Young Writers Society

I feel... Exhausted. Like there isn’t a whole lot of fight left in me anymore. He’s winning, slowly. I can feel the hate eating at me from the inside and maybe that’s his plan. I think he knows me better than I know myself. He knows how my emotions affect me. For so many years, he’s watched and observed what makes me… well, me. Every emotion I feel can change how my body feels. I can get sick from stress. I can feel myself aging from the anger and resentment. Our divorce has been finalized for almost 5 months, but he’s still there. Still has his hand in almost every part of my life. Still the puppet master. He abuses. He takes advantage at every turn. We have the most beautiful daughter together, but he even uses her against me. Every. Single. Decision I make in my life is for that little girl and now she’s being used as a weapon to destroy me. And it’s working. I watch as she screams and cries after he brings her home from his visitation, and I see the smugness in his face. He knows it breaks my heart to see her prefer him. Literally makes me sick. He’s told me before he will turn her against me and take her. He will make her hate me too. When I was pregnant with that sweet, darling angel, he told me if I left him, he would make sure I never saw my baby again. Now look at things. I got sole physical custody of her in the divorce and he sees her for limited times every other weekend. It should have ended there, right? No… not at all. The child support is “too much”. “She doesn’t need that much,” He says. “You’re being greedy and selfish,” He tells me, constantly. So now I feel greedy and selfish for wanting to raise her right and needing help to do so. He has conditioned my mind to believe his every word. He could tell me the vilest of lies, and I would actually take pause, thinking he’s right. I have been called the Devil. I believed him... A horrible baby mama who needs to get my mind screwed on right. All because I expect him to hold up his end of our divorce agreement. Just this last weekend, I allowed him to break the custody agreement and keep her overnight one night. As long as he had her home at 6pm the next day, I really didn’t mind. He promised. Then went back and said no, he wants her for two nights now. He wants me to bend to him. To show him just how much power he has over me. If this had been the first time, I probably could have handled it better. I have lost my nerve though. I broke down and let it get to me. The constant manipulation is destroying me. So I did something I’m not proud of but I had to get her home… I don’t trust him. He can’t care for her. So I said I would call the police if she was not home on time. He mocked and insulted me, thinking I wouldn’t do it. He was condescending and rude, saying how I’m a horrible human being for trying to keep my daughter from him. I do not trust him with her though. Every time she comes home starving and filthy. She’s not even two years old yet and he turned her car seat forward facing. He could kill her because he just had to prove me wrong. “She’s big enough and I’m a good driver. Nothing will happen,” He said. He drinks and drives. He smokes pot and drives. He does all that with her in the car. How can I possibly trust him? Whenever she comes home from his house, she’s different. I don’t know what he does but it takes an hour or two for my little girl to go back to normal. She’s such a happy baby but this divorce is going to hurt her. I had hoped I started the process early enough on that she wouldn’t remember it. No… I failed her by not cutting off his custody at the beginning. I should never have been this kind and allowed him the visitation. As her mother, I’m supposed to protect her from the evil in the world. How can I protect her when the biggest evil in her life is her own father? I believes he loves her, however he can. There is no way that’s enough though. I didn’t want to break apart my family but she truly is better off this way. I can raise her and help her be a good woman. Because… if she had grown up watching her father hit me and talk to me like I was worse than the mud on his boots, what would she have expected from any man in her future? If she doesn’t see Daddy respect Momma, why would she believe she deserves respect too?

I’m fighting what feels like a losing battle, though. How do I win this? Revoke his custody? Is that a battle I can even win? I have no idea. It scares me that I can’t be in control of this situation. My family tries to help talk me up and say I have ALL the control. Yet, I don’t feel it. I feel lost. I feel useless. I feel like a complete failure. I’m a single mother to a little girl and I have never felt more lonely in my life.