z

Young Writers Society



Zebra

by L


This is something i started writing on wednesday. Ive done this part, and i've started on 2 other parts. My plan is to write the beginnings of each part (i think there are eight) and when i get in from school or something i can choose which one i write depending on my mood.

I actually planned this story (for the first time in my life) so trust me there is a plot (hehe.) I edited it too! Once...

Be kind i have a fragile heart *sniffs*.

***

The city was dazzling 4 years ago.

The skyscrapers peeping out from the rest of the buildings gleamed in the suns rays, and the rest of the city was lit an urban orange. There was a sense of welcoming as you entered its territory. Spots of green were hanging in baskets and blooming in flowerbeds along the pathways. Jolly pedestrians weren’t seen without a smile. They blurred into each other as part of the city’s scenery.

Stalls plonked themselves outside shop windows. The smell of barbeque cooking along with the sound of sizzling food and worker’s announcements gave the streets a carnival ambience. Every day was a celebration. The whiff of hot dogs and onions pranced round the tall, thin, industrial looking shops and hovered around your nostrils. The city was known for it’s strange foods roasted in front of you. It was wrong to visit the place and not try its delicacies.

But it was gone. Blew down in one breath.

The sound of a manhole cover creaked open. It smacked down on the road surface and gave a loud clang. It echoed through the barren streets, and rubble jumped up from the shock of movement.

There was silence, apart from the whistling howl of the lonesome wind. It took some time for the sound of the manhole cover to dissipate, and even then it felt like it was still there.

Kenta popped his head out of the sewers.

The skyscrapers were now crisp and black. Their scaffolding was barely standing, and it silhouetted against the mournful sky like the city’s skeleton. The other houses and shops had huge chunks of them bitten off, and rubble filled the roads where lively citizens would have done before. But they were motionless and dead. The whole city was covered in dust, like it hadn’t been used in years. The silence was harsh and began stinging Kenta’s ears.

The only thing that could be heard was his own breathing. He was self-conscious. He felt like a trespasser in the city’s grave.

As he daydreamed on the city’s despair, clanging erupted from below him.

“Rich boy.” Yori shouted from below, “Are yer movin’ or de yer wanna stand der like a retard?”

Kenta cleared his throat, and took a quick glance round the city before looking below him. Down in the depths of the sewers was Yori, looking impatient and covered in rubble. He fitted in with the city’s image. They both did.

“I think we missed something.” Kenta explained, lifting himself out of the manhole. He managed to roll onto the street after pushing himself up with his arms. He laid and stared up at the dull sky, tinted with red. It looked angry, like flame rising from the sides of the earth.

Yori poked his head from the hole. His eyes widened at the state of the city. Kenta waited for him to gasp, or stand in awe just like he had been doing. But no, Yori wasn’t like that. He started laughing blissfully.

“Oh dis is great.” Yori sighed after laughing so much. He leant against the side of the manhole, and put his hands behind his head to relax as he viewed the ruins. “Ah like what dey’ve done with da place.”

Kenta rolled his eyes, and jumped onto his feet. As he did he heard all the rubble beneath him crack. He looked down for a second, and lifted his feet slightly to see the cracks in the ground. It seemed the slightest touch would crack the tarmac on the road.

He started walking over to Yori, who pushed himself out of the manhole. He jumped up, and brushed himself off. He wiped his jacket down, and ruffled his bleach blond hair. It looked browner with all the dust in it, but once it was shaken off he revealed the brightness of his hair. In fact, it was the brightest thing left in the city. He gave a strange groan as he shook his head. The dust started falling to the ground like rain.

Kenta sighed and began walking down the road. He knew where they were. They were in the estate alongside the main part of the city. The houses used to be quite old and scrappy – now they were completely rotted away and scorched.

“I guess there were bombs.” Kenta mumbled. He gawped at the houses, and suddenly tripped over a huge chunk of brick resembling a chimney. He stumbled over, and stared evilly at the rubble.

Yori pointed at him and laughed hysterically. He held his stomach as if it was about to burst.

“Hah! Ya idiot! Yer fell over a huge chimney ting!” He cried. Kenta huffed, and started walking again. Yori was amused easily, which meant he’d be laughing for a while. He hoped he would fall over some rubble some time soon.

Just as the thought arose in his head, Yori started stumbling over some brick. He gave grunts as he tried to keep his balance. Kenta turned round and pointed at him.

