accidental Impulse

yes written smoothly, but the part where you say she hissed, sounding very pissed off... i think you could just delete the sounding very pissed off... yoru telling us something that you just showed us... we can infer that shes pissed if she hissed, were not ediots! but thats just my opinion... a matter of preference i guess...

LOLLIPOPGIRL030 wrote:Ok, so here's another story. Comments are appreciated! The title is still pending, so if you have any suggestions, let me know.


The collision made no sound. It didn’t matter anyway. No one was around to hear it. At least, that’s what I thought. Both of my parents turned around to tell my sister and I to be quite; to quit fighting. At that exact moment, an eighteen wheeler came around the curb, hitting our little car straight on.

I don’t remember much after that. All I know is that I was saved, and my family died. I didn’t see the Kawasaki bike behind our car. Didn’t know that the person on that bike would save my life. All I knew was that I had to get away…… <you should only have three periods.

~ ~ ~

The sunlight broke through the window, erupting I think you mean "interrupting" my dreams. I was aware of a serious headache, and a cool, damp cloth on my forehead. I tried to sit up, but immediately went "lay" might be a better word to use back down, the vertigo washing over me. I tried opening my eyes instead, slowly breathing in and out. Those last three sentences all started with "I". Not sure you should do that, although I suppose it doesn't really matter. It seemed to help as I looked around the vast room.

Needless to say, the room was huge.

Mahogany bookshelves lining every wall were filled with books. I'd fix that sentence up like: "The mahogany bookshelves that lined every wall were filled with books." There was a matching desk in one corner and a large, dark, I think you could cut the "dark" and it'd be better. blood red Maybe do "blood-red" instead? rug on the floor. It had a Should be "an". old-timely Victorian feel to it, a little out of place in Phoenix, Arizona.



I wasn’t in a hospital, and my family was nowhere to be seen. So where was I? Whispers emerged from the other side of the door. I quickly closed my eyes, hoping whoever it was that was talking, <no comma would think I was still asleep if they were to come in the room.

“Why did you bring her here? You know better that This should be "than". to do something like this!” A Shouldn't be capitalized. womanly voice hissed, sounding very pissed off.

“I’m sorry, but did you expect me to do nothing? I couldn’t help my reflex Should this be "reflexes"? , Elizabeth, and I’m not sorry for what I did.” But at the beginning of the dialogue, he said he was sorry.

Now that voice certainly didn’t belong to a woman. The man sounded slightly English, but, like the woman, he also sounded pissed off.

“Fine. You will live with your decisions. She is awake.” The That period should be a comma and "the" shouldn't be capitalized. woman said, her voice now flat.

I jumped and my eyes flew open. How did she…… <again, only three periods. but I-

The door opened and light from the hall poured through. A man stood in the door way That is one word. , alone, with his arms crossed. I was too stunned to close my eyes, so I stared straight at him, unblinking.

He slowly walked towards me, measuring each step. The next words that came out of his mouth left me speechless.

Didn’t know that the person on that bike would save my life.

The sunlight broke through the window, erupting my dreams.

It seemed to help as I looked around the vast room.

Needless to say, the room was huge.

“Why did you bring her here? You know better that to do something like this!”

“Fine. You will live with your decisions. She is awake.” The woman said, her voice now flat.

He slowly walked towards me, measuring each step.