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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I looked this up<3
Very good, although I don't get three-quarters of the politicial jargon and action here. I did like the repetition of Ali's thought I ma the hawk. Very effective. And there's that quote you put up!
And here:
I noticed you did this quite a lot though:
The comma needs to be a full stop, and here:
The full stop needs to be a comma.
Anything in red is an addition.
This seems like a clichéd stereotype of the business man. The guy with health problems, forced off the coffee by his doctor, but goes to it anyway because he's stresses and needs to keep going. You see it too much. Try making him original, in that aspect. Yes, his character just seems a wee bit cliché.
You say "over" twice, it'd try to find a way to fix this. We know it is NY already, so I cut that.
cliché
Hm. I don't like how that is punctuated, I just think it bothers me. I think you should try, "I thought I'd never say this, but you're insane." it just fits better, imo.
I love that.
Eh, I don't like that... if it is rhetorical, why would they answer it?
make that a question.
This sentence was just clunky from missing words and things. I really wanted to cut out all of "And had mght as well sell his shares" but I didn't, so I'm leaving it up to you.
The repetition was irritating. Also, I don't think you need commas when saying 'something or something or something'.
I don't like this sentence, because it makes no sense why sweaty people in a church would be making pews dusty.
Make those sentence one. And shouldn't it be the dance of killing? Since he doesn't enjoy dying, he enjoys killing.
combine these somehow. You seem to like to use fragments when grammatically they should connect to the previous sentence, so find a way around that.
It looks like you have an unnecessary ` at the end of this sentence. Must have fallen in.
make "that's all" a question.
I loved the detail about the spanish choir from the church - I can hear El Vito playing softly ^_~
Your numbers keep getting a little fuzzy, in the first section you said, "Seventeen board members left." and then, "I'm about to tell you how a seventeen men can..." but now it is ten? I am confused.
You did this somewhere else too. I don't like that they glance around place and place. It just sounds odd. Either one or the other, imo, because it sounds weird as is.
See, here is another example of your liking of fragments ^_~ Connect these two with a comma or something.
the first section is kind of clunky, and the second sentence is a fragment.
I think you should say "war-starter" so that it makes it a noun.
Oh, that was yummy ^_^ The only thing I didn't like was your fragment obsession, but that is easily fixed.
I never thought I would care about Oil fields ever, ever, but I do and I want to know what happens. I kept asking myself, "Why do I care?" to try and find what is so strong behind your writing. I think it is the writing its self, it lends to anticipation and worry and it is exciting to just read it. Then, there is also your characters. They are portrayed wonderfully, and you know what you are doing, for sure. I enjoyed this to no end, how can I thank you for asking me to read this?
I really loved Ali. My only complain about the end of the story is payment. It would make sense to me that Ali would want to know how much he was going to be payed and get it in full now, or at least half now. I don't think a hit man would work without some money first, I don't see it. So you might want to bring that up as well, because you do talk about him getting payed well.
Ah, I will certainly read more. Keep up the brilliance!
Just a nitpick, really, but I don't really think you need the bolded part. Obviously he likes the idea that he could take everyone out with a simple stomp. It's already implied, so this smiling part isn't completely neccessary.
...I couldn't find much else wrong with it, I think the CCF covered the rest.
But as a whole, it was well written, and a great piece of fiction.
MM
That was amazing CCF! You have just gotten yourself a regular customer.
-Kylan
Ciao Kylan - come stai, ragazzo? Abastanza bene - a meno, spero di si.
Here's your crit then. But let's start on a ground-floor level, so to speak, meaning: character in relation to narrative. Yes?
You've lost the tension-flow of the story by being the yes-man and sounding-board for your mad millionaire as the narrator. (Of course, narrator's don't need to be high-and-mighty indifferents to their tales. But letting character rant in spite of story, above and over it, around it and double-tell everything you've narrated, is rather detrimental.)
Clevenger talks ad nauseum. We, as readers, experience little of the setting, of any other character - and we certainly aren't inclined in sympathy to the fellow.
Bullet points to keep track of:
DIALOGUE:
...Is used, naturally, to move a story forward. Whether that is in direct action or in characterisation, it ought to illustrate your tale and your point.
But you've a case loquacity with Clevenger. He drones on and on. If he's a droner, let him wander and have his board react, nodding; or trying with pained intent to hang on every word, entirely uncomprehending.
As it is, Clevenger might as well be talking to a wall - which again might be an interesting device to aid our perception of him. But you've presented him as talking to rapt cardboard cut-out board members... which brings this round to its next point.