“Who’s the idiot now?” He called back smartly. But as he folded his arms and smiled at his come back, he felt something block the back of his legs. He fell backwards over a huge lump of brick. He tried waving his arms to get back up, but of course, it didn’t really work.

He closed his eyes as he felt his body thump against the floor.

Once he opened them Yori was stood over him grinning slyly.

“You.” He laughed. Kenta growled, and reluctantly accepted the hand Yori gave him to pull himself up. Once Kenta stumbled back to his feet, they looked at the brick that he had fallen over.

It was a huge wall from the front of a corner shop. Yori walked up to it and wiped away the dust on the huge metallic sign. He crouched down to look at the white lettering. He gave a little laugh and fiddled with his thumbs. “Ah know dis shop.” He sighed. He patted the sign and stood back up. “Ah used ter steal food from der if ah got ‘ungry.”

Kenta muttered a curse under his breath. Yori came out with such things so casually it annoyed him. Then again, Yori had lived a very different lifestyle than him. He had to accept that. Still, he wished one day he would feel bad about some of the things he did.

Just as those thoughts ran through his mind, he realised Yori had gone from his side. He snapped his vision from one ruined house to the other. He started to panic. If Yori ran off… he didn’t know what he’d do.

But thankfully, Yori emerged from one of the more built houses. Kenta’s worry flew away effortlessly. But as soon as he saw what Yori had in his hands his heart dropped.

“Can’t you just… stop doing that?” Kenta asked through his teeth. He span round and stormed off, while Yori ran after him with diamond like ornaments he’d stolen from the house. He had them cradled in his arms, and desperately tried not to drop any as he ran.

“Ah’ve always wanned ter get‘dese since dat bitch spragged on me.” Yori chuckled examining his treasure. Kenta growled at him, and by that he knew he was in trouble.

“Why can’t you look around yourself and feel sympathy for the place?” Kenta asked desperately, “It’s all gone! The city is ruined! Don’t you care?”

He stopped to look back at Yori, but he obviously wasn’t listening. He was rubbing a bit of muck that was on the ornaments with his sleeve. After a moment, Yori realised he was being stared down, and looked up at Kenta innocently. “That’s it.” Kenta mumbled. He stormed up to Yori and went to grab the ornaments out of his hands. “I’m taking these.” But as Kenta went past Yori and snatched the crystals, Yori stuck a leg out.

Thankfully, he only tripped, but the ornaments flew out of his hands and bounced on the dirty tarmac. They smashed up. The clatter of glass echoed through the city streets stinging both their ears.

Kenta stared down at the thousands of glass pieces. He kicked them angrily, stirring up rubble and muck with it. He then span round to continue walking down the street. He gave a little huff when he looked at Yori’s accomplished face, who gave a little giggle and followed Kenta down the street.

Kenta started ogling at the city like he had been doing before. He couldn’t help staring at it. It was tragic to see it in ruins. But the crime and the violence that the country was known for was going to hit it one day. It had been so distant from the bad happenings in the past that the idea of that day coming was unimaginable. But it seemed crime had hit it hard.

He rummaged though his pockets. His brown jacket was stiff and mucky, so the pockets were tough like they were lined with cardboard. He pulled out a ratty piece of paper with directions scribbled down messily.

“Well Naomi did say they had moved away.” He sighed shoving the paper back into his pocket, “Maybe everyone else is in that small town too.”

“Dose who weren’t killed by dis bomb.” Yori mumbled. Kenta scowled at his tactlessness, but Yori loved to annoy him. He gave a little smirk and started kicking rubble around the road.

They stayed in the same place for a long time. Yori kept kicking things out of boredom, but Kenta was enjoying the time he had to look at the city. He wondered how Naomi was, and couldn’t help but smile knowing she was safe from harm. He’d left her so abruptly he was worried about their meeting. He’d been dreading the time he had to go back to her and explain himself, but now all he could think about was her safety.

Yori kicked a piece of stone at Kenta. It bounced off his arm, and Kenta grunted at him. Yori giggled, and continued to mess about.

Yori was 19, sly, selfish and a thief. He had been most of his life. It was clear he knew no different. He didn’t understand why Kenta cared for Naomi, but that was because he didn’t know how to care for someone else other than himself. Still, regardless of what Yori was like, Kenta and him were brothers and shared some kind of similarity, even if it was just blood related.

