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Young Writers Society



Honor #1

by Kylan


Tai Po district, Hong Kong

Perimeter lights shown like flickering campfires around the house, directed at it's entrances, gateways, and red-brick walls. The shadows they cast loomed; black charcoal stains painted across the structure and a dark yellow glow glittered out from massive windows like champagne bubbles under lamp light. By anyone's standards the house was magnificent in the oppressing nighttime. An opulent beacon among the urbanized and smog clouded countryside of the Tai Po district.

It also seemed ripe for the picking.

Undoubtedly, the residential palace was home to a politician or businessman. A man that hoarded cash and locked himself away in a plush skyscraper and wiped his ass with linen handkerchiefs. He probably didn't even recycle them. Every time he used the toilet, several dollars worth of fabric in the trash - down the drain. Material that ten year-old kids in sweat shops were paid a nickel a day to sew with machinery five times their size. So what if that handkerchief had cost a kid his finger to a ten inch stitching needle? There were plenty more were he came from. With this obvious richness, the owner of the fine house wouldn't miss a wad of cash from his sock drawer or a couple priceless paintings lifted from his walls. After all, such stolen money would go to people who needed it much more. A house like this would be easy to rob. Snip a few security wires and you were in.

Unfortunately, this particular building would not be an easy hit. Looking closer, a thief would notice three guards armed with automatic machine guns and radios circling the yard twenty four hours a day. He might also pick out the state-of-the art security systems lacing the doors and window sills and the pen of hungry mastiffs kept beside the house. This was not a building some teen off the street could force his way into. Whoever lived inside the palace was a careful man.

Incidentally, men of his lifestyle generally were.

Paranoid bastard, the man thought as he stepped up to the iron gate, watching a guard make his round across the front lawn. The Tong boss spent a fortune on protection and still couldn't help being shot at every other week. If the man could remember correctly, Jin Lee had something like fifteen slugs in his aging body. An offense to airport security. The guy was also a walking target. Too many enemies. It wasn't natural to have so many men out in the streets scheming to blow a hole the size of a golf ball in one's head. When Interpol wasn't hunting him, other gang leaders were. The world just wasn't big enough for men like Jin Lee.

The man shrugged to himself as he pressed the 'talk' button on the gate to house com-link. With any luck that night he would make the world a bigger place.

He spoke his name into the intercom.

“We weren't expecting you tonight, sir,” a guard on the other side said after a pause, “Does Mr. Lee know you are here?”

“No, but he'll want to talk to me. Trust me, tonight's not the night to make your decisions out of an appointment book. Just open the gate.”

The guard paused again. “Yessir,” he said finally.

Soundlessly, the gate eased it's way open. Smooth and efficient. Just like everything else.

The man made his way to the front door, nodding casually to a gun wielding guard, who stared back impassively. The man shook his head as he knocked on the door. He half wondered if Jin Lee picked his security team from the Queen's Guard. Their faces were all like stone.

The door was answered by a massive suited bodyguard, shoulders broad and his head shaven clean. Veins pulsed behind his tattooed neck. Jin Lee always did like 'em big and dumb. Maybe he felt more confident with surface area protecting his body than brains and vigilance. The man smiled to himself. Jin Lee, Jin Lee, you poor naïve old man. After all, hired guns couldn't keep the rotten apple out of the barrel.

The bodyguard wore a perpetual frown. He looked the man up and down carefully. “Mr. Lee is waiting in the study, sir.”

The man simply nodded, edged his way passed the looming guard, and walked down a dimly lit hallway framed with paintings and portraits of deceased relatives. The man picked out a Monet among the crowd of canvas. The painting was Sunrise, blood red and swathed in inky smoke. Symbolizing a new dawn. A new dynasty. His new dynasty. Jin Lee had overstayed his welcome as the Black Dragon Tong leader. It was time for a new sun to rise.

Blood red or not.

The man knocked on the study door. “Enter,” came Jin Lee's voice.

