Published December 8, 2014
Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
What if I told you that I wanted to die?
Would you sit down and cry with me,
Or tell me that I've had enough
And to just give up?
What if I told you it gets worse at night?
Your lips are poison.
They make or break me.
It scares me sometimes,
You scare me.
They say that the monsters live inside of us
And that sometimes they win.
I guess they were right.
We are all just broken people
Without a God to fix us.
It is time to face reality,
Wipe my tears, turn away from my reflection, and pull the trigger.
Because my monster has won.
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141,399 Literary Works • 674,390 Reviews
Hi there !
I find this poem really emotional and quite deep. You made sure to put plenty of detail into your poem. You had no grammar or spelling mistakes which is always good. This poem will be one of my top tens always .
Hope you enjoyed your feedback !
-Angel ^--^
Hi!
Oh my god, I love your poem!
It is wonderfully written and I suppose you put a lot of emotion in it.
Keep up the good work!
- Pavlina
Hello.
Your poem is amazing. I really enjoyed it. Sadly there are so many people out there going through this. Anyway I feel like you maybe could have added more. As a reader I enjoyed it, but I really felt like you could have said more. Maybe put more emotions and feelings into. Please don't get me wrong this is a great poem, but I feel like you could expand it more. Anyways this is great and keep writing!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is awesome
HELLO!
I guess your poetry's driven by your personal feelings. almost all of them are, i believe. Well, it was not bad, like, it was good!
Writing our feelings in a proper way isn't a thing every people can do. like, me, i'm currently like having scattered ideas and creating scattered works, duh! ;p gotta think on it. :/
You used "What if" two times probably? Well, in Bengali literature this "What if" is really of a great use, especially in poetry. and, this "what if" is popular in romantic writings.
"We are all just broken people
Without a God to fix us."
I somehow believe these lines myself. Favvie lines
Stay good anyway! And, did you think it was a review? Noppie! It's a fat comment, need strict diet!
Okay, stay happy and Do some laughing!
Ah, what a common subject in poetry these days, well in all days actually. I know this poem probably means a lot to you, because it's about some very personal emotions, but I think it needs a lot more work. I can only kind of feel emotion in it, a lot of it feels generic. The emotions don't seem to come from the deepest parts of you, you have to really dig in there darling. Another thing I saw was that you didn't stay on track with your words. You need to talk about one idea in each stanza. Make it longer and expand on each idea, that can help add to your emotions. Oh, also the stanzas need to be separated. This poem has a lot of potential, just needs work.
Keep writing darling!
- Phoenix
Heyyyyy Fancy here!
Your work was nice i do think if you added more detail in this is might drive home the emotions that you're trying to get a cross so much more.
I liked a lot of the words you used in the poem like...
What if I told you that I wanted to die?
Would you sit down and cry with me,
Or tell me that I've had enough
You can picture a time you felt that way.
Wipe my tears, turn away from my reflection, and pull the trigger.
Because my monster has won.
This few lines were my favorite. it just sticks out a nice way to finish it.