A young, frail looking man was laying in his bed tossing and turning. He was thinking to himself. He just couldn't settle his mind. "What is wrong with me? I need to get to sleep. Of course the projects' going to be okay. I mean why wouldn't it?"
Grammar: "project is going to be..." sounds better.
This is a poor start, it hasnt hooked me at all, we start with a character that is a simple young man and go into an internal conflict. I dont want that. I want external conflict at the beginning to grab me into the tail.
Although I am a hypocrite because in Scall's Magic I start with Derrens internal conflict, but its done in an action packed scene as oposed to "waking up". The bed beginning is a total cliche.
"Maybe it's because it goes against your morales? said a cool female voice.
End speech. Where has the woman come from?
"Kidnapping kids does usually go against them."
"No one asked you Felicity. Now go back to sleep. And from now on don't hack into my brain again. Okay?"
"My god what is your problem Anthony? You used to be so calm and collected. Now your all hyped up and angry like a Marine who hasn't been in combat." said Felicity maitaining her calm demeanor.
Ok, I think some explaining is needed here, you have a very crude "hack into my brain" comment. Whose hacking, is it through magic? Is it through telepathy? Explain and describe this a little bit more.
"Whatever." retorted Anthony with a hint of annoyance.
you need a comma after whatever instead of a full stop.
Ok, I'll be wasting my time if I continue. it appears that little thought went into this before writing it. You have some decent ideas but it may be a nice idea if you sit down previously and add a little structure into it. What are your characters, who are they? What do they fear? What do they want more than anything else?
Ask yourself questions and answer them on paper in the role of your characters.
Then you can explore your magic. Write five laws/rules of magic down and then incorporate them into the story, explain the limits. Maybe then a character can reflect on these limits.
Ok. I recommend you read every article on this website's writing section:
http://hollylisle.com
Happy reading.
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