Published December 31, 2006
A young, frail looking man was laying in his bed tossing and turning. He was thinking to himself. He just couldn't settle his mind. "What is wrong with me? I need to get to sleep. Of course the projects' going to be okay. I mean why wouldn't it?"
"Maybe it's because it goes against your morales? said a cool female voice. "Kidnapping kids does usually go against them."
"No one asked you Felicity. Now go back to sleep. And from now on don't hack into my brain again. Okay?"
"My god what is your problem Anthony? You used to be so calm and collected. Now your all hyped up and angry like a Marine who hasn't been in combat." said Felicity maitaining her calm demeanor.
"Whatever." retorted Anthony with a hint of annoyance.
After a while, Anthony finally got to sleep. Only to be awoken by a siren in the hall of his barracks. His brown, straight hair was messier than before and his blue eyes shined in the light of the luminescent hallway. "Stupid alarm stuff. I wish we could use a normal alarm clock like everyone else, but no. We get alarms."
He walked down the hall as other infantry troops were coming out of their rooms with disgusted looks at the alarms. Anthony walked down to the armory and grabbed his armor and other supplies.
"Ooh. an A42 assault rifle. With armor peircing, high explosive rounds? The Army knows me way to well."
Anthony spun around to see Felicity already dressed and armed. Her short black hair was hanging just above her shoulders. and her green eyes were like marbles. To Anthony, she seemed cute in a way. Not in a beautiful sort of way but a deadly kind of way.
"Doesn't it seem odd that we're getting heavily armed like this to get kids?" he asked Felicity.
"Ummmm....yeah. But still. You have to be careful now that we're at war with those damn Konoans. You saw how they destroyed the outer colonies in hours. So here we are getting ready for anything just to babysit kids all back to Coron." she said as she was starting to walk out of the room. Anthony noticed that she was looking at the priming lever of her rifle.
Anthony started to get into his armor when the ground shook. He had fallen to the floor and was starting to stand back up when he heard "Mortor fire! Mortor fire! They're shelling the crap out of us already! Move, move, move!" Another blast followed and drowned out the rest of the voice. Dust was starting to fall from the ceiling. "CRAP!" Anthony yelled as he was frantically getting his chest plate on. He snapped the clasps and tied his boots. After that he stood up and looked around.
Anthony quickly sized up the what was going on. He grabbed his rifle and ran out of the armory. He stopped short and saw troops moving every which way. That's when he saw Felicity on the ground. He ran over to her and found she had no pulse. He quickly surveyed her body and saw she had taken a bullet in her side. He took out his roll of gauze and wrapped her wound tight. He grabbed her by the chest plate and started to drag her underneath the barracks where he did a more thorough check of her body.
He waited there watching as troops fired their weapons and watched them run by. He watched Felicity like a soldier but more like a friend. He waited for the shelling to stop.
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Grammar: "project is going to be..." sounds better.
This is a poor start, it hasnt hooked me at all, we start with a character that is a simple young man and go into an internal conflict. I dont want that. I want external conflict at the beginning to grab me into the tail.
Although I am a hypocrite because in Scall's Magic I start with Derrens internal conflict, but its done in an action packed scene as oposed to "waking up". The bed beginning is a total cliche.
End speech. Where has the woman come from?
Ok, I think some explaining is needed here, you have a very crude "hack into my brain" comment. Whose hacking, is it through magic? Is it through telepathy? Explain and describe this a little bit more.
you need a comma after whatever instead of a full stop.
Ok, I'll be wasting my time if I continue. it appears that little thought went into this before writing it. You have some decent ideas but it may be a nice idea if you sit down previously and add a little structure into it. What are your characters, who are they? What do they fear? What do they want more than anything else?
Ask yourself questions and answer them on paper in the role of your characters.
Then you can explore your magic. Write five laws/rules of magic down and then incorporate them into the story, explain the limits. Maybe then a character can reflect on these limits.
Ok. I recommend you read every article on this website's writing section:
http://hollylisle.com
Happy reading.
Just couldn't help myself. That was te first comment I ever got on YWS. Also from Phorcys
As to your text - you still did not edit it...
Yeah, as others have said, putting space between paragraphs makes it easier to read.
It looks pretty good so far (and I think the title is great), but here are some suggestions. (Stuff in red is what I tweaked.)
What made him look frail? Was he too thin? Pale? Shivering?
I think there also needs to be a comma where I've put one in (after "bed").
Just some more missing commas, and the word you need is "you're", not "your".
You might only need "Whatever" here. It's evident that Anthony is talking, and that he's annoyed. Though if you do keep the rest of the sentence, the period after "whatever" should be a comma. Use a comma when you're ending dialog but are continuing the sentence.
I think these could be combined into one sentence. The second one is incomplete--which is ok sometimes, but it doesn't really have to be on its own here.
Again, there shouldn't be a period in the middle there.
Cutely deadly... It's unusual, but could work. In the second sentence, I suggest using either "kind of" twice, or "sort of" twice (not one of each). It'd be a stronger parallelism.
Again--comma, not period.
"as he frantically got" sounds better, I think.
You don't need the "after that" there. It's already logical that he stands up after doing the other stuff, since you described those things first. Also, it detracts from the actual action a bit.
This could be a very powerful scene! So don't pass it up by just summarizing it.
Hope that helped somewhat. It does look like a good beginning! So keep it up.
Format into paragraphs, proofread then I shall return.
First, this needs a PG-13 rating.
Second, this doesn't look like it belongs in Fantasy Fiction, it seems more like a sci-fi.
Hmm...it was good, but the grammar mistakes really spoiled it for me.
I'm not going to point out the individual mistakes because I'm too lazy to do that right now, but I'll give you enough to keep you busy.
1. Capitilize your i's. It shows a lack of self-respect if you don't.
2. Capitilize the first letter of the sentence. Always.
3. Never start a sentence with the word "and". Delete the word "and" from the beginning of any sentences.
4. Get some paragraph structure. It's hard to read all crammed in there.
5. Read this out loud to yourself and correct any mistakes you find.
I hope that helps.
Good, but short. Also, you should space out your paragraphs.