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Sour Taste

by LadyBug


Sitting down, she looked up at the moon and laughed for no reason. Pearl twirled the blue sapphire ring that was on her finger round and round. It was a nervous habit she had developed since James had put it on her finger. She didn't love James, she didn't even really like him but he was rich enough, handsome enough, and dumb enough to never realize she was cheating on him with someone a thousand times better.

Behind her, she heard a twig crack, but she didn't think about it because she was so deep in the pine forest only animals would be around. She looked at the moon again, this time with tears in her eyes because she was engaged to a man she hated. She quickly looked down and wiped her tears on the sleeve of her blue wool sweater.

Suddenly, she heard footsteps behind her on the frozen winter grass. She jumped up and turned around to see it was Alec, her big secret. "Hello," he whispered in his low, elegant voice. A shiver went up Pearl's spine. "How did you find me out here, I thought I was alone," Pearl teased. "I had an idea and I had to find you," Alec said. He pulled the ring off of her finger and held it in his palm. "We need to kill James."

He threw her ring deep into the forest and looked at her with a cold glint in his eyes. "No, you can't do that!" cried Pearl. "Why not? I thought you didn't even like him." Alec said accusingly. "I don't but that doesn't mean we should go and kill him," she replied. "If you think that's the way to go then I don't want to see you anymore." She ran off into the night, tears in her eyes once again.

After a short while he caught up to her and grabbed her from behind. "LET ME GO!" she screamed. He didn't reply, he just pulled her off. He dragged her to a lake and pulled something shiny out of his pocket, it was a gun. He let her go and pushed her to the ground. She was too terrified to move, even though she knew she should take off. He pointed it at her and looked her in the eye. She still couldn't move. This was her end.

She closed her eyes and waited for the sound of the gun, the smell of her blood, the pain. But it didn't come. She opened her eyes and saw she was in bed, the ring was still on her finger and she was in her PJs. She told herself that it was just a dream that left a sour taste in her mouth every time she saw Alec. But she had a scab in the exact same spot where her lip bled in her dream, and the ring had a scuff that wasn't there before....


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159 Reviews


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Thu Mar 07, 2019 4:07 pm
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Honora wrote a review...



Hi Jade! I figured since Abnormals was so well done, I'd come check out what else you had.
Review time...it flowed nicely and I didn't get confused with what was going on. It was an easy read, which was nice. One thing that I caught on to is that it went straight from her running off to in the night to him catching her. Maybe add something in there saying that she heard his footsteps behind her grow louder rapidly or something. It would be nice to have some idea that he is chasing her before she gets caught. You know what I mean?
Also, the only other thing that I think could use some editing (could be just me though), is when they are talking. I don't know why, but I don't like it when characters are speaking and it is all put into one paragraph. It gets a little confusing after a while and it just doesn't flow very nicely.
Other than that, AWESOME JOB! I really liked how it was a "dream" but that it may not have been after all. It is very intriguing so good job! I will definitely read the next part when I come back on! (I wish I could read it right now but I'm technically supposed to be doing school...;))




LadyBug says...


XD thank you, from now on I will make the talking separate on it's own paragraph. I'm glad you like my work! If you want I can tag you when part two of Abnormals comes out?



Honora says...


Sure! I would be eternally grateful if you did XD



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Wed Mar 06, 2019 4:22 pm
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Liberty wrote a review...



Hey Jade! (That rhymes!)

Hope you're doing well. I'm here to give you a review. Let's get right on to it, now shall we? Alright. I absolutely love this story! This is great! Okay so I just have one recommendation. You know how people use one paragraph for one dialogue?'m going to use your story as an example:

Suddenly, she heard footsteps behind her on the frozen winter grass. She jumped up and turned around to see it was Alec, her big secret. "Hello," he whispered in his low, elegant voice. A shiver went up Pearl's spine. "How did you find me out here, I thought I was alone," Pearl teased. "I had an idea and I had to find you," Alec said. He pulled the ring off of her finger and held it in his palm. "We need to kill James."


That's what YOU wrote. What I'm trying to say is that it should look more like this:

Suddenly, she heard footsteps behind her on the frozen winter grass. She jumped up and turned around to see it was Alec, her big secret. "Hello," he whispered in his low, elegant voice.

A shiver went up Pearl's spine. "How did you find me out here, I thought I was alone," Pearl teased.

"I had an idea and I had to find you," Alec said. He pulled the ring off of her finger and held it in his palm. "We need to kill James."


You should add a space in between two paragraphs like I just showed you there. Making each dialogue have their own paragraph makes it easier to understand who is talking and who is listening. I hope you understand what I'm trying to say here.

I really liked how you described everything so well. It was like I could FEEL it too. That sounds weird but I'm just saying what's on my mind. I could literally FEEL the pain that Pearl was going through even though I've never HAD that type of pain in reality. (That sounds stupid, but whatever.) Great job!

Overall, I really liked this story and I'm obviously going to go read the second part.

Keep on writing!

~Liberty500




LadyBug says...


Thank you! In part three I'll add more space. Thank you for the suggestion and the review!



Liberty says...


Your welcome! :)



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Tue Mar 05, 2019 12:33 am
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Miraculor77 wrote a review...



Woah.
I actually felt afraid when Pearl felt afraid.
This short story is really good, and if you can, you should do a part two.
The transitioning can be improved, and developing Alec's persona a bit more would help too. Also, you can make the chapter a bit... clearer, like by making Pearl's feelings about James clear. In the first paragraph she just sounded as though she didn't care about being engaged to him, and in the paragraph right after you wrote that she hated him.
Now for some things that I liked:
The way you built up suspense is really good.
The storyline is very interesting.
You should totally do a part two if it isn't too much.
Keep writing,
Miraculor




LadyBug says...


I am going to do a part two, I am glad you liked part one. Thank you for the pointers and to clear up Pearl's feelings: She hates him but said yes to being engaged to him for his money. Thanks for the review!



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Mon Mar 04, 2019 8:55 pm
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TheSweetSongOfGrace wrote a review...



Hello Jade! I hope you are enjoying the Young Writers Society. I am fairly new here too. Anyways, your writing was overall great! I loved the way you portrayed the character's fear. And, the scene is well described. I can almost see the girl's fear and the moonlight on the grass. Your story is well written. However, I wish you could have transitioned a little bit better. And, maybe made the chapter just a little bit clearer? Sort of? Adjust the flow of it? But, again overall the piece was great. I would love to read more. Please make another chapter! Have a great day! Your friend, Grace




LadyBug says...


I originally wanted this to just be a short story but I do have ideas for a part 2. Thank you for the review, too! I will use what you said to make part 2 better. Thank you a million :)



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Mon Mar 04, 2019 1:05 am
Anma says...



Thank you




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130 Reviews


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Reviews: 130

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Mon Mar 04, 2019 12:54 am
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Anma says...



I love this piece of work it very appealing, it makes me want to read more of it. Its very professional, If you ask me at least, Lol. I hope to read more, and if it's not a big favor if you would like to at least. I would want you to read my newest post, and I’d love your feedback. Keep up the good work!




LadyBug says...


Thank you for the glowing review. I'd love to check out your newest post!




Yesterday is not ours to recover, but tomorrow is ours to win or lose.
— Lyndon B. Johnson