Monsters.

Don't read this, it's mine... that challenge definitely lured me here! I am SecreteJournalist, but feel free to call be Brie. Welcome to YWS!

But ANYWAY, onto the review I suggest!

I am interested in this article overall, because its not something you hear everyday. I write about stuff similar to this, but in forms of poetry, stories, and rants.

I think I will review the first paragraph first. Easiest way to review I think xD

Monsters, what a stupid thing to believe in, monsters are the hidden dark side of our personalities, because inside each one of us there is a constant battle between the good and the evil. We were all innocent when the world had not yet infected us with those epidemic diseases; Greed, hate, concupiscence and the list is long. We were innocent when loving was unconditionally, natural.

You say monsters are a stupid thing to believe in, but yet it quickly moves into the fact that monsters are in our personality. I think this needs a lot more of a transition, with "facts" or proof. I understand what you mean about the fact that we were all innocent once, but explain why this innocence is so very importance, or maybe question the concept of what innocence really is? What I really mean by this, is that I wish there was so much more! But that's just my opinion. I don't see any grammar or spelling mistakes, as well as no punctuation mistakes... which is impressive for this being one of your first pieces of writing on the site

Where all the innocence is gone, well it’s not gone, it’s just becoming too rare to find in a world where selfishness is a trend, we are programmed to believe their lies, we are forced to live a life we hate and believe that it’s our destiny, well destiny is a blind man that we have the ability to guide , yes I’m talking to you out there reading this, you have all it takes to be whatever you want, just the fact that you exist is a miracle, so what are waiting for to go out there and show them what you are capable of doing.


I feel like your blaming society.. but yet we are all a part of society. But, that's just my opinion, this is a great debate topic! Monsters, innocence, and then suddenly the capable of doing? This needs a great amount of transition. But, either than that, great job!

I don't see any grammar mistakes, I don't see any spelling mistakes... This is a great work! With a little transition, it will be perfect. I wonder what else you have to write about.. I will read it once it is written! Keep writing

~Sincerely,
SecreteJournalist
AKA
Brie

Hi there! A short review for a short work. Welcome to YWS! It's a very special place

Okay, so on to the review. You have a lot of small grammar errors that are degrading your work. So I'm going to tease those out for you:

Monsters.
What a stupid thing to believe in. Monsters are the hidden dark side of our personalities. Inside each one of us there is a constant battle between the good and the evil. We were all innocent when the world had not yet infected us with those epidemic diseases: Greed, Hate, Concupiscence—the list is long. We were innocent when love was unconditional, natural.

All the innocence is gone. (Well, it’s not gone, it’s just becoming too rare to find in a world where selfishness is a trend.)
We are programmed to believe lies.
We are forced to live a life we hate and believe that it’s our destiny. Well, destiny is a blind man that we have the ability to guide.

Yes, I’m talking to you out there reading this. You have all it takes to be whatever you want. Just the fact that you exist is a miracle, so what are waiting for? Go out there and show them what you are capable of doing.

Remember, you want more full stops and less commas because you want to slow the reader down. This is a heavy work—you want them to stop, and think. (Bet you paused at that comma, didn't you?)

You started this with the theme of monsters. So the most amazing thing to do would be reiterating that theme right at the end. Bring back the monsters and say, "There are no monsters. There is just us." Or something similar that takes the reader back to that theme.

Good job on a weighty theme! Keep writing and feel free to contact me if you have any questions or need anything

barefootrunner

This seems like something from Divergent from the Abnegation faction manifesto. Never heard of it? Go ahead and read it, great book. I agree with it. Greed Hate And Concupiscence are the monsters of the world. It's what started wars. Lots of 'em. Just... What does concupiscence mean? I never heard of that word.

It was a great read and I really do hope to hear more from you in the future. Seriously. MOAR. MOAR.MOAR. MOARRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!

With All Do Respect
Whole Some Reader.