Hey there!
This has a lot of potential.It also has a need for some work.
I think that you can take this song much further if you look at some minor aspects of it.
The first bit starts of really great and the rhymes flow easily in to each other .It's pretty easy to fit in a melody here and I am quite intrigued to think of what that might be.
>not nearly as funny< Not nearly as funny as....? It doesn't relate to anything that we can see or imagine. It would be better if you said "not really that funny". That way the next line:
(I can't help but smile) makes more sense because you may be smiling at the fact that someone thinks it actually is.Or,you may be referring to the situation - we can't really tell.
The next bits are fine and I like the whole "choking back vile" thing.The lines where you are talking about a joke you don't get and a story you missed are really cool because it gives the idea that you are a bit of an outsider or that you are left out and many people can relate to that.It gives the song a human aspect.
After this you kind of get lost in your emotions.The first three lines are fine and can start off a chorus.
>I'm blind< I don't think this needs to be there because it confuses the rest of it.If you take out that line the rest makes more sense and flows better.
>reflections of ecstasy pills in my hand< This should be two separate lines.
In the next line I think you should change "that's the truth of it" to "the truth of it".
I like that you you say "clouded by the light".It does add a certain darkness to it and takes the innocence away from the rest of the song,which is not really a bad thing.
The next line is great . You have a bit of assonance going on with "flashing and thrashing".
After this,you should put the rest of it into a new chorus and continue!
I really hope none of this sounds harsh or out of place because I really like this song and I want to see more of it soon! So,keep working on it and polishing it off! Hope this helps!
Points: 2574
Reviews: 33
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