Published November 12, 2010
This poem is very raw and it needs help, so feel free to rip it to shreds.
Trudging through the desperation
of my deep-set rapture,
musical steel thread filter
through oil spill doubts,
infection of earthquakes filching stability.
Shackles of obliteration holding me
to a boulevard I care not to trek a moment longer.
Your footsteps resound next to my back,
reaching with songs of desire for my destiny.
There is no resistance in my despondent bones.
The wave of Your deepest love slams into me,
breaking chains and giving me to gravity’s grace.
Dirt claims knee’s skin,
Your hammer bruised hands
hefting me to stand once more.
Transparent aching molding porcelain light
into a prismatic exoskeleton,
all weight given with dependency
to Your wood-trod muscles.
Obsession creeps within my survival instincts,
twisting the inclination to lengthen my days
to make room for the willingness to die for You,
if the need rose from hate-stoked closed-hearted.
You settle into my veins,
a need grows like nothing I’ve felt,
before or since.
Determination screamed at my essence,
yearning to display my sincerity
to death-cloaked men;
this palpable freedom,
this sudden and welcome resuscitation.
The truth of what I feel whispering
throughout disdainful mouths:
Addiction
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Canary word: Present
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141,617 Literary Works • 675,171 Reviews
Urgh, I cannot go into a detailed review but I can tell you how much I loved this. I got the meaning of it from the very first line and that is not an easy thing to do with a log-head such as myself. Again, I apologise for this lame ass review but you get the idea.
Ehhh, it sounds better with an 's'. Just gives it some Jazz, you know?
I totally get what you're saying but to me screamed doesn't fit. Screams on the other hand has an excellent fitting.
Something about this 'lil peice just doesn't make sense. Maybe it's because it's a very long stanza (is that right? Is it called a stanza? Sorry, I don't really know). There we go, now that I've gone through and tweaked it a little it doesn't strike me as odd anymore. It's all up to you in the end if you keep it this way.
Apple.
First off, I love this (:
That's my favorite. I like the idea that the narrator only wants to live for someone else, rather live to die for someone else. I like the depth of it.
Secondly, I like how the love frees the narrator from whatever has them enslaved. You truly captured that right here:
Good job! I look forward to more from you.
Your poem may be raw, but that's just what makes it so great.
I don't understand why some people expect a poem to get ripped to shreds when there isn't really anything that I can actually fault it on.
This part gets right to the core, and I love it, you have a real way with words.
If you get asked to change this part by anyone on here, they're simply crazy.
Do not change it no matter what, it's too good for that.
This is a great poem, honestly. You should keep writing this type of thing, because it's brilliant.
- GhostlyImpressions. <3