.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,855 Reviews
Hi There! Here to review!
Considering that I haven't read the chapters before, I am sort of confused, so I'm going to focus on the writing part.
You have a nice sentance structure, nice word use, not over-use, not under-use. My problem is that your telling, not showing, which from a readers point of veiw is really annoying.
Another thing, you kind of left us hanging at the end of this chapter. I was getting into it, and it felt kind of like you dropped off to sleep or something, and then posted it. Sorry, thats just how I feel.
Anywho, nice chapter, I like it.
~pointe
Hey there! I haven't read the previous chapters, so this is going to be mostly execution reviewing.
Something I noticed is that you're very good at pacing. Even at the parts where she's just going through the halls, and like lunch, where we don't get a play by play, we still have a good idea of what exactly is going on, who's there, all that, and how she feels about it. And then we're right back to a scene that actually has weight, all in a couple smooth transitions. Also, even without reading the previous chapters, I got a good feel for the setting and the characters, where everybody stood with everybody else, which is something usually accomplished when they're first introduced and then slowly brought to the wayside. But here it's done well.
But there were some things I'd like to mention.
This whole first three paragraphs felt very tell-y. There isn't a lot of emotion in here (which there easily could be considering her feelings about Avery). I'd also like more descriptions, more relations to how this all applies to her. As is, it feels almost info dumpish, though we don't really learn a lot when you think about it. And it isn't until after this part ends that I really start to get into the story, get a feel for it.
Weak or not, it doesn't seem like there's anything here of his convincing her, of her putting up a fight. A few weak sentences. But he doesn't really try to seduce her, not that we can tell. This is partly because, like with the beginning, you're just telling us what's happening and her logical thoughts regarding them. I'd like to see her emotions, all that's conflicting, see her try to sort out the feelings and finally give in. And if Avery's such a smooth talker, I want to see that. Right now, she basically just gives in and falls into bed with him at the thought of it.
If Quell's at tough as she says he is, and if he's so strict, then why just let her run away, why just basically forget about it? I mean, there's no more mention of it for the rest of this. I had thought she was going to get in trouble.
Okay, so overall this is very good; entrancing despite no connection to everything, understandable and easily relatable though we have really no idea who's who and what's what and, where the science fiction comes in, what exactly the setting is - yet we also quickly get a very good idea with no real explanation. So good job.
For the most of this, it flowed well, and the grammar here is good. There's a few things like I mentioned above, the biggest problem being lack of showing, not telling, the lack of emotion portrayed rather than told, lack of description that ties into everything else. But those things really aren't that big, not when the voice is compelling. They would only make it so much better.
Any questions or comments, post on my wall.
loveness, ultraviolet <3
You're a very good writer, and I really enjoyed reading this chapter. You have good characterization of each of your characters, and you have great description of the main character's emotions. You also have great imagery, I could picture the entire chapter in my head with ease, which is good. There's a couple grammatical errors, but that's nothing a quick spell check and proof read can't fix
Keep up the good work!
Keep writing!
<3 Sara.