The moldy smell of the prison walls permeated the small cell. A table sat in the corner with a wobbly leg and a stool provided what little furniture there was. A clay pitcher and glass was on the floor next to a sleeping man.
The small window of the cell provided little light but the provided light showed the man with short black hair and a five 'o clock shadow on his face. His dirty face seemed darker in the cell than it really was.
"Come on, Sebastion. Wake up!"
Sebastion stirred and at last woke. He yawned and opened his pale blue eyes. He looked and saw that he was wearing rags and stringed sandals.
"What the?" he asked himself as he pushed himself up. Sebastion was fairly muscular man but even with his muscles he found it hard to sit.
"Hey over here!"
Sebastion looked up and noticed the cell for the first time. He looked through the bars and saw an Elf woman staring at him through another set of bars.
"You're Sebastion, right?" the Elf asked.
"So what's it to you?" he asked back.
"I've heard all about you. How you saved a girl from being killed by Orcs. How you saved a village on your own. How you slaughtered my people," she said with a hint of hatred in her voice.
"I don't remember that," he replied. He scratched his head. He heard footsteps coming from the down the stony hall. The hall was lit by a torch and a faint light was cast along the wall. Enough to see the mortar between the stones was cracking a small stream of water coming through one the many cracks. The torch started to flicker faster than it had been as something got closer. He saw a shadow coming toward them.
"Don't speak, and they wont hurt you," the Elf said.
"Hurt me?"
'Yes, you know stabby stabby?" she said making a stabbing gesture.
A hooded figure swept by them. His face covered behind a mask with red patterns covering its surface. He had a strange walk. Sebastion looked down and noticed he carried a black blade with blood dripping from both the sword and his leg. Sebastion stared as he walked by and through a door as it slammed and locked.
"Who was that?" Sebastion asked.
"The Shadow Guard. They captured all of us and by the looks of things, he just executed someone," she said eyeing the blood.
"What's your name?" Sebaston asked pacing in his cell.
"I'm Kri the Lockpick. My speciality is...picking locks. "
More footsteps could be heard coming. Both of them fell silent. Another hooded figure stopped in front of their cells.
"You two..." the figure turned. Another mask covered his face, "Are released." He waved his hand and the locks of the cells opened. Both Kri and Sebastion walked out. The hooded Shadow Guard disappered leaving the two of them in the halls.
"Where too, Sebastion?"
"I...don't remember."
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,008 Literary Works • 672,836 Reviews
Great story. Its was amazing. Its a great prologue and I really hope - and want you to continue. I agree. It could use some details. I didn't see any misspelled words or typos. But punctuation needs to be worked on. If you want a more detailed critique, send a PM my way. I'll review it more for you. Well fantastic job, the best of luck, and keep writing!
All too well. My short story, Nightwalker (it's posted here somewhere...), is something I wrote between midnight and three o clock in the morning. I was practically dead the next day. And then, of course, there were those nights I stayed up REALLY late reading... But that's another story.
Okay. I knew it ws lacking some detail but I couldn't think of anything to make it better. Two days without sleep does things, ya know?
This is pretty good, for a short little thing. Your characters immediately speak and you can see their personality. However, I think you need a touch more elaboration on their development. For instance, Sebastion says that he doesn't remember killing the Elf's people, but you never mention anything about him remembering or not remembering anything else. It's a little confusing. Also, it would be nice if you made it clearer that the Elf was also in a cell. I had to read it twice through to catch that she was.
And now, some grammar:
When the elf says "Don't speak. And they won't hurt you", I would change the period to a comma to make it flow off the tongue a bit better. It sounds choppy as it is now.
When you're describing the hall, instead of just saying that it was a stony hall lit by torchlight, I would elaborate and tell little details about it. For instance, is the torchlight flickering or is it steady? Are the stones damp or dry? Details make the book, and the first few paragraphs are the most important of any novel.
When you're describing the Shadow Guard, don't separate it into so many sentances. Where you used about four sentances, one could easily use three, or even two with the correct comma splices. It would also help with the flow.
All in all, it was pretty good, but grammar and structure are slightly lacking. Details are good, and that's about all I have to say. I'd like to read more of it, if you ever write more.