Young Writers Society

HEELLO Kyrian Kane,
Preparing for the war, famine, and plague. "Fire" was a nice way to start the passage. One word beginnings always catch the reader's attention rather than a whole, tiring paragraph. I like how you kept each paragraph short so it feels more comfortable for the eyes. Huge, bulky chunks of words discourages lazy readers (like me).
I agree with you when you said that elders always think their way is right and the child's way is wrong. Adults just can't trust kids like us. They think we're not mature enough, we have no experience. What they don't know is that we can see the world directly. Adults are no longer innocent. But children are, children have innocence on their side. And with innocence comes a whole new way of thinking, a whole new way of seeing.
I guess that's why we are the war, famine, and plague. Because only the adults could bring such destruction. Children for once know better than the elders. Trust them, maybe the world will be a better place.

Trust them,

Night Kaizer

Hi KyrianKane!

This is interesting! I like where you're going with it, but it feels a little raw. The points made in it are really strong, and you cover a lot of serious and powerful topics, but there isn't much surrounding them.

For example, what I particularly loved about that first paragraph was the image of fire that wraps around someone like a snake. It's an amazing metaphor for a very familiar feeling, and a fantastic start to the piece. You start with control, then into oppression, righteousness, and eventually guilt. It would be great to see that really strong imagery in the first paragraph carried on throughout the piece.

The thing with scripts is that often they're written to be performed rather than to be read over, so having a strong image or metaphor is important since it leaves something in the listeners head even after the scene has finished.

What you have is a really good framework that's just starting to fluff out. Maybe try experimenting with different images or metaphors to see which ones work with the fiery theme.

Hope this helps! Keep it up =]

Hey!

My name is Maddy I just have to say great job. I was amazing and thank you for posting it. I have to agree that for your title please capitalize those words. I was attractive to your title, but my favorite part is 'The death of a child is a disowned idea of the 'saved' but cherished by the 'damned'. Such good writing and very intense.

Hey KyrianKane, this is Nozomi and I'll be reviewing your work today!

This will be a fairly short review. First, I want to address the title; you wrote - "War. Famine, and plague", which has punctuation mistakes. There should not really be a full stop after War, to be honest, neither should their be a comma after famine.

If anything, the comma should have come before the full stop, in its correct chronological order. I worked out a few correct structures for the title:

[First] You could have written it as ... War. Famine. Plague.

This technique, I have found, is generally associated with informative writing such as this work itself. The use of full stops after each word provides the hesitation that the writer needs from the reader. It creates a sense of urgency; there should not be full stops in those places and so, creates a vision of the message that the work is not something to overlook.

[Second] You could have also written it as ... War, Famine, Plague. Which is similar in message to the first option and has basically the same effect. Otherwise you could have just plainly written it as War, Famine and Plague.


Onto the first line, {Fire}, how does it connect to the message of the work? A fire, from a perspective, can be a tyrant, sure, but how does that link to war, famine or even plague?

Rather, instead, you describe it as an emotion - anger?

And yet, after describing it as uncontrollable {"We feel it well up inside of us when we're losing control of a situation. It tightens around our throat like a snake, it burns our eyes."}, you add {"We need to be in control."} at the end, which is contradictory, but not only that, it defies the point of the sentence. What is the point you're trying to get across?

You then move onto describe that children are seen as inferior and that it "ignites that little flame that suffocates us", which I don't fully understand - are you referring to ignorance?


Additionally, you wrote "We feel it when we're am told to", which seems to be a grammar error. Do you mean "We feel it when we are told not to"?


Overall, I would say that I got the impression that you were implying that ignorance has lead to what we have done and what we will do, but even still, it appeared to be an unclear piece of work when linking it to your chosen title. I would've liked to see more links towards the title, it seemed a little half-written in a sense and did not meet its potential. It was a pleasure to read and review it! I hope some of this, in some way, helped you.

Keep writing!

~ Nozomi