Out of the blue, a distant siren whined in the silent streets. They both lifted their heads, and stared out into the depths of the city.

“Car.” Kenta grumbled.

They started running down the street, searching for something that could move. But the bomb had blown all the vehicles up leaving just the skeletal frame of them. But behind a rather sturdy looking building was a small car park, with 3 cars hiding behind the towers back.

Kenta jumped round and started running over to them, signalling Yori to come over. As always, he was dawdling, and didn’t seem to care that the sirens were getting louder.

Kenta went for the closest car, but behind him he could hear musing noises. He slowly turned his head round and caught Yori stroking his chin in a thoughtful pose.

“Ah never liked blue…” He mumbled, “But da shape of tha red one is urgly.”

Kenta growled and started messing with the locks on the car door. It wasn’t as messy as breaking into the window, and it took about the same length of time to find out how to open the lock. In slight panic he swung the car door open and threw himself into the drivers seat. Reluctantly, Yori opened the door to the passenger side and plonked himself onto the seat.

It was the unflattering blue one he didn’t like. But it would have to do. Kenta managed to start the car with the same pick he used before, and he reversed out of the space they were in. He pulled the steering wheel back round harshly and they skidded round towards the exit of the car park.

Gravel from the floor spat up into the air and gave a gritting noise as they sped off.

Yori stared evilly at Kenta, but kept his sly smirk. Kenta tried to keep his eye on where he was driving, but he couldn’t help glancing at Yori’s glare. It annoyed him. He groaned and shook his head vigorously.

“What is it?” He cried.

“Ah never drive.” Yori sighed. “Ah’m a much better drahver dan you.”

Kenta pushed his foot down on the accelerator and the car gave a threatening roar. He stared angrily back at Yori, who just laughed at his reaction. He gave a blissful sigh and put his hands against his head.

Kenta tried to drive silently, but he couldn’t help feeling suspicious. He had to keep looking back at Yori, either from the corner of his eye or using the wing mirrors on the side of the car. He knew what happened last time Yori wanted to drive.

Yori noticed what he was doing, and propped himself back up into a straight position. “What’s with da suspicion?”

“Don’t tell me you’ve forgotten about the last time you wanted to drive.”

Kenta grumbled. He waited a little for the memory to come back into Yori’s head. But it was impossible to tell when that would happen, so he continued reluctantly. “You slammed the car door on my head.”

Yori gave a loud amused laugh.

“It was only to get you inside.” He giggled. Kenta grunted and continued driving like he wasn’t giving much notice.

“You did it over and over again, until I blanked out.”

“Well yer should’ve gotten in de car.” Yori sighed dreamily, “Ah wasn’t in a rush dis time cos ah din’t like de car.”

Kenta shook his head. He was used to drowning out Yori’s talk with his own thoughts. While he was driving he started to wonder about the city people.

Hopefully this little town was just around the city suburbs. It would be stupid to have the rest of the population moved miles away from their homes. Kenta quickly shoved the torn piece of paper onto the car top and read the instructions. Well as far as he could tell, they were going in the right direction.

He continued driving in silence. It was a miracle to have room to think in a car with Yori. Kenta gave a content sigh and managed to relax in the drivers seat.

***

Finally they arrived in the small town the paper was sending them to.

The town was just a mile or two away from the city. It was smothered in scaffolding. Every shop and house looked like they were wearing braces. They drove into the suburbs of the small town and immediately they were surrounded by rows of thin, crumbling houses. They were creamy grey and lacking the spice of character and happiness that the city used to have. Overall, wherever they ventured in the car, it gave off a grim feeling. The buildings themselves looked like they were frowning. The people they passed seemed to dawdle without a purpose and with nowhere to go. It was disheartening to watch.

Kenta kept his vision forward so he didn’t have to look through the side window. Yori had his nose pressed up against it. He enjoyed watching the depression looming over everyone’s faces. Kenta didn’t get angry this time, he just wished Yori knew better.

The address they were given was 1, 25th street. It seemed each road was given a number, and that was all. These weren’t houses at all- they were dormitories. They could hardly be called that. To Kenta they were prison cells. He slowly braked and the car gave out a long piggish squeal.

They both stared out at the house on the corner of the road. It was identical to all the other houses. They were carbon copies of each other, whether you were rich or poor. It seemed there was no time for class or money in this town.