(Dialogue II) CHARACTERS - more or less in their dubious interaction or lack thereof --
You don't, in fact, have a dialogue progressing here yet. You have Clevenger talking.
There are how many other men there? All, without falter, impassive? Impassive to Clevenger's seeming megalomania and sociopathy? Have they faces? Eventually, one - nameless and faceless still - reacts by mentioning that what Clevenger speaks of is unlikely, not to say impossible.
Either the board is impassive, a sounding-board and a wall; or they're quietly panicked, terrified of Clevenger or grasping for his power.
Without that aspect of depth to the actors in your narrative, you have no tension and so, no reason for the reader to read on.
In the end, why begin with Clevenger at all? Dull oration and rote responses - your second part is much more engaging as a start.
In the end, for Clevenger's piece, pull it apart and put it back together. You tend to reiterate yourself in the narrative, retelling what Clevenger's speech has implied, having board members without any apparent character asking the right questions so that Clevenger can further explain.
Dai (come on), madness is interesting and men who talk to other men like their whitewashed walls are bizarre, if not hilarious in a grimly unsettling way.
As an illustration? This characterises Clevenger--
This...
...is rather more evocative of a film - bad take-off of Tom Clancy or some such thing. It doesn't characterise either Clevenger or his surroundings or his fellow white-washed walls.
Why not begin with the former and cut the latter entirely?
Second Part - Mexico:
Ah, a much more involving beginning. Simple description and personification, and you've set a tone and foreshadowed the rest of the piece. Rather neat, vero?
No hope, no hope even sounds like a hawk's cry, possibly - a melancholy sound.
(Watch your punctuation - it's for its, etc.)
(Character II) Ali --
Ah, much better throughout the simply narrative. In fact, you seem much more comfortable within the streets of Mexico and Ali's morbid mind, than in Clevenger's faux mask of arrogant leader, mad millionaire.
Watch yourself that it doesn't overflow and wander. But between the hawk and Ali's thoughts, you have an easy interchange and less seamed pacing.
Dialogue III -- Clev. and Ali --
Precisely as Ali says. Clevenger begins to talk again, and he talks entirely more than is necessary under the circumstances.
"Summary" is a word used to describe dialogue shortened into narrative. It can be sumarised. Similar to the aspect of narrative, in which things can be shown rather than dumped on the reader.
If Clevenger does not have a laconic side, I'm sure Ali has a brevity of patience. Let him shut Clevenger down, or interrupt and summarise himself.
To finish, the Mexico bit is excellent - rather liked it, keen Mafia-esque morbidity and an interesting sort of person, Ali. Don't let Clev. trample it all in talking.
Summary of the entirety:
*Consider cutting the openings scene entirely.
*Summarise dialogue/have Ali interrupt and keep the conversation from becoming one-sided. (The readers will understand more as the story progresses).
*Show by thing happening rather than telling and explaining. (More a difficulty in the first bit, with Clevenger. You've shown quite a bit in Ali's piece.)
Ciao, amico. Grazie - business always appreciated. Feel free to contact the Family with questions; and/or the Don or Underboss (Imp or Sabradan).
CCF
This is very very good. Very professional, I can't believe you're only 15! Finish this off and publish! Ok, maybe i'm getting a bit carried away. I have to say, this isn't my type off story, but i was immediately drawn in. You're style is classy as well as immediate, loving it.
just keep up the good work!
Thank you so much!! Hope I can post the rest soon!!
-Kylan
Gorgeous. I only found some minor grammatical errors but I wasn't sure if you wanted to be critiqued or not. There weren't any author notes anywhere.
I really like the language you used; the style in which you used it. I normally stay far away from stories like this but the first paragraph drew me into it and the rest just wouldn't let go.
I love Ali Kemal. A lot. I think he's my favorite character you've got so far. There's so much to him!
I'm excited to read more of this.
Edit:
I wanted to point out my favorite quote, just for a good time.
“Don't give me this 'for the good of mankind' crap. You're not a hero, Mark. None of us are. We're survivors. We're exploiters. We're businessmen. We steal from the poor and kill babies. It's what we do.”
... Wow... That is amazing! I got so caught up in it... It's written so proffessionally, it's fantastic!!
, that is a great way of showing him 
, what will he do next?
I have to read more.
Ali Kemal seems a bit disturbed, but you did a great job when you made him, and Mark Clevenger, the Napoleon of the corporate world
~ Shadowsun