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E - Everyone

Chapter one, Captain Muriel.

by LadyMysterio


The dark sea sparkled as the sun shone. Waves lapped against the side of the ship as it slowly swayed, its bow cutting cleanly through the water. Above the full white sails, the jolly roger fluttered in the wind.

Muriel walked the length of the ship, her high heeled, wedged boots dully tapping on the deck. as she reached the bow she took off her hat before the wind did, and leaned on the railing. She breathed in the salty air, the wind playing with her mid-length brown hair, that was pulled back in a ponytail. she glanced at the sun high in the sky.

Muriel set her hat on the desk and raised the sextant in her hand, measuring the distance between the sun and the horizon. Memorizing the angle in her head, she turned and headed back toward the captain cabin.

When she reached the door, she noticed it was slightly open, peeking inside she spotted a young man poking through her guns.

Sighing in annoyance, she slipped inside.

If Dustan keeps sneaking around, I'm going to feed him to the ocean!

Closing the door quietly, she crossed her arms.  "I don't remember granting you permission to enter my cabin, Dustan."

The lanky figure jumped slightly.

"You never said no?" Dusan turned pistol still in his palm.

"I'd suggest you check that attitude," she held out her hand.

Dustan slapped the gun in her palm, "my  sincerest apologies, Captain, I thought this was a pirate ship."

"On this pirate ship we have basic manners and respect," she set the gun back on the shelf, "you may go now."

Dustan scowled and pushed through the door.

Captain Muriel sighed. When men wanted to join her crew, they didn't expect their captain to be a woman. If they did join, it usually took some time for them to respect her. Dustan seemed to despise her being captain completely. Sometimes only taking orders from the male admiral, her best friend, Cornard. Who usually prompted Dustan to respect her.

She walked over to her desk, and sitting down she opened the main drawer.

Muriel grabbed a leather notebook and the pot of ink that was securely fastened in the drawer to avoid spilling. She dipped a quill into the ink and wrote the angle number from her head, latitude. Then she checked her pocket watch set to Greenwich time. Then the pocket watch in her desk, determining the longitude by every four minutes that differed on the Greenwich clock to the normal one. Meaning the ship had travel one longitude degree. She quickly calculated the result in her mind and jotted it down.

 A shout outside caused her to jump, the quill fell out of her hand, leaving a streak on the page.

"What in the blazes." She stood and rushed out of her cabin. 

Conrad met her at the door. "Captain, they spotted us," he pointed to the ship heading in there direction.


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153 Reviews


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Tue Mar 10, 2020 7:24 pm
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4revgreen wrote a review...



Hey there! Che here for a quick review. :-)

I'll start by pointing out any grammatical errors I spot and areas I think could use some rewording :-)

The dark sea sparkled, as the sun shone.

You don't actually need the comma in this sentence!

Waves lapped against the side of the ship, as it slowly swayed, its bow cutting cleanly through the water.

You don't need the comma after "ship"

Muriel walked the length of the deck, her high heeled, wedged boots dully tapping on the deck.

You've used the word "deck" twice in this sentence, which makes it a little clumsy to read.

Reaching the bow she took off her hat before the wind did, and leaned on the railing.

I think this would read better as "As she reached the bow..."

She breathing in the salty air,

I think you meant "breathed"

she glanced at the sun high in the sky.

You've missed the capital letter on "she"

Setting her hat down on the deck, she raised the sextant, measuring the distance between the sun and the horizon. Memorizing the angle in her head she turned and headed back toward the captain cabin.
Reaching the door, she noticed it was slightly open, peeking inside she spotted a young man poking through her guns.
Slipping inside, she closed the door, quietly, "I don't remember granting you permission to enter my cabin, Dustan."

I've highlighted in bold all the times you used a verb to start a sentence. I would avoid doing this too much as it doesn't flow as well as it could. I'd suggest playing round with these few lines.

Sometimes only taking orders from the male admiral, her best friend, Cornard. Who usually prompted Dustan to respect her.

I'd suggest rewording this a little to something like "Sometimes they only look ordered from the male admiral, Cornard, who was her best friend. He usually prompted Dustan to respect her." It just flows a little better.

So, I really enjoyed this piece. I love that the captain is a woman, as most stories usually focus on men. Muriel seems like an intelligent character who I am going to love! The dialogue was great, and seemed believable. I wish that there could've been some emotions included, on Muriel's part, so I could empathise more with her about not being taken seriously due to being a woman captain.

Anyway, I am really looking forward to the next chapter!

Keep writing!




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Tue Mar 10, 2020 3:15 am
Gnomish wrote a review...



Hey there!

Let's jump straight into the review!

I really like the excellent imagery going on in the first couple paragraphs. It introduces the setting and sets the scene without being dull.

She breathing in the salty air, the wind playing with her mid-length brown hair, that was pulled back in a ponytail. she glanced at the sun high in the sky.

A little typo, I think you mean breathed. Another finicky little thing here, I don't think you need a comma. Also in the sentence I think it would sound smoother if you said "the sun which was high in the sky.

Memorizing the angle in her head she turned and headed back toward the captain cabin.

I would put a comma between head and she.

I really like the idea of Muriel being the female captain of a pirate ship, and so far she seems like a really neat character. It's too early to get a good grasp of the other characters, but I'm looking forward to reading the next chapter!

I'm sorry all I had to review were typos and grammar things, and I hope it wasn't to harsh.
-Gnomish




LadyMysterio says...


Thanks fro the review!
I like it when ppl point out typos and grammer, because, since I've read this about twenty times, my brian doesn't notice it.
-Lady Mysterio



Gnomish says...


Good to know, I'm the same way!




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— Professor McGonagall