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Young Writers Society



Stitched Heartbeat

by fatherfig


I'm broken beyond bandaids and needles, lay your head on my chest dear. Can you hear my heart? It's stopped.

"I can hear it, mum."

Of course you can't. Now, I'll ask you to stay with your Gram.... She'll take care of you.

"But mum!"

Bye dear.

"Mum no, you can't leave!"

Medicine has failed me dear, go.

"Stop giving in! I'll not let you go without me!"

No! Not you dear.... Not you.

"Stay. Stay, because I count on you. Father's gone mum. They can't take you too."

What's that sound dear?

"What sound?"

That beating?

"That's your heart mum.... That's your heart beating. It never stopped. Mum he's gone but I'm not. I love you."

I love you too.

"Promise?"

Yes dear, I do.

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25 Reviews

Points: 30
Reviews: 25

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Sat Aug 29, 2020 12:07 pm
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BIHXY wrote a review...



well, i liked this a lot. firstly, the title was eye catching and kinda suspenseful, the style it was written with was unique and fresh, the content was sensible and emotional for me. i love that your poem invoked feelings and emotion in me. you do know your way around with words. i truly loved "the stitched heartbeat" and the dialogue take on the poem . the persona was well represented and the feelings of the speaker are loud and clear. great stuff over here..raise the bar even higher keep writing!




fatherfig says...


<3



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56 Reviews

Points: 962
Reviews: 56

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Thu Aug 27, 2020 6:07 pm
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JoyDark wrote a review...



Hi! I like this piece a lot. The way you structure the dialogue to create such an emotional scene is amazing. I have a feeling that the fact that the mom doesn't have quotation marks around her words is a stylistic choice, so I won't bring it up again. Overall, I felt this. A woman who feels like she needs to let go of life, contemplating suicide in a way. Her daughter's words are the only things that bring her back, and her love for her mother is shown through her words.

I almost feel like this is a metaphor for suicide and coming back from the brink of it. We're not sure why this woman is just giving up living. (Maybe the death of the father? That's alluded to in this short snippet, anyway.) We just know that she is. Or at least, that she wants to. She's almost trying to will her heart into stopping beating, or deluding herself that it has stopped, fading away from the world and into a sort of daydream. She seems resigned to this, not overly sad, in contrast to her daughter's words, who carry emotion. She's almost terrified that her mother is going to fade away right from her very eyes. She almost seems to know that she's the only hope of bringing her mother back from this brink. And it seems like she does at the end.

As much as I don't like criticizing this, there are a few spots that I think could be improved:

I'm broken beyond bandaids and needles, lay your head on my chest dear.

First of all, I really like this line and the sentences immediately after. It draws you in right away and shows the tone and mood of this piece. Aside from that, it really shows how this woman is feeling. I feel her resignation, like a heavy sigh, in each word.

If I were you, though, I'd fix this punctuation. Technically, the way you've written it, both sides of the comma are independent clauses, which means they can stand on their own in a sentence. A comma can't connect two independent clauses. What you can do here instead of a comma is just change this to two separate sentences or put a semicolon where the comma is now. It's up to you.
Now, I'll ask you to stay with your Gram... She'll take care of you.

Super minor: Have four dots on that ellipse instead of three.
No! Not you dear... Not you.

Same here.
"That's your heart mum... That's your hearts' beating. It never stopped. Mum he's gone but I'm not. I love you."

It's not "That's you hearts' beating," it's "That's your heart beating."

Also, just throughout the piece, I might add commas before the word "dear." It just makes it look better. For example, it might look better if it's "lay your head on my chest, dear" instead of "lay your head on my chest dear," which is how you wrote it. It happens kind of throughout your piece. If it's stylistic, I'm sorry, but it really does kind of making look more appealing to the eye. (I'm not trying to offend you, so if I just did I'm truly sorry.)

You don't need to take any of my suggestions. Please just know that I really like this scene. I like how it's written, I like the characters, I like the conflict, I like the ending, and I like how it all plays out. This is something I can visualize, even though it's written so simplistically. In this piece, less is more, and you have given us so much more. Good job. :D




fatherfig says...


Thank you I will fix those elipse's. Keep reviewing. <3



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29 Reviews

Points: 148
Reviews: 29

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Thu Aug 27, 2020 4:39 pm
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AngelLily wrote a review...



Hey, AngelLily with a review.

First off, I just wanna say, wow. That was good. You did the dialog well. As far as grammar goes, in the beginning when it says: "I can hear it, mom." I think you meant: "I can't hear it, mom." So you might want to change that, because it confused me when in the next sentence you wrote: Of course you can't.

In the sentence: "That's your heart mum...That's your hearts' beating." There were a couple errors. It should be: "That's your heart, mum...That's your heart beating." You do need commas after "mum", also in the beginning you said mom first, so if you wanted to keep your dialog parallel you might want to change "mom" to "mum" consider that is what you used most.

Overall, good job. Keep writing and stay safe!
~AngelLily




fatherfig says...


No "I can hear it, mom." and then "of course you can't" were show casing the mothers denial. I do need to change that mom bit but the rest was stylistics. Thank you for your Feedback :) <3 Keep Reveiwing.




Writing is like love: the real thing is a lot less romantic
— dragonfphoenix