The old man, Jin Lee, sat behind a giant mahogany desk. A small bottle of scotch accompanied by a shot glass was closest to his hand and the polished wood surface was strewn with financial papers and stubbed out cigarette butts. A wrought-iron spiral staircase was planted near the back of the room and led to a loft where books were stuffed into shelves. Jin Lee stared at the man suspiciously as he took a seat, stroking his pepper stained beard.

“And what the hell are you doing here?”

“I want you to reconsider my proposition.”

“So you traveled three thousand miles to beat a dead horse, as our American friends would say.” Jin Lee chuckled mirthlessly. “I could've told you no again over the phone and saved you your time and money.”

“I won't take no for an answer, sir. Think of the money we could reap. Think of the power we could hold - ”

“'Here are my three treasures. Guard and keep them! The first is pity; the second, frugality; the third, refusal to be foremost of all things under heaven',” Jin Lee quoted, pouring a glass of scotch and smiling.

The man shook his head. “Don't give me that Confucius-say crap. Listen to what I'm saying. Our Tong could have complete dominance. Billions of dollars would appear in your bank account. Everyone wins!”

“Laozi said that, not Confucius.”

“Whatever.”

“Two very big differences, you know.”

The man stood up, furious, “Why won't you support this? We have the technology, we have the means. You give the word and we all become filthy rich. But you won't. Why?”

Jin Lee shrugged and sipped his scotch. “Honor.”

“Honor,” The man repeated in disbelief.

“I'm not a greedy man. I take what I need – what we need – and leave the rest alone. I'm not a terrorist. And I refuse to give my Tong that reputation. Triads are ancient and honorable groups, despite what you and other people think. I will not have my hands stained with innocent blood.”

“Honor is overrated. You're weak, sir. Honor is for the weak.”

“It's tradition.”

“To hell with tradition!” The man whispered, planting his knuckled onto the desk. “This will happen, Jin Lee. If you won't order it, I will.”

“You will not. Last time I checked, orders were issued by me.”

“Not for long,” the man said quietly.

Jin Lee paused and stared at the man, scrutinizing him uncertainly. A threat.

The man continued, “You're old, Jin Lee. You're what? Seventy-one? A number of diseases and maladies could strike you down any day now. You could also take a nasty fall – accidental, of course – and break your hip, maybe your neck. Any day, Jin Lee. Any moment. Death is inevitable.”

The man drew a gun from his suit coat and aimed it at Jin Lee's head. The aging Chinese leader froze but made no attempt to rise or move. He stayed where he was, chest heaving, hand frozen around his shot glass.

The man smiled. “Today's as good as any, Jin Lee. Stand up, hands in the air.”

Jin Lee stood carefully, hands trembling in the air, “They'll know it was you. At least ten people saw you enter the house. You won't get away with this. Murdering the boss - ”

The man turned Jin Lee around roughly and prodded him forward with the gun barrel, “Oh, this isn't murder. This is an accident. A nasty fall. Up the staircase, sir.”

Slipping his hand over Jin Lee's mouth firmly and grinding the gun into his back, the man led him to the staircase leading to the loft. They ascended slowly; Jin Lee a prisoner being led to the gallows. The man smiled.

As they reached the top step, the man dropped his gun to a reading chair, gripped the bosses greasy hair and thrust both hands forward, twisting the old man's neck sickeningly out of proportion. He heard a crack as his neck broke. Jin Lee's body went limp.

Quickly, the man dropped the Tong leader to the ground and ripped open his suit. Jin Lee's eyes bulged. He was still alive, but he couldn't breath. Asphyxiation would set in fast. However, that was not the way Jin Lee would die.

From his pocket, the man drew a boxy prototype defibrillator: the newest in a portable “miniature” line. He detached one electrode – no bigger than his palm - and placed it above Jin Lee's heart, the other he slipped below the pectoral. Jin Lee's eyes darted in their sockets frantically. The man switched on the defibrillator and mashed his finger down on the red button. Jin Lee's bare chest jerked up roughly and his heart stopped beating. His eyes glazed over and he laid still. The man grinned. Instant heart attack.

