Hey there! Che here for a quick review.
I'll start by pointing out any grammatical errors I spot and areas I think could use some rewording
The dark sea sparkled, as the sun shone.
You don't actually need the comma in this sentence!
Waves lapped against the side of the ship, as it slowly swayed, its bow cutting cleanly through the water.
You don't need the comma after "ship"
Muriel walked the length of the deck, her high heeled, wedged boots dully tapping on the deck.
You've used the word "deck" twice in this sentence, which makes it a little clumsy to read.
Reaching the bow she took off her hat before the wind did, and leaned on the railing.
I think this would read better as "As she reached the bow..."
She breathing in the salty air,
I think you meant "breathed"
she glanced at the sun high in the sky.
You've missed the capital letter on "she"
Setting her hat down on the deck, she raised the sextant, measuring the distance between the sun and the horizon. Memorizing the angle in her head she turned and headed back toward the captain cabin.
Reaching the door, she noticed it was slightly open, peeking inside she spotted a young man poking through her guns.
Slipping inside, she closed the door, quietly, "I don't remember granting you permission to enter my cabin, Dustan."
I've highlighted in bold all the times you used a verb to start a sentence. I would avoid doing this too much as it doesn't flow as well as it could. I'd suggest playing round with these few lines.
Sometimes only taking orders from the male admiral, her best friend, Cornard. Who usually prompted Dustan to respect her.
I'd suggest rewording this a little to something like "Sometimes they only look ordered from the male admiral, Cornard, who was her best friend. He usually prompted Dustan to respect her." It just flows a little better.
So, I really enjoyed this piece. I love that the captain is a woman, as most stories usually focus on men. Muriel seems like an intelligent character who I am going to love! The dialogue was great, and seemed believable. I wish that there could've been some emotions included, on Muriel's part, so I could empathise more with her about not being taken seriously due to being a woman captain.
Anyway, I am really looking forward to the next chapter!
Keep writing!
Points: 6841
Reviews: 235
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