[deleted, sorry! D: I'm possibly submitting this work and I don't want it on the web. >: ]
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
All I really have to say is that I absolutely adore this piece!
All the nit-picks seem to be taken care of, as Dudette stated prior, but after reading this piece, I really had the urge to say that this is what I would call a Grade A piece of fiction. There is something really grimy and wonderful about a piece of work that doesn`t have all the pretty packaging that most fiction has these days. Its awesome to see the darker, strange side of life being portrayed and for that, I really enjoyed this piece.
I feel, though, that a plot might be nice for this. That a character with such a thought process and such a way of being could make for a very interesting protagonist. Whether or not that plot has to do with anything grand or above what class she believes herself to be in, at least her feet are on the ground and her mind is clear. Its characters like that that make a simple story so much more grand than it would be with any old Mary-Sue.
So this was really awesome and I give you two big thumbs up for a deep, interesting piece of Literature!
The.Dreamwalker
Hey!
I couldn't find anything that hasn't already been pointed out so my review isn't going to be very constructive.
I'm just writing to say how much I loved this. I love your writing style and the whole plot was great, if sad.
The only thing I would like to point out is that I'd love to know why she didn't take her mum's advice. It's clear that she belives she isn't worthy or a winner but I'd like to know why. You mention that her dad's dead but I'm guessing that her mum's still alive. I want to know what went so wrong in her short life that she decided to give up.
This was short - too short for my liking as I was enjoying reading it so much
xDudettex
Hey Bella! Stella here- we rhyme!
I. NITPICKS
They don't kick you out of Girl Scouts for that, do they?
Full stop and capital letter on "her." It's not a speech tag, it doesn't continue the sentence.
At this point, I'd love a description of him now we know he's not a random stranger.
II. OVERALL
In general, I like this. The beginning is definitely an interesting premise. The thing is, I'd like to see more of your protagonist. This is a character based story and at the moment it's falling a little flat because we're not getting a sense of her. You have lots of opportunities! Like- how'd she win fourth place, what was it for? Where's her dad these days? You're mentioning all these little details that, if you filled them in, could make for a wonderfully round character. How'd she meet her boyfriend? Things like that. Love her like you love a child.
Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella x
This is the only correction I can make on your work. I think this piece has a meaning. I felt sorry, though, that it is so short. I would've rather read something more complex. But the concept and idea behind it is very strong.
It was a pleasant read, and your grammar/ punctuation was good.
This was unique. It had its own sort of special quality. It wasn't confusing to read or understand. I felt I was with you the entire time. It was a kind of bitter thing to read, but one of those things you don't regret reading! I can't quite explain what about it that was so interesting. Maybe the fact that the main character seemed so -jaded. . .or that's not exactly the word. Almost like she didn't care about the kind of person she was. She embraced it I think. It was interesting to see this in a character. Great job. Keep up the good work!!
Hello there.
Or maybe two.
First, I'll begin with a nitpick... Yes, just one.
You don't need the second so, it's just confusing.
Hands plural? Or just one hand?
Overall, I liked this story. It was short, but I feel like we had just enough details to understand where you were going. I don't have anything you could do better... The only thing is that it's kind of weird to read a story in present tense, because so many writers write in past, since it's easier. Sometimes, I have to read it again because I'm convinced the person was writing in past and then changed in present... Obviously, it's just my head messing with me.
Keep writing!
-Other One