Until the silence was broken by the squeak of the door downstairs, followed by a thunk that made the house shutter slightly.

“Watson! Put the kettle on!”

“I’ve just made tea Sherlock, it'll still be hot,” Watson stood up, glancing at Rachel.

As he was pouring another cup, Sherlock appeared.

He stalked over to the fridge, briefly opened it and then sunk into a chair at the table.

Rachel sipped more of her tea, watching them both. She set her cup down and shifted slightly towards Sherlock.

Watson looked at her again as he set sherlock tea down,” This is Rachel, she’s yo-”

“My intern,” Sherlock interrupted, finally glancing at her,” where is she staying?”

His gaze shifted to Watson, who’d sat back down.

“Mrs, Hudson said she could stay downstairs with her”

Watson turned to Rachel, “I don't recall you bringing anything?”

“My mother is dropping them off later.”

Watson nodded.

Silence enveloped them again, interrupted only by sips of tea.

The heavy London rain still fell outside, causing the cold to creep in.

Watson downed the last of his tea.

“Well,” he strode over to the fireplace,” I suppose it time I get a fire going in here”

Sherlock hummed and stood up, then planted himself in the chair by the window. His feet propped up on the table of papers. He shifted, then stared blankly at the curtains.

Rachel gathered the cups and set them on the counter, then knelt by Watson to help with the fire. She looked at Sherlock again, who was still staring.

“Is he ok?”

“Him?” Watson tilted his head at Sherlock,” he’s fine, just in his mind palace.” he reached out a hand.

“Mind Palace?" She handed him a piece of wood from the wood box.

“Yes, it's where he goes to think, in his mind.”

The dr set the gate back in front of the fire, sometimes I'm concerned he leaves his body."

He glanced at the clock,” Mrs. Hudson should have our dinner, now,” he stood up, Come I'll show you your room”.

They headed through the living room.

“Your landlady cooks for you?” Rachel asked.

“Neither I, nor sherlock can cook, so we either have takeaway or Mrs. Hudson cooks.”

They were soon down the stairs, and in the entryway, Watson opened a door, to one side of the stairs. He let Rachel through, and then stepped in and closed the door.

“This one,” The dr pointed to the second door on the left,” I'm going to get our food if you want to look around.”

He disappeared down the hall.

Rachel pushed open the door and felt for a light switch, squinting when it flashed on.

The room was sparse, a twin bed in one corner with a closet on the opposite wall. The only light came from the ceiling fixture.

“We might be able to find something to brighten it up,” Watson appeared behind her, holding a box.

Rachel jumped and spun around,” Dr! You scared me,” she glanced at the box. The sweet smell of food wafted out.

“Apologies,” Watson lifted the box when he noticed her gaze,” our dinner.”

“Let's get up the stairs before we devour this box and all,” Watson chucked. Rachel laughed and followed him back upstairs. 


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
38 Reviews


Points: 4512
Reviews: 38

Donate
Wed Oct 14, 2020 5:58 pm
ShadowQueen wrote a review...



Hey there! I was in the mood for a short story, so I thought I'd check this one out! :)

Rachel ambled down the cobblestone sidewalk. Walking slowly both from the rain and her concentration. She loosened her grip on the umbrella handle allowing it to tilt back slightly. Granting her a better view of the rows of houses.


As Plume mentioned, there should be commas in some places here, connecting the first and second sentences, and then connecting the third and fourth sentences, since full stops aren't really correct here.

‘221B, 221B” she muttered as she sidestepped a lamppost.


Just another comma here after 221B!

“Ah yes, do come in,” he stepped out of the door," I must warn you Sherlock wasn’t, or rather, isn’t very, ecstatic, about this situation.”


There are three things I noticed about this passage. First, saying he stepped out of the door is a bit odd, because it suggests he's actually coming out of a piece of wood. For this reason, I would change "door" to "doorway", because that's what he's really stepping out of. Second, the dialogue punctuation could use some improving. It should be written as “Ah, yes, do come in.” He stepped out of the door(way).[/quote] Last of all, the second line has too many commas in it. A more correct way of writing it would be [i]"I must warn you Sherlock wasn’t, or rather, isn’t very ecstatic about this situation.” This eliminates two unnecessary commas, and makes it look much better.

The Dr set the tea kettle on the stove. ”Sherlock is out helping Lestrade at the moment.”

He set down two china cups as the kettle whistled.

Watson swiftly turned the stove off and poured the steaming liquid.

He stepped over to the small fridge and opened it, gasped. Then grabbed the milk and closed it with a thunk,” For goodness sake Sherlock!”


These are all about Watson, so it would be best to combine them into a single paragraph like this (as well as a couple fixed mistakes):

The doctor set the tea kettle on the stove. ”Sherlock is out helping Lestrade at the moment.” He set down two china cups as the kettle whistled. Watson swiftly turned the stove off and poured the steaming liquid. He stepped over to the small fridge, opened it, and gasped. Then he grabbed the milk and closed it with a thunk. ”For goodness sake, Sherlock!”


Plume has really good suggestions for the dialogue punctuation, and you can use those to edit your story, so I'll skip over those and move on to other things!

Watson nodded.

Silence enveloped them again, interrupted only by sips of tea.

The heavy London rain still fell outside, causing the cold to creep in.

Watson downed the last of his tea.

“Well,” he strode over to the fireplace,” I suppose it time I get a fire going in here”


Again, these would look better condensed, like this:

Watson nodded. Silence enveloped them again, interrupted only by sips of tea. The heavy London rain still fell outside, causing the cold to creep in.

Watson downed the last of his tea. “Well.” He strode over to the fireplace. "I suppose it's time I get a fire going in here.”


The room was sparse, a twin bed in one corner with a closet on the opposite wall. The only light came from the ceiling fixture.


It feels like a bit of a short description of her room here. Try thinking outside the box in this part. Is there anything you can say to make the place seem more real to the readers?

I hope you found this helpful. Have a nice day!

- Shadow




User avatar
56 Reviews


Points: 450
Reviews: 56

Donate
Tue Oct 13, 2020 9:58 pm
Plume wrote a review...



Hey! Plume here, with a review!

I'm guessing from the context that this is meant to be based on the BBC Sherlock series, which I have seen (and enjoyed) so I'm coming into this with some context. Overall, I really enjoyed this piece! I found the concept to be great, and it's very reminiscent of the good old days of fanfiction. I feel like I've turned on my computer in 2010 and am reading this on Fanfiction.net.

That being said, I caught quite a few grammatical errors. I'll take the pains of going through this, bit by bit, and fixing them.

First off, the title should be "Sherlock's Intern" with an apostrophe. Sorry. Just thought I'd point that out.

Rachel ambled down the cobblestone sidewalk. Walking slowly both from the rain and her concentration. She loosened her grip on the umbrella handle allowing it to tilt back slightly. Granting her a better view of the rows of houses.


So. Here in the first paragraph, we have some lovely scene setting and description. However, you've got two sentence fragments as their own sentence. This is an easy fix. Just connect the first and second sentences with a comma, and do the same for the third and fourth, so it looks more like this.

Rachel ambled down the cobblestone sidewalk, walking slowly both from the rain and her concentration. She loosened her grip on the umbrella handle, allowing it to tilt back slightly, granting her a better view of the rows of houses.


‘221B, 221B” she muttered as she sidestepped a lamppost.

“Ah, there it is,” she spotted a glossy black door.

The gold letters stated 221B just under the knocker.


So. Here I noticed a couple small things. First: you need quotation marks, not an apostrophe, before 221B. Second: you treat "she spotted a glossy black door" like a dialogue tag. It's not. So instead, put a period and make it two separate sentences, like this:

"Ah, there it is." She spotted a glossy black door. The gold letters stated 221B just under the knocker.


(I'd also suggest combining the last two sentences in that chunk into one paragraph, as demonstrated above.)

You actually do this dialogue-tag-but-not thing a lot in this piece, exhibited in:

“Ah yes, do come in,” he stepped out of the door," I must warn you Sherlock wasn’t, or rather isn’t, very ecstatic about this situation.”


and

“Hello, my dear,” he smiled.


and

“Well,” he strode over to the fireplace,” I suppose it's time I get a fire going in here.”


Point is, there's a lot of it. So here's a little crash course in dialogue tags.

When I say dialogue tags, I mean words like "said" or "agreed" or "whispered." Words that imply speaking, and who's doing the speaking. You connect dialogue tags to the dialogue itself with commas. But when you have another verb, one that ISN'T a dialogue tag, you use a period at the end of the dialogue, like so:

“Hello, my dear.” He smiled.


This makes a lot more sense, when you think about it. One can't exactly smile out a hello, can they?

I also noticed that a lot of these come from you attempting to interrupt the dialogue with an action. Pardon my capitals, but NEVER, EVER USE COMMAS TO INTERRUPT DIALOGUE. Instead, surround the action with M dashes, which are like hyphens, but longer. When done properly, interrupted dialogue looks like this:

"Well"—he strode over to the fireplace—"I suppose it's time I get a fire going in here."


You can also just end the first bit of dialogue with a period, and continue it after, like this:

“Well.” He strode over to the fireplace. "I suppose it's time I get a fire going in here.”


A couple more repeated issues:

1) You seem to have a weird thing going with spaces and quotation marks. When you end the sentence with dialogue, make sure there's not a space between the quotation mark and dialogue. There should NEVER be a space between a quotation mark and dialogue.

2) You shorten "Dr. Watson" to simply dr. That's fine, but you should make sure you spell it like "doctor" with a lowercase D, rather than Dr or dr. It's easier to read, and as a policy, that's more a title that should be followed by a last name. It would be like referring to a character as "the Mrs." rather than "the missus."

There are also a few issues with punctuation and capitalization. I'd suggest brushing up on your comma and period rules, and also what words to capitalize or not. Or perhaps investing more time in proofreading.

Wow, I kinda tore up your piece, didn't I? I meant it all to be helpful, I promise. Speaking of promise, this piece has a lot of it. I think the mistakes hinder it a bit, but overall, you've got really original ideas and a good way of executing them. I could read the dialogue in the character's voices, showing your understanding of their language signatures, and I could definitely visualize things clearly. You're a great writer, and reading this cheered me up!! Hope you got something helpful from this, and I can't wait to see what comes next!




LadyMysterio says...


Thank you so much for the review!! I'm so glad you enjoyed reading it. I noticed the tag not tag thing, but forgot to fix it. I actually haven't watched BBC series, but I've watched clips on YouTube.



Plume says...


Wait, really? You are a very dedicated clip-watcher, then. I'd have never been able to tell that you hadn't watched the series. So, props!




"He looks like a turtle who's been through the Vietnam war."
— SirenCymbaline the Kiwi