Published March 28, 2009
4 men on a boat
4 men on a boat and its starting to sink
What can we do, we all need to think
Bail out the water cried one man to another
Don't be so stupid, there is a hole in the rubber
I have an idea cried man 2 to man 4
If we lie on our backs we can float to the shore
You must think that I'm stupid cried man 3 to man 2
your half my size your 7 stone wet through
whats does that have to do with the price of bread
Skinny man number 2, innocently said
There are sharks in this water man number 3 he cried
Look at this fat they will eat me alive
Man 1 fell to his knees and looked up to the skies
Oh Lord save me and if time, these 3 guys
Man number 4 he sat silently through
This heated debate over what they should do
When suddenly he opened his mouth and he sighed
You lot are stupid the coast guards arrived ....
The love of my life
I step closer, lower my hand and pull you toward me
I slowly feel my way around your soft curves until i find what I'm looking for
The hole
I slip 2 fingers inside, dare i try a third?
It goes in with ease as i focus on what is about to happen
The excitement and tension builds as for a moment we are but one
Your smell is like no other as i kiss you softly trying to contain my emotions and praying all goes well
Its my first time, you look like you've been down this ally before
I get into position clearing my mind, i grip you tightly with both hands then release you
I'm fixated on you with both eyes hoping you will give me a 10
DAMN ANOTHER GUTTER BALL
How i love bowling
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140,874 Literary Works • 673,697 Reviews
Four Men on a Boat
[spoiler]Nice job. 4/10. I liked it, though you could have used some funny similes, or spiced it up a bit more.[/spoiler]
The Love of my Life
Break that into two lines
Toss the 'but' in there, it makes the whole sentence sound awkward...
Either break this into two where the comma is, or add an 'and' where the comma is. Either will work.
Do this more like this;
"I get into position, clearing my mind,
As I grip you tightly with both hands, then release you."
See
I would consider getting rid of that part.
This one was much better than the first!
[spoiler] 7/10
Both were good, funny, and made me smile. Nice job!
Okay, they both need some grammar fix ups but I'm not one for that. 4 men on a but, okay, I like the numders. it needs to be more clear though.
The second one, some logical errors, it can't be another gutter ball if it's your first time. I liked it because even though there are plenty of innuendos out there, this one is not hesitant in it's filth whatsoever, in fact I had to skip to the end of the poem to make sure it wasn't actually that `because it was too much for my innocent mind, ut the fact I had to do that is a good thing. And "then release you" I'd make it "i softly release, was it too soon?"