Kenta slowly opened the car door, trying to dodge pedestrians walking past. But they were so dozy they didn’t notice the door. They walked round with their heads in the clouds, and he couldn’t blame them.

Once they both slammed their doors shut, everyone stopped. They awoke from their trances, and stared at both Kenta and Yori. Their faces were grey and long, and most of them had black, withdrawn eyes. Even their sense of dress had changed. Why wear vivid colours when you live in an uninspiring town, Kenta guessed.

Yori walked round to Kenta, and nudged him in the side.

“Why d’ya think they’re starin’ at us?” He asked quietly. Kenta didn’t move his attention to Yori. He was too busy staring back at the people in front of him. He finally shrugged. He didn’t know why they did it, but they were doing a damn good job of blocking their way.

Yori grunted in anger, and paced up and down the lines they had made. “What y’all gawpin’ at huh?” He cried, laughing half way through. He stared at them all for an answer. But he didn’t get one, and it made him smile, “Or do y’all know who we are? Pretty famous ‘round here are we?”

Kenta grabbed Yori’s arm and stormed towards the grey building lined with scaffolding. These weird actions everyone was pulling off wasn’t going to stop him from seeing his family and friends. He pushed past everyone, and they limply stepped aside. Once this happened, they started to work again, like nothing had happened.

Kenta banged his fist on the door over and over again. The state of the city had got him angry, and he decided to let it out on the door. “What’s dat door ever dun ter you?” Yori mumbled folding his arms.

Kenta snapped a glare at him.

“How come you’re not even the least bit phased by how this city has changed?” Kenta growled. He continued to bang on the door, and Yori smirked smugly.

“I’m not as patriotic as you, rich boy.” Yori mumbled. Suddenly, the door started to unlock. They both listened to the phases it went through. It must have unlocked 4 or 5 times before the door slowly came open.

Peeking out from a crack in the doorway was Naomi.

Kenta gave a beaming smile, and put his hand to the door.

“Naomi.” He sighed, “You’re ok.”

She stared at him with a suspicious look. It took a while for Kenta to get a little worried. He screwed up his face and stepped back from the door. “What’s wrong?”

She stared at Yori. Quickly she shoved an arm through the crack in the door and pulled Kenta through the gap. He slid through with a perplexed look on his face.

The door slammed shut, leaving Yori outside to wait.

“Nice ter meet ya.” He mumbled.

Inside, the hallway was completely empty. The only thing in it was the stairway and a huge black suitcase that looked pretty empty. Naomi blocked Kenta’s way into the rest of the house, and looked down to the floor. Her long black hair was shrouded round her melancholy face.

Kenta shivered. He didn’t like to see her like this. Hell, he hadn’t seen her in ages, and this was what he’d got back to. He propped her chin up with his finger. He gave her a smile from the side of his mouth. But she kept a serious frown on her face.

“I should be asking you why you left.” She trembled. She looked away from him for a moment. “But I need to tell you this.”

Kenta frowned. She did seem serious about this. Normally if he gave her a little smile she’d mimic him. If he gave her a welcoming hug she’d relax in his arms, or if he played with her hair she’d rest her head in his hands. But now he didn’t even want to try this.

“Go on tell me.” Kenta whispered, “I don’t like seeing you miserable.”

She bit her lip and looked over to the door.

“I gave you those instructions to come back, and I was hoping you’d come without him.”

Kenta glanced between the door and Naomi over and over again. What did she mean? No one cared about Yori and as far as he knew she knew nothing about him. But obviously she did now. “Your dad told me where you’d gone, and why.”

Kenta sighed and rubbed his forehead. He didn’t like the idea of Naomi knowing who Yori was, but his father was a terrible telltale.

“I know you probably don’t agree with why I’ve gone and who I’m with…” Kenta began.

“It’s not that.” She interrupted. She opened her mouth to say more, but nothing came out. She moaned and plonked herself on top of the empty case near her feet. She rubbed her forehead just like Kenta had done, and watched the door. “You need to leave.”

“What?” Kenta cried. He crouched next to her with a puzzled expression. “Naomi what are you talking about? Tell me straight.”

“Your dad doesn’t want you here until you’ve got rid of him.” She blurted. She stared seriously at Kenta, until he moved away. He knew from her face there was only one way she wanted things to be.

Kenta stood up, and his face went placid. He leant against the grey wall and gently hit his head off it. He didn’t know what to say to Naomi. Such harsh words were things he never thought would come out of her mouth. He closed his eyes and mused.

“Naomi.” He began. “Get rid how?”

She moaned, and shook her head. She thought it was obvious what she was asking of him. She stood up sharply, and threw her arms round her fiancée. She squeezed him tightly as if comforting herself while she talked of such things.

Kenta slowly put his arms round her too, even if he was a little confused. He managed to relax a bit, but he still anticipated her explanation.

“Listen, Kenta…” She began with her head to his chest, “I’m… I’m happy you’re back. I don’t want you to go again. I can’t have you going like that again!” Her speech started to get louder and she started to fret. Kenta could feel her quiver against him. She gave a sigh so miserable it sent shivers down his spine. He looked back at the door where Yori was waiting. He didn’t know he’d caused this much grief over Yori.

“Naomi?” He whispered, “What did my dad mean by ‘get rid of’?”

She didn’t answer for a while, and it made Kenta fear the worst. He had a feeling his dad meant the one thing he couldn’t do. The one thing he wouldn’t be forced to do ever.

“You know what he meant Kenta.” Naomi whispered. “And I know you can do it, just keep it quiet, I won’t tell anyone!”

“Naomi…” Kenta sighed. He pushed her away from him lightly, and shook his head. “I’m not going to do that.”

Her face dropped.

“Why?” She whined. “I need you back here! Don’t you want to be here?”

“It’s not that…”

“Please, please just do it!” She cried, grabbing his jacket. He raised an eyebrow at her petrified face, which was desperate for him to stay with her. It scared him. “Can’t you just ditch him somewhere? You don’t have to kill him I’ll tell your dad please…”

Tears welled up in her eyes. She was having great trouble trying to stay strong in the conversation, but her block was falling apart.

Kenta couldn’t take it. He couldn’t watch her like this anymore. She was falling apart, and it was his fault.

“Naomi.” He whispered, beginning to feel sick over what he’d done to her. He pulled her back to him and softly kissed her. She looked up at him with shiny, hopeful eyes. She knew what he was going to say to her.

But he didn’t. “I have to go.”

He walked towards the door. He swung it open and emerged onto the street.

Naomi couldn’t believe her eyes. She reached out to grab his jacket but she just missed him. In spite of that she ran outside to where Kenta was walking towards the car.

He had his eyes closed. He knew plain well Naomi would come after him. But he didn’t want her to get upset. He just wanted her to understand why he was doing what he was, and not to argue when she was just going to get hurt. There was no way he could do what she was asking of him so he could stay with her.

“Kenta!” She shrieked. He cringed. People around him in the street looked over at Naomi. Nothing so exuberant normally happened in their dreary lives. Hearing someone shout must have been a large shock to them. She hesitated once all the pedestrians’ attention was based on her, but continued anyway. “Don’t leave again! Why can’t you stay?”

“You know why I can’t stay!” Kenta shouted. The eruption from his voice almost let his feelings out too, but he only just managed to keep his voice straight and his eyes away from tears. “I couldn’t stay here anyway, not with the trouble Yori’s in. And now you want me to do something I can’t do so I can come home. It’s…crazy.” He went to open the car door once again.

“I don’t know if I can wait for you.” Naomi blurted.

She stood on the doorstep biting her nails. Without realising tears started drooling down her cheeks. She didn’t even feel the warm water on her skin, just the cruel cold of the outside air. But nothing could compare to the cruelty Kenta was displaying. In the back of her mind she knew what she was asking of him was wrong. But she knew in her heart it was the only thing to do. How could her feelings be wrong?

The hope of him turning back round and barging back into the house was on the edge. She could only just taste it with the tip of her tongue. This was it, she thought, he would either stay or go.

He couldn’t reply. The words couldn’t escape his lips. He wished the breeze cutting between them both would never end, but eventually silence broke onto him expectantly. Saying no to Naomi felt like cutting a rope he had attached to her whilst he was gone. It was like giving up hope. Like leaving her for good.

But he knew that wasn’t the case. He knew he’d come back to her after sorting something else out. Once she’d got the crazy ideas out of her head that his father had drilled into her.

“I’ll sort something out.” He mumbled to her as he swiftly opened the door. Yori had been stood between them both feeling both confused and awkward. He happily hopped over to the car and slid into the passenger side.

“No!” Naomi cried, “Why are you leaving me again?”

Kenta looked back at her with one foot in the car.

