(It's been more than 4 years since I've written anything that's a story. So here I am, writing this and presenting it to you. I just want your thoughts. It's not finished, just written work. Would like some feedback. Use to go by RLK here.)
Abby
It's nothing more than a numbness feeling now, a certain familiar pain, distinguishable. It's funny how it use to hurt, how it use make me sick to even watch as the redness of my own blood trickled down my arm. It's warm and then suddenly cold sensation, the vividness of its color. It's so familiar to me now, like a friend that visits every so often. I can depend on it, I know it'll show up. I know that no matter what, no matter where I am or how late it is, it'll always show up whenever I call for it. It kinda takes away the loneliness of it all.
My eyes grow heavier and heavier, my mind wonders in all sorts of directions. Do I let it continue, should I just sit here and pretend like nobody actually cares? Do I give into my own hellish thoughts, do I really sit here and feed my own demons? Is it worth it? I repeat the same thoughts over and over again. My body and mind flying at one hundred miles per-hour. My soul being pulled in every single direction humanly possible.
It's so hard to think clearly, everything is unclear and loud. It's so loud and noisy. I just can’t seem to snap back, I can’t seem to think of anything else but letting myself slip away right here, right now. I can't stop but letting myself fade, I can't stop it. There's so much blood and it's hard, it's hard for me to do anything now. My body is numb, I'm numb. My phone buzzing on the carpet next to me is dumb. The tree limbs tapping against my window are numb. My parents, my parents are numb.
What do I do? I'm running out of time and it shouldn't even really have been like this. How does one small cut turn into nearly four large slashes in the blink of an eye. Where along the way did I lose myself? Regret. I feel regret, I feel scared and lost. I feel confused and sad. I feel sad, I feel something other than the numbness. I can't die, I don't want to die. I want to be helped, but how exactly do I allow myself to be helped? How do I realize that maybe someone out there cares. How do I look into my parents eyes and understand that they care? I can't believe it, I can't believe anything anyone tells me. I just can't. I can't even believe myself.
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Canary word: Present
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141,303 Literary Works • 674,338 Reviews
Hello! Radrook here to try to provide some helpful advice to help others improve in writing poetry and prose. I always try to be tactful but sometimes might come across a it too critical. In such cases please forgive me since it is done only with the motive of helping and not harming the writer.
Thanks for sharing this very intense description of how a depressed person has reached the stage of being suicidal because she doesn’t believe that anyone cares. The speaker dwells on scars and blood and how they have some fascinating hold on her or his imagination. All this tragic situation is finally revealed as being caused by feeling unappreciated by others. The speaker wants to heare that appreciation expressed and tells us that self-reassurances will definitely not do.
This is a common reason provided by many of the persons who express a tendency to kill themselves offer as the reason they feel justifies terminating themselves. It is a reason that seems illogical yet it is the one that keeps emerging. They don’t care therefore I dion’t deserve to exist. If they care then I deserve to exist. To which if someone suggested that I take my own life because they didn’t care about me I would just tell then to go screw themselves. One thing is for sure, these same people would never take their own precious lives if you didn’t care about them. That I guarantee. Think about it.
Suggestions:There are too many generalities that leave the reader wondering what is being spoken about. After a generality you should prvide specifics in order to clarify.
examples:
....all sorts of directions. [Give a few examples.]
....everything is unclear and loud. [Give a few examples.]
....feed my own demons? [Like which ones?]
Could you possibly put a trigger warning in the beginning or in your description?
Yo.
Jimss here.
Thought I would pop my oversized apple head in and do a quick review.
Customary disclaimer; I have zero grammar talents so don't take anything I say in that department with a grain of salt. Second, if I offend, my b. It's no personal, I am just not the best at figuring out how to phrase things.
Alright, with that out of the way, let's do this.
1) While this story is short, I like the format. The stream of thought way you have it set up is an interesting concept. Still, it is not without its flaws. My main criticism is that occasionally you sort of walk the line between first and third person in a way that really sticks out.
For example:
"I repeat the same thoughts over and over again. My body and mind flying at one hundred miles-per-hour. My soul being pulled in every single direction humanly possible."
So, this is subtle but this is more description than a stream of thought. It is a break from the rest of the section, which is purely in first. The reason is mostly that you are describing actions that need to be "shown not told" in a way. As a writer, it is better to give the reader a sense of the above description, rather than say it outright.
2) So, there is a need for a little more context, emphasis on little. What you have is great, but I can't help but think that a few more sentences giving the reader a bit more information will make everything "click" and make it easier to relate to the MC if they had more context about the how or why. Now, that being said, you should only add a little in my opinion, as what you have here is great. This is, of course, just a personal suggestion.
3) The last paragraph has a lot of repetition, mostly of the phrase "I feel..". I get what you were going for there, but I would advise changing up the words a little just to create a more powerful emotional connection. Changing the wording around just a little could really help. Again, just a personal suggestion.
That's it for me!
Keep on writing! You have a great work here!
Stay easy,
Jimmy Appleseed
Hi LLK! Danni here for a review!
I don't really understand what the story's getting at here. I get Abby has a wound on her arm and is dying but we don't actually know how it got there. I'm not sure if you're suggesting something supernatural or if she accidentally injured herself or someone attacked her or she cut herself deliberately or what. If she cut herself on purpose, that doesn't seem to fit with the 'I don't want to die.' Maybe elaborate on this a little more.
This was quite confusing to read and the subject seems to jump a little. How can her parents be numb? Or her phone dumb?
Overall, this was okay. Needs more work, but it has potential. No grammatical errors, so that's good.
Danni x