Grunting, he tore the electrodes from the old man's chest, lifted the heavy corpse, propped it against the loft railing and flung it over the banister with all his might. Jin Lee toppled through nothingness for a moment – limbs flailing grotesquely – before his back collided with a glass coffee table. The table exploded in a shimmering shards of light.

The man started screaming for help, snatched up his gun, and ran down the stairs, taking them two at a time. Within minutes three bodyguards bowled their way into the study, alerted by the man's yells, to find the Black Dragon Tong boss lying on the floor, dead of a heart attack, his neck broken because of the fall from the loft. They would find their visitor very shaken and distressed, babbling about the unfortunate incident. He would leave the house moments later – excused from the scene - hail a taxi, and drive to the airport, his job finished.

As he sat in the back of the cab, the man watched the sun rising over the skyscrapers of the Tai Po district.

It was blood red.

It was always blood red.

A new dynasty had begun.


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Wed Oct 03, 2007 10:18 pm
Kylan says...



There is a sequel, dear Johnny! Honor is a novel. You can click on my portfolio and find Honor #s 1-7 :wink: .

And yes. About the gun. "The man" is a trusted individual in the upper echelon of the Black Dragon Tong. If it is not evident in this chapter, it will be evident in the chapters to come. Think of "The man" as Jin Lee's right hand man... Why, then, would they need to search him?

Hope everyone continues to read!

-Kylan




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Wed Oct 03, 2007 10:11 pm
jonny911 says...



awesome story, great modern assasin story. Please give us a sequel! Other than that, keep writing!




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Wed Oct 03, 2007 6:26 pm
Ego wrote a review...



Portable Defib? That would need charging, yes?

Also, agreed with Trident about the gun. Lee's men would have checked him thoroughly. He is, after all, the Tong leader.

Excellent work, otherwise. I would critique, but I am late for work. Weak, right?

--Hunter




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Thu Sep 13, 2007 5:58 am
Trident wrote a review...



I'll give this one a thorough crit, and read up to five and six, though those will come later.

A bit of a slow start for action, I would think. It's wonderfully descriptive, but you must think of your reader, as well. When they expect an action story, they will be disappointed with a long descriptive beginning. If they expect a literary style piece after your beautiful introduction, they will likely be disappointed with the rash style that action writing typically takes. It might be worth trying to fit this description elsewhere, just not at the start.

Undoubtedly, the residential palace was home to a politician or businessman. A man that hoarded cash and locked himself away in a plush skyscraper and wiped his ass with linen handkerchiefs. He probably didn't even recycle them. Every time he used the toilet, several dollars worth of fabric in the trash - down the drain. Material that ten year-old kids in sweat shops were paid a nickel a day to sew with machinery five times their size. So what if that handkerchief had cost a kid his finger to a ten inch stitching needle? There were plenty more were he came from. With this obvious richness, the owner of the fine house wouldn't miss a wad of cash from his sock drawer or a couple priceless paintings lifted from his walls. After all, such stolen money would go to people who needed it much more.


Okay, unless we have a Robin Hood-style character doling out such sad stories, this exposition is tiresome. We're supposed to be angry at the rich man, right? Linen toilet paper...yadda yadda...sweatshops...yadda...rich guy deserves it...yadda. How about something substantive, something that we as readers don't necessarily have to agree with. If it is not your "man" who is thinking such thoughts, but a mere telling, cut it all, and quick.

A house like this would be easy to rob. Snip a few security wires and you were in.

Unfortunately, this particular building would not be an easy hit. Looking closer, a thief would notice three guards armed with automatic machine guns and radios circling the yard twenty four hours a day. He might also pick out the state-of-the art security systems lacing the doors and window sills and the pen of hungry mastiffs kept beside the house. This was not a building some teen off the street could force his way into. Whoever lived inside the palace was a careful man.


Ouch, a really sharp contradiction here. Why say its easy at all? Perhaps, in the top sentence there, you should say something about how easy it would be morally for the man to rob this house, play off your Robin Hood-ness of the previous paragraph.

as he stepped up to the iron gate, watching a guard make his round across the front lawn. The Tong boss spent a fortune on protection and still couldn't help being shot at every other week. An offense to airport security. The guy was also a walking target. Too many enemies. It wasn't natural to have so many men out in the streets scheming to blow a hole the size of a golf ball in one's head. When Interpol wasn't hunting him, other gang leaders were. The world just wasn't big enough for men like Jin Lee.