“You’re attracting attention.” He explained quietly, pointing out all the people listening in on their conversation, “You’ll get word round that we’ve been here.”

He finally ripped himself away from her. Once he slammed the car door shut the crying ceased. He’d shut a door on her. He could even feel the block between the 2 worlds.

He started the car, and accelerated as fast as he could away from the curb. It was at that very point he felt the rope between them snap. There was nothing inside him. No body there to fill his gaps. The only thing that was left was sick gathering up his throat.

The car gave a growl as it steadily got faster. The grey houses were whizzing past them now, and finally the ringing from Naomi’s cries was starting to wear away from their ears. “We have to get away from this place.” Kenta quivered. Yori gave a little smile listening to how broken he was when he talked, but he didn’t show Kenta. He kept his face to the window and watched the town disappear.

After a few more minutes, a more rural sight could be seen out the window. Yori slumped back in his chair and grunted. He hated countryside it was boring.

He looked over at Kenta. He was frowning at the road like it had insulted him. When he moved the steering wheel he did it robotically without moving his body at all.

“Rich boy?” Yori asked. Kenta heard his annoying, sly voice, but it took him a while to realise he’d called his name.

“What?” Kenta snapped. “Is this about driving or about how ugly the car is?”

“Nah ah’m actually startin’ ter like de car,” Yori mused, “De interior is quite retro.”

Kenta didn’t listen. “What ah wanted ter ask was what happened back der?” Yori asked inquisitively, “Yer broke up?”

“I don’t know Yori.” Kenta growled.

Yori looked out the window at the countryside again. God he hated it. It was mucky and ugly. All he could think about was the grimy soil under foot and the woodland covered in thousands of repulsive bugs and excrement. It was revolting enough to think of let alone look at. The fresh air was sickly in his throat. It was like water – no one likes water unless it has flavouring in it. City air had that zest that the countryside lacked.

“We’re not stayin’ in de countryside are we?” Yori asked out of the blue, “Where ‘xactly are we goin’?”

“I don’t know Yori!” Kenta shouted. He tutted at his tactless brother. This time it wasn’t him that made him angry – he just made him snap.

“Ok calm down.” Yori grumbled, slouching in his seat. He started twiddling his thumbs innocently, “What ‘xactly did yer ‘fiancée’ say t’yer anyway?”

Kenta grunted, and focused on the road. He tapped angrily on the steering wheel with his fingertips. He didn’t know whether to tell Yori or not.

“Just something about our ‘father’ and his crazy ideas about keeping his ‘pride’.” He muttered. Yori nodded his head slowly. If pride was involved in a sentence made by Kenta, it normally involved him.

“So dis is somethin’ ter do with me.” Yori sighed, tapping his chest, “Every tahm yer mention family pride ah’m lingerin’ round der somewhere. Ah’ve heard it all before, ‘Ah can’t be seen with yer family or else yer all ruined,’ blah, blah, blah.”

It was all true. Everything Yori said in that sentence felt like it was burning in Kenta’s mind. The pride of his family had been the main focus of his dad ever since the birth of Yori. It was an occurrence Kenta hadn’t heard of until 2 years ago. After building his own successful life in a rich, well-respected and famous family he was told there was another one falling further down where he was excelling. Well, he wasn’t told. He was the one who uncovered the family’s deepest and darkest secret. If anyone else found out about Yori their family name would be ruined.

And in their countries day and age, full to the brim of crime and violence, a cherished family was everything.

“I’d rather not talk about it.” Kenta sighed, getting back to driving. It was getting darker so he had to concentrate. More like the conversation was getting heavier.

“Fair enough.” Yori sang. “But seriously, where are we goin’? If we get caught ittle be your fault.”

Kenta nodded accepting the facts. It wasn’t just the town they were running from. They’d been running from the police for months. Helping Yori escape was a desperate attempt to keep him safe until he came up with a great idea to clear his brothers’ name.

“We’re going to drive until we can’t drive anymore.” Kenta sighed day dreamily. “That’s when we’ll stop.”

The thought of time was too much for him right now. Kenta just felt like letting everything fly past him, while he dwelled upon his own things instead of the routine of life. It hadn’t been that long since he left Naomi in that dreadful town. He could feel places that had detached inside of him throb. He couldn’t stop seeing her hurting inside his head.

For a few seconds, a side of him started to pester. It poked him in the side until he was willing to listen. It was telling him it was ok to ditch Yori. It said it was the right thing to do. It even went to the lengths of agreeing with his father – just to see Naomi again. Because as Naomi couldn’t wait for him to come back, he didn’t know if he could wait for himself to give in to his needs.

He glared at Yori cunningly.

But the thoughts only lasted for a couple of seconds. After that he shook them off, and hoped he’d never think of them again.

After a few minutes of complete silence, Yori got bored. He repetitively snapped his hand in front of Kenta’s eyesight. Each time he did it Kenta slapped it away. It kept Yori amused, and each time his hand was slapped his grin grew. It was like a game. He did it one last time. Kenta grabbed his arm and twisted it.

“Seriously I could break your arm.” Kenta growled.

“Not while yer drivin’!” Yori whistled. Kenta threw Yori’s arm down and moodily carried on driving. He hunched his shoulders up and cursed under his breath. Seriously it was like looking after a toddler.

Yori slouched and stared at the setting sun. The sky’s red pigment had spilt all over its canvas. Now even the clouds were tainted in pink, and most of the light was dull or hidden completely. “Yer fiancée’s a whiney bitch.” Yori sighed groggily.

“Shut up Yori.” Kenta grumbled.


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Donate
Fri Mar 02, 2007 11:26 am
Myth wrote a review...



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*

The city was dazzling 4 years ago.


Better to have the number written out.

The skyscrapers peeping out from the rest of the buildings gleamed in the suns rays, and the rest of the city was lit an urban orange.


I’m sure that’s meant to be: sun’s

But it was gone. Blew down in one breath.


Maybe: Blown down in one breath.

The other houses and shops had huge chunks [s]of them[/s] bitten off, and rubble filled the roads where lively citizens would have done before.


^^^ See quote

He laid and stared up at the dull sky, tinted with red.


‘laid’ = lay

It seemed the slightest touch would crack the tarmac on the road.


Repetition of ‘crack’, try a synonym.

The dust started falling to the ground like rain.


Just a suggestion: The dust fell like rain. Or something else, but you don’t have to change it.

He stumbled over, and stared evilly at the rubble.


Evilly? Maybe: angrily? Or your choice of word.

Just as the thought arose in his head, Yori [s]started[/s] stumbl[s]ing[/s][ed] over [s]some[/s] [a] brick.


^^^ See suggestions

He span round and stormed off, while Yori ran after him with diamond like ornaments he’d stolen from the house.


‘span’ = spun

He then span round to continue walking down the street.


Same typo.

Yori was 19, sly, selfish and a thief.


Remember to have numbers written out.

Still, regardless of what Yori was like, [s]Kenta and him[/s] [they] were brothers and shared some kind of similarity, even if it was just blood related.


^^^ See quote

“Ah never liked blue…” He mumbled, “But da shape of tha red one is urgly.”


XD

Kenta growled and started messing with the locks on the car door.


Try: fiddling

In slight panic he swung the car door open and threw himself into the drivers seat.


‘drivers’ = driver’s

*

Hello L =]

Quite a few typos in there. Always remember to write out numbers, there are a few that I didn’t point out and you’ll find them easily.

I don’t know what it is that Yori’s done for them to be on the run—obviously something that makes his own father want him dead, but since the countries in despair why does the police still go after him? Or is it something to do with the bomb and the city?

Yori’s accent is a little – heavy? You could cut down a little because sometimes I didn’t understand, took me some time to realise ‘Ah’ was ‘I’.

I liked how the town was quite boring, just plain and there was no class because everyone was almost equal. Like Misty said, you’ll improve as you write more and it is always best to read different types of fiction and non-fiction.

-- Myth




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Sun Feb 25, 2007 2:01 am
Misty wrote a review...



"Jolly pedestrians weren’t seen without a smile."

Yes, I'm sure they weren't, but what about the less-than-jolly ones?

Don't write in letters in the middle of a sentence: aka "The city was dazzling four years ago." rather than "4 years ago."

Don't put 'you' in the sentence, aka: "There was a sense of welcoming as you entered its territory."

Also, post in shorter segments ;). The characters were interesting, but certainly not the most intriguing I have ever read, the descriptions though, were lovely :).

"If we get caught ittle be your fault"

this should be "it'll."

Keep on writing, and keep reading as many books as you can, both modern and classic, and I have confidence your writing will continue to improve.





The man who never makes a mistake always takes orders from one who does.
— Anonymous