Published October 31, 2007
Please, I'd like some good reviews. Heheh.. it was kind of random, so I don't expect it to be very good. I wanted to get opinions on it, though.
Everything's dark
Not a sound in the night
Until a swift motion
Shifts to my right
A cold touch of a hand
And I sharply yelp
A whimper I let go
With fright I yell "Help!"
Who could it be?
What could they want?
A female, I can hear
The hiss she gives
Her feminine voice
One who scares any that lives
"Please," I beg as a breeze passes us two
"Take my money if you wish
But leave me be, I beg of you!"
Alas, no avail.
A sharp prick in the neck
This feeling, I hate it
Burning pain washes over me
Uncomfortable heat like a blanket
Two fangs withdraw from my neck
Blood, I can feel
Warm blood being drank
Is this for real?
Within moments I'm numb
Unable to feel a thing
My vision fades to darkness
My mind begins to ring
My life flashes in my mind's eye
Death, I can tell is nearing
Now on the ground I do lie
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Canary word: Present
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140,186 Literary Works • 673,039 Reviews
It was pretty good. It was a little bit short, and the situation wasn't clearly enough described to follow along. But, the parts thast were clearly explained were so with great detail.
Nice ideas but the entire piece doesn't flow that smoothly. You shoul go back and edits the piece slightly. Your meter is also needs some work, but once this is polished up, I'm sure it will make a great poem.
Very wonderful. I honestly think it could be a bit more descriptive and then there's this:
A female, I can hear
The hiss she gives
Her feminine voice
One who scares any that lives
How does the victim know it's a 'feminine voice' from a hiss? And how does he/she know it 'scares any that lives'?
Just asking. ^^
A whimper of fright I let go
With fright I yell "Help!"
You used fright twice D; it sorta doesnt sound like it fits xP
Two fangs withdraw from my nice
Blood, I can feel
Warm blood being drank
Is this for real?
Huh? XD "Nice"?? XP
Other then that, I loved it^^ it was a wonderful poem, and I expect to see more greats from you Abby-chan ;P