Boring exposition/narrative. Must be careful not to have too much. I think putting all this exposition into dialog in the meeting between the two would be much more exciting. The airport security quip was highly amusing and I would use it later. Have the man ask Jin Lee about it. It's a good way to show that the man knows how to gauge reactions.

The guard paused again. “Yessir,” he said finally.


Give us a cue that the guard asked Jin Lee if the man should be allowed in, otherwise I have a hard time believing he would just let in a stranger because of the man's threats.

The man simply nodded, edged his way passed the looming guard, and walked down a dimly lit hallway framed with paintings and portraits of deceased relatives. The man picked out a Monet among the crowd of canvas. The painting was Sunrise, blood red and swathed in inky smoke. Symbolizing a new dawn. A new dynasty. His new dynasty. Jin Lee had overstayed his welcome as the Black Dragon Tong leader. It was time for a new sun to rise.


I really didn't mind this part and thought it gave a nice bit about the man without telling too much. Not sure why CCF chose to pick on it, save for maybe the idle bit about walking down a hallway.


“I won't take no for an answer, sir. Think of the money we could reap. Think of the power we could hold - ”


Oy, please give your man's dialog a look-over. It really doesn't endear us to him whatsoever and actually makes him seem like a whiny baby. Even if he happens to be a bad guy, he should have appeal as its his point of view we seem to be seeing here. Please take my advice from before and have the two talk of all the things that you were trying to eek out in narrative. Have the narrator test Jin Lee and have Jin Lee test him back. Play mind games. Commit psychological warfare. Keep us in your dialog.

The man drew a gun from his suit coat and aimed it at Jin Lee's head. The aging Chinese leader froze but made no attempt to rise or move. He stayed where he was, chest heaving, hand frozen around his shot glass.


He had a gun!!! The fact that he had a gun really made this so much less believable. Jin Lee spends a fortune protecting his house with gadgets and guards and they don't check him for a gun? There must be a good enough reason, and the fact that the guards were dumb doesn't cut it. If the gun was hidden, you must explain how he could have possibly gotten it past the guards. If the guards were too intimidated to search, you must give us a reason why. If Jin Lee gave the man a reprieve from the guards' search, you must say why, either when they search him, or when Jin Lee and the man are talking.

Also, I don't think scotch is usually drunk from a shot glass. And it is especially not sipped if it's in a shot glass, as you have in another sentence. There are such things as scotch glasses, so perhaps you could insert that in smoothly.

He would leave the house moments later – excused from the scene - hail a taxi, and drive to the airport, his job finished.


This certainly needs more plausibility as has been mentioned several times already. No free ticket here. The guards need to have a reason to excuse him after such a convenient death. After all, the man died on their watch. If the police were involved, perhaps the guards would be less likely to involve themselves... but would the police ever be involved in such a situation. The whole situation is paradoxical, yes, and you need to find a way to transition him leaving the house to your next chapter. You're the writer, so you'll have to come up with something, and I have full confidence that you will. Best of luck, as always.




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Tue Aug 21, 2007 8:54 pm
the-candyman says...



great job i dont understand how in the story it says Lin Jee is greedy but he wont do the deal because of honor
:smt044




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Tue Aug 21, 2007 8:42 pm
Lynlyn wrote a review...



All of the grammar errors that I noticed have already been pointed out. Your problem areas are few, but one to look at would be pacing. While well written, the beginning is rather slow - specifically in the "wiping one's bum with a linen handkerchief" paragraph. There was also one area of dialogue that I wasn't sure how to interpret:

Kylan wrote: “I won't take no for an answer, sir. Think of the money we could reap. Think of the power we could hold - ”

This is the part of the conversation that still confuses me a little. The main problem here is that we keep slipping in and out of the character's consciousness, flip-flopping between showing and telling. Therefore, when this part of the conversation comes up, there are some things that aren't very clear.

