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16+ Violence

Almost Audrey, Prologue - Nicodemus.

by Kz


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.

Prologue- Nicodemus

The rain blinded me as I watched her as she slowly drifted away from me. It was my fault that she was there.

“Audrey!”, I shouted. “Audrey!” I checked my wrist watch, checking her vitals. Her heart rate was so low that I thought she was already dead. I started to cry.

“Audrey!” I shouted. But no response. I was swimming as fast as I could. I tried to scream her name again, but water flooded my lungs. I spit out the water and took a deep breath. “AUDREY!!!”, I screamed. It was fruitless.

As I got closer I could see that her head was completely submerged in the water. If she couldn’t breathe, she was going to die. Her unconscious body drifted farther out. I swam faster. My arms and legs were on fire. I had to save her. This was all my fault. I never should have let her go out in this weather. The rain got harder.

I checked my watch and the screen flashed, the weather interfering with my signal to her watch. I looked up and screamed her name. “AUDREY!!!”

And then I saw it. The massive wave headed right for her. Her vitals said twenty-five more seconds. I was still at least a minutes swim away. I swam so hard I could barely breathe. “AUDREY!!!” I screamed, and screamed. Fifteen seconds left, thirty seconds out. The wave got bigger, and closer. Ten seconds left, fifteen seconds out.

The wave hit her, and sent her boogie-board and unconscious body tumbling. She was dead. I felt it in my gut. I just lost my daughter. And it was all my fault.

                                                                          —x—

FOX broke the story first. “Sixteen-year-old Audrey Mason drowned at Virginia beach last night, after a fight with her father. Nicodemous, the father, provides no comment at this time, but his guilt was evident last night, as he dragged her lifeless body ashore. Why would he ever let his teenage daughter go swimming in a thunder-storm, you ask? Again, no comment at this ti—” I jammed my thumb into the power-button on my remote, shutting it down. I sighed.

                                                                              —x—

After FOX’s horrible news report, I made a tough decision. Time to make a friendly bet. With two-hundred thousand dollars at stake. I called Charity, David, Alyssa, and Kyle. I told them about Audrey and about my new idea.

“Project Elanor”, I advertised to the gang. “We each design one girl. A perfect, smart, ‘straight A’, girl, and then we reverse her, each creating two girls. Okay?” I paused. There was a chorus of confused, “Okay?’s”

I continued. “We create a name for the good one, and break it up, for the bad one. For example, Audrey—good one, and Aud—bad one.” I smiled, satisfied with the idea of bringing back my daughter.

“Alright!”, Kyle enthused. “I’m in. I’ve already got my idea.”

“Sure”, Alyssa said, her voice trilling.

“Okay. David said, he sounded like he had a mouthful of chips.

“I'm in. But I have one question”, Charity said.

“Shoot”, I said.

“Why did you have to name the project off of your ex-wife?” I pictured her light grey-blue pixie cut and frail frame, and almost laughed at her stern-almost-chastising-question.

But I answered in all seriousness, “Because she’s Audrey’s mother.” 


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122 Reviews


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Tue Oct 18, 2022 1:39 pm
LUNARGIRL wrote a review...



Hey, Lunar Girl here with a review! Hope you are doing well. Let's get started.

First Impressions: It took me a while to realize that the story is written from the dad's perspective. When I found out it was from a parent's perspective I immediately assumed it was from a mother's perspective. I feel like that is because not a lot of stories involving a parent get told from a father's perspective, so it was nice to get a different point of view.


The rain blinded me as I watched her as she slowly drifted away from me. It was my fault that she was there.

I think instead of saying that, you could say take out "as she" to make it sound better. "The rain blinded me as I watched her slowly drift away from me." This is just my personal preference though.
Also, where is "there?" It sounds a little out of place.

I checked my wrist watch, checking her vitals. Her heart rate was so low that I thought she was already dead. I started to cry.

I'm a little confused at this part because you said that Audrey was drifting away from you, so how could you have checked her vitals? Also, I think it would have been kind of hard to check Audrey's vitals if you are treading water. I know that it says later she is on a buggy board, but you might want to include that earlier so it makes more sense. Another small thing, wristwatch is one word.

Her vitals said twenty-five more seconds. I was still at least a minutes swim away.

It kind of happens again at this part. I don't understand how a watch can tell you how much longer a person has to live. You also spell minute's this way.

“Project Elanor”, I advertised to the gang. “We each design one girl. A perfect, smart, ‘straight A’, girl, and then we reverse her, each creating two girls. Okay?” I paused. There was a chorus of confused, “Okay?’s”

My last comment is that I don't really understand what "Project Elanor" is exactly. I think it would help if you would go into more detail about it because it sounds like a very interesting thing.

Overall, it was a good story with just a couple of things that you should go more into depth on. Of course, you can totally discard everything I say because this is all just my personal preference. This story sounds like a great idea, keep writing!

Carpe diem,
Lunar Girl





A big mountain of sugar is too much for one man. I can see now why God portions it out in those little packets.
— Homer Simpson