Published May 6, 2012
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140,068 Literary Works • 672,978 Reviews
Hey there!
This has a lot of potential.It also has a need for some work.
I think that you can take this song much further if you look at some minor aspects of it.
The first bit starts of really great and the rhymes flow easily in to each other .It's pretty easy to fit in a melody here and I am quite intrigued to think of what that might be.
>not nearly as funny< Not nearly as funny as....? It doesn't relate to anything that we can see or imagine. It would be better if you said "not really that funny". That way the next line:
(I can't help but smile) makes more sense because you may be smiling at the fact that someone thinks it actually is.Or,you may be referring to the situation - we can't really tell.
The next bits are fine and I like the whole "choking back vile" thing.The lines where you are talking about a joke you don't get and a story you missed are really cool because it gives the idea that you are a bit of an outsider or that you are left out and many people can relate to that.It gives the song a human aspect.
After this you kind of get lost in your emotions.The first three lines are fine and can start off a chorus.
>I'm blind< I don't think this needs to be there because it confuses the rest of it.If you take out that line the rest makes more sense and flows better.
>reflections of ecstasy pills in my hand< This should be two separate lines.
In the next line I think you should change "that's the truth of it" to "the truth of it".
I like that you you say "clouded by the light".It does add a certain darkness to it and takes the innocence away from the rest of the song,which is not really a bad thing.
The next line is great . You have a bit of assonance going on with "flashing and thrashing".
After this,you should put the rest of it into a new chorus and continue!
I really hope none of this sounds harsh or out of place because I really like this song and I want to see more of it soon! So,keep working on it and polishing it off! Hope this helps!
Hey, LRA!
What you have reads very well. Best of luck to you!
You have some awesome pictures and imagery in here. xD It certainly gives the listener a feel for what the speaker is feeling right now. You have some awesome vocabulary and phrases to help with that as well. Good job!
My only comment really would bet hat there doesn't seemt o be a point to the song right now. It's a musical group of words, but it didn't really leave me caring about the song anymore. It wasn't speaking to me in any way. Maybe providing a story behind the words or a moral would help construct it better.
I know it might seem silly of an idea, especially with the sort of theme you might have now, but it doesn't necessarily have to be about "Don't do drugs," lol. You know what I mean? As long as there's a story or the listener sees reason for what they're listening to. Usually the artist is procuding some sort of feeling they want the listener to know about, but when I read this, I didn't really care about the speaker of the song. It made me giggle at some creative ways you portrayed your images, but that's about it. (I liked the "choking back vile" bit in there.)
Food for thought anyway.
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!