Was "The Man" planning on killing Jin Lee the entire time, regardless of his answer? If so, we should know that. A little commentary (like the paragraph where The Man is talking about how people are trying to knock off the boss every other week) would be nice - that way we would know what his intentions were. If he's just creating filler, and The Man is planning on killing the boss whether he agrees or not, it should be clear.

But what if Jin Lee had agreed? If The Man was planning on sparing Jin Lee's life if he had given in, then the dialogue here needs to be a little more solid, a little more determined. As it is, he seems a little plastic in some places. You tell us at the end that the man's acting was dramatic enough to get him off the hook at the end - so how do we know he was serious about this scene?

As it is, I think it could be interpreted either way. Is The Man serious about striking a last-minute deal, or is he just toying around before he shoves him off the stairs? If I were you, I would try to give it a little more of a solid push in one direction or the other.

Although I haven't researched anything like this before, I can say that it looks like you've done your homework. However, the believability of the guards just letting the man leave is questionable.

Your description, however, is fantastic. Your style is very witty, very intelligent, and I like that. I enjoyed your little broken-off lines - "Incidentally, men of his lifestyle generally were" and " Blood red or not," et cetera. The last few lines at the closing were excellent - very brief, and very clean. I'll be looking out for the next few chapters after I get through the third one.




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Mon Aug 13, 2007 10:10 pm
JabberHut wrote a review...



This was wonderful, Kylan! It was certainly realistic, the characters introduced very well. Amazing comparisons too: metaphors, similes, etc. Excellent!

I spotted a few grammar mistakes, but the others seemed to have caught them. I can't wait to read the next part.

I especially liked how the main character is like some criminal mastermind instead of a goody-goody two-shoes. Wonderful! ^^

Jabber, the One and Only!




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Mon Aug 13, 2007 4:37 pm
ninja-Z wrote a review...



nice description!!!
yeah.

"knuckled" should be "knuckles", and "a shimmering shards of light " should be either "shimmering shards of light"or "a shimmering shard of light". :(

Overall, very realistic, great description, etc.

Good job!




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Fri Aug 10, 2007 7:54 am
Cabassi_Crime_Family wrote a review...



Ciao Kylan - credo che non hai pazenza? Eh?

To the critique though. Let's begin on the straightforward. Brevity, it is said, is the soul of wit. It carries over one might guess, to other things - to narrative and prose, vero?

BREVITY, SOUL OF WIT, WIT SOUL OF BREVITY--

Simply, in narrative style: You're sitting with an action-adventure tale that begins at the pace of an octogenarian stepping up to fence gold medal bout. Now, pace can pick up, naturally. Often does. But this sits on the fence, so to speak, and not only begins in a rather abstract third-person-nearly-omniscient, but has its first three sentences at a Dostoyevsky worthy length.

Doubtless, this dulls interest and leaves one rather at a loss. There's something hinting at a Confucian stillness in the style, as if you meant to give the tone or atmosphere something tranquil and ancient to contrast the plot or action to.

Dai, m'amico - the difficulty, vero? There's little if anything to contrast it to. The nameless 'man' does nothing - or very little - active. Once you switch to him, your style still changes very little.

So, if you intend to contrast, do. Make it distinct and vivid and brief. What can be said in ten words can often be shown in two. And you needn't necassarily lose a tone or atmosphere by being more brief.


ALONG A SHOOT-OFF: CONSECUTIVELY SPEAKING--

E pazzo, vero? But you did something similar in Oil Fields. You began with rather a lot of telling, -iteration and reiteration; and then went to to show things well enough. But why both? And why begin on the lowest, most sluggish note?

Perimeter lights shown like flickering campfires around the house, directed at it's entrances, gateways, and red-brick walls. The shadows they cast loomed; black charcoal stains painted across the structure and a dark yellow glow glittered out from massive windows like champagne bubbles under lamp light. By anyone's standards the house was magnificent in the oppressing nighttime. An opulent beacon among the urbanized and smog clouded countryside of the Tai Po district.

