Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
My name is Rylee Flynn. I don't have a last name to share or a family to share it with. I am an orphan.
I grew up in an orphanage that wasn't quite that extraordinary. The youngest and quietest girl, I was practically invisible. I'm fifteen now and live on the streets of Groen. A worn down, muddy, pig-rut of a village. My best mate, Blare, a thieving rascal, and I ran here from our home town. Instead of being an orphan, his parents just kicked him out. However, if you bring it up, the weather becomes very interesting to him.
He's small, only about a half a foot taller than I am, but strong. His light brown hair and blue eyes make him seem young and child-like. His face is always solemn and quieted. Without trying he's the funniest creature on Earth. My favorite time is when he mocks the aristocrats and their rich ways. He can talk a man in circles.
Blare and I? We're a team. A rascally, makeshift one, but one nonetheless.
I'm not the prettiest of creatures, but I'm no troll either. My mess of pin-straight hair pours like dirty ink to my shoulders, a round button nose perches in the middle of my tan, freckled face, and watchful gold eyes take in every detail.
I was born in 1702. But the month and day are a mystery to me. Blare throws me a little party every Christmas with the few pennies he saves. Last year I got a little cake, and he made me a shiv, all by himself. It was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
For his birthday I made him a sling shot.. Blare's sixteen now and has a job with Mr. Jack White. Mr. White owns the print shop and Blare is the errand boy. He calls himself the assistant though. As payment, me and Blare are allowed to live in the shed, and a meal a day. If I clean up around the house, Mrs. White lets me read her books until Blare and Mr. White are finished
I've read stories of a red caped girl who's grandmother is eaten by a wolf, an archer who steals from the greedy rich and gives to the poor, and my favorite, the story of Captain Red. A sailor who is kidnapped by pirates but soon becomes one himself and is the handsomest, richest, most charming buccaneer of the seven seas.
The diary I write in now was given to me by Mrs. White. It's going to be my story. I'm glad to fill it's pages so that one day, someone will find it and share it and I'll become famous, just like Captain Red.
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125,038 Literary Works • 672,927 Reviews
Good afternoon, KyrianAstaAzaray. AnarchyWolf here to review this first chapter.
Blare and I? We're a team.
i was practically raised
half a foot taller than i am
i got him a sling shot
Last year i got a new vest
diary i write in now
i'll become famous
He wont tell me why
A worn down, muddy, pig-rut of a village.
the few pennies he saves.
spills ink onto my shoulders
While this chapter was rather short, I feel that you managed to introduce your main character quite well. Her personality comes through very well with the style that you've chosen to write this piece in. It's fairly informal and almost conversational. I feel that the below quote shows it very well.
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I love the attitude of your main character. I think, though this is only a first chapter and things change, that you've avoided the angsty-feel-sorry-for-me orphan cliche, which is great. Rylee seems to have accepted and moved on. Good.
The friendship between Blare and Rylee is also something I like. I'm a sucker for things like that, though. I feel like it might progress into a romance, but - and this is purely my opinion, so don't feel any need to change it - I think it'd be cool if they stayed best buds and supported each other through failed relationships.
One more quick thing - the use of 'lad' really helps to get a sense of her dialect and where she is in the world.
Now for what you could improve. I've just got a few notes on grammar before the real big stuff.
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In all of these instances, the i should be capitalized to I.
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Should be he won't tell me why
These two things, while small, all help to make your writing look and read a ton better.
Now, the other things.
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You describe Groen like this. My first problem is that you don't specify whether or not it's a different village to where the orphanage and Blare's parents are. It takes the reader away from the story as they try to work out which one it is. I came to the decision that they'd moved away, because why on Earth would Blare choose to stay and commit crimes in the same village as his horrible parents, and I'd imagine Rylee wouldn't want to hang around the orphanage for much longer either.
My second problem with describing Groen like this is that in such a poor and obviously small village, how does Blare manage to steal enough to sustain a street-life there? You also say that:
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which would be fine, if Rylee hadn't received so much for her birthday. Perhaps you should consider either changing how much Rylee received for her birthday, or the setting to somewhere the rich would want or need to go to.
Like Pinkratgirl, I have a spot of trouble believeing that Rylee was the only girl in the orphanage. I do understand that it is the 1700s, but they were big on gender seperation back then. Maybe she couldn've been mistaken for a boy and no-one bothered to change it? Or she decided to masquerade as a man and did it quite well?
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This is my final nit-pick. I really dislike descriptions like this. You could have spills like ink onto my shoulders, or some other variation, but I feel that a metaphor like this, coming from a girl who had admitted that she isn't the prettiest of creatures, is a little off. Maybe spills like dirty ink onto my shoulders?
Anyway, this is a good - if short - first chapter. I'd love to keep reading more - so message me when chapter two comes out?
-AnarchyWolf
Thanks so much, your review really helped. For some reason, the entire time I was writing this, I felt like i was missing something. I've made the changes you pointed out. And with the orphanage thing, I did change it. I would have absolutely loved to have her masquerade as a boy, but I don't want to double concepts. By this I mean that later in the book, Rylee does masquerade as a male so she can join a ship. Again thanks so much for your help!
You're welcome. I'm glad it helped.
Orphanages rarely ever just have one person of a gender. And if they do they usually just send them away to an all-girls/boys orphanage.
What’s a Gorgon?
If he’s as good a pick-pocket as you claim, he should have a lot more than a few pennies.
A few pennies can’t buy all that no matter the time period. A few pennies could get you a loaf of bread. 2 loaves at most.
10 pennies a day? Then why does he only have a few left at the end of the year? If he gets 10 pennies every day he works for what I assume is 365 days since he lives there that would be 3,650 pennies which is $36 today. Back then that would be a pretty big amount of money. I think he might have a spending problem.
There’s lots of potential in this! I can’t wait to read more!
Happy writing!
Hi ^^ thanks so much for your review. I did change the orphanage situation. A Gorgon is a notoriously ugly mythical creature. Usually known for being so ugly they turn people to stone when looked at. Your point about the pickpocket situation is helpful. Because they're in such a poor village what he does steal is not much. I also did change what all she got for her birthday. While he gets that many pennies a day he also has to spend it on a daily basis for food and if possible, clothing. Again thank you for your review!