Published January 1, 2008
Ummm... yeahhh... randomness... There's a certain person I want to guess about it...
A burning rose
Hidden by a shield
Only a shadow seen by outsiders
A smile
A laugh
Happiness betrays
The rich red rose
The meaning within
I keep it in my heart
Clutched to my chest
Yet touch it I cannot
Each time I try to
I merely get burned
Ropes restricting me
Cutting through my flesh to my heart
Making me long for my rose more
Missing my rose
I run through the rain
Drops falling and trickling
Just like a waterfall
Fear striking into my heart
I hide in a corner
The rose is just out of reach
My hand stretches out to touch it
I cry out to my rose pleadingly
Alas, I cannot hold it
Yet I still can admire
My dear red rose through the stained glass windows
A hole through the shield
I peer through it curiously
With a laugh of delight
I watch it smile at me
I sit watching my rose
Reaching out to it
Still I cannot touch it
A cloud just out of reach
Lingering beautifully in the sky
With a smile I dream
With a sigh I wish
I need my rose as a bird needs the sky
Yet it’s always out of reach
Someday, I swear
I will break through the shield
Can any moment be so wonderful
As a moment with my rose?
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You could replace more of the "My rose"s with pronouns though.
And... whatever happened to punctuation? It is your friend! Cherish it!
Oh. In the future, when posting your poetry and such, try not to call it randomness. Self-respect commands respect, and a poem such as this definitely commands respect.
You've got potential, that's for sure.
--Quippie.
Hi there Kyuuketsuki,
Okay, to begin, this poem seems more of a narrative than anything. It has a clear beginning, middle and end as well as the story telling elements. I actually think this might be very cool if fleshed out into a story.
I think it went on too long. Reading through it I found my concentration wander, and I couldn’t quite keep grasp of the poem itself. I think you need to look at condensing the ideas into a smaller poem. Keeping only those images and ideas you *need* or think you need.
It *does* have some lovely images, some that I think you should keep.
Such as:
“A cloud just out of reach
Lingering beautifully in the sky”
but I still think there’s just too much telling, and a little too much in general. If you condensed this, and thought some more on what you want to say, in basic terms, I think this could be *really* good.
Much luck. I hope to see more from you.
*Hearts* Le Penguin.