It also seemed ripe for the picking.


Keen description. In all truth, I would enjoy it for itself had it been anywhere else. But as a beginning, it dropped like the denoument set in the middle of a story and lost without explanation.

Si, the image is there, ragazzo. A setting, more or less. But it is disconnect from your reader simply for lack of knowledge or sympathy. The final sentence, its own paragraph, breaks the flow up deftly. But 'it seemed' to whom?

...which brings the question round to character...


THAT BLOODY HUMAN ELEMENT--

Senz'altra (of course) the soul of a story, unlike wit, is not brevity but character. Some writers manage to make a place a character and it carries a tale with almost as much ease as the most charismatic human feature. Yet it is a place made human, vero?

Even good suspense and action plots have their character. One wouldn't stick to Tom Clancy, perhaps, without Jack Ryan. Fantasy that he is, James Bond is a character as well.

Simply: A reader means to relate, to love or to hate, some(thing)one in a story.

But how do we connect to anyone - as yet - in this?

Jin Lee

Ah, he's got the facets to have been interesting for his brief screen time, so to speak. Now he's dead.

Guard?

Yes, well, another aspect to the setting, but not the human element.

The Man/Thief

His name suits him. The most one gets of him is in his abbreviated, somewhat flippant exchange with Lee. Though he comes off with the criminal's slightly cliche dismissiveness, his voice and character are clearest in that.

...why then couldn't I feel him as tangible?

He is your narrator, as it were - for most of the piece, we follow him and are meant to see things with his eyes glazing them.

BEST OF 'MAN' --

Paranoid bastard, the man thought as he stepped up to the iron gate, watching a guard make his round across the front lawn. The Tong boss spent a fortune on protection and still couldn't help being shot at every other week. If the man could remember correctly, Jin Lee had something like fifteen slugs in his aging body. An offense to airport security. The guy was also a walking target. Too many enemies. It wasn't natural to have so many men out in the streets scheming to blow a hole the size of a golf ball in one's head. When Interpol wasn't hunting him, other gang leaders were. The world just wasn't big enough for men like Jin Lee.


In that, you've slipped in the character's attitude along with supporting character background; and you've got the fellow's diction to change up your narrative. Apt, to understate it - it's well done.


Dai then, how do you lose my interest. Tu pensi quello, si?

The man simply nodded, edged his way passed the looming guard, and walked down a dimly lit hallway framed with paintings and portraits of deceased relatives. The man picked out a Monet among the crowd of canvas. The painting was Sunrise, blood red and swathed in inky smoke. Symbolizing a new dawn. A new dynasty. His new dynasty. Jin Lee had overstayed his welcome as the Black Dragon Tong leader. It was time for a new sun to rise.


You begin to tell again. One can't be feel a bit doubtful of a story that seems to want to convince its reader of the plot-line and character.


...MODERATION IN ALL THINGS - VERO? [narrative II]

Let your character speak for himself. Let the story speak for itself. Frankly, action is brilliant for being a place to speak plainly and hit hard, vero?

Your poor 'man/thief' is muffled in how much narrative you've packed him in; and your pace is slowed by the dialogue implying what the narrative has just said; which is - once or twice - echoed by the character's thoughts as well.

Comb the thing for overkill. Trust the reader to catch hints and insinuations. And most importantly, don't muffle a good character. Your characters will carry the story, vero? They don't need to be held by the hand, most often.

FINITO [in closing] --


What more can be said? The positives. forse (maybe). Firstly, you've set a vivid scene on the street. Take advantage of that to be concrete and set your character on the scene quick as possible. Secondly, you've an active beginning in actual plot-line - let it show in pacing and diction, vero? Thirdly, your description and dialogue both tend to be good, both in pushing the story forward and illustrating character. Watch that you're not drowning them; and keep moving. Scherzo - vero?


Ciao Kylan. If you've any questions, feel free to contact Il Don, Sabradani; the Underboss Imp or Adam Antlantian.




[ CCF]




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Wed Aug 08, 2007 8:25 pm
weekend_warrior says...



Well done. