Hey there! I was in the mood for a short story, so I thought I'd check this one out!
Rachel ambled down the cobblestone sidewalk. Walking slowly both from the rain and her concentration. She loosened her grip on the umbrella handle allowing it to tilt back slightly. Granting her a better view of the rows of houses.
As Plume mentioned, there should be commas in some places here, connecting the first and second sentences, and then connecting the third and fourth sentences, since full stops aren't really correct here.
‘221B, 221B” she muttered as she sidestepped a lamppost.
Just another comma here after 221B!
“Ah yes, do come in,” he stepped out of the door," I must warn you Sherlock wasn’t, or rather, isn’t very, ecstatic, about this situation.”
There are three things I noticed about this passage. First, saying he stepped out of the door is a bit odd, because it suggests he's actually coming out of a piece of wood. For this reason, I would change "door" to "doorway", because that's what he's really stepping out of. Second, the dialogue punctuation could use some improving. It should be written as “Ah, yes, do come in.” He stepped out of the door(way).[/quote] Last of all, the second line has too many commas in it. A more correct way of writing it would be [i]"I must warn you Sherlock wasn’t, or rather, isn’t very ecstatic about this situation.” This eliminates two unnecessary commas, and makes it look much better.
The Dr set the tea kettle on the stove. ”Sherlock is out helping Lestrade at the moment.”
He set down two china cups as the kettle whistled.
Watson swiftly turned the stove off and poured the steaming liquid.
He stepped over to the small fridge and opened it, gasped. Then grabbed the milk and closed it with a thunk,” For goodness sake Sherlock!”
These are all about Watson, so it would be best to combine them into a single paragraph like this (as well as a couple fixed mistakes):
The doctor set the tea kettle on the stove. ”Sherlock is out helping Lestrade at the moment.” He set down two china cups as the kettle whistled. Watson swiftly turned the stove off and poured the steaming liquid. He stepped over to the small fridge, opened it, and gasped. Then he grabbed the milk and closed it with a thunk. ”For goodness sake, Sherlock!”
Plume has really good suggestions for the dialogue punctuation, and you can use those to edit your story, so I'll skip over those and move on to other things!
Watson nodded.
Silence enveloped them again, interrupted only by sips of tea.
The heavy London rain still fell outside, causing the cold to creep in.
Watson downed the last of his tea.
“Well,” he strode over to the fireplace,” I suppose it time I get a fire going in here”
Again, these would look better condensed, like this:
Watson nodded. Silence enveloped them again, interrupted only by sips of tea. The heavy London rain still fell outside, causing the cold to creep in.
Watson downed the last of his tea. “Well.” He strode over to the fireplace. "I suppose it's time I get a fire going in here.”
The room was sparse, a twin bed in one corner with a closet on the opposite wall. The only light came from the ceiling fixture.
It feels like a bit of a short description of her room here. Try thinking outside the box in this part. Is there anything you can say to make the place seem more real to the readers?
I hope you found this helpful. Have a nice day!
- Shadow
Points: 4350
Reviews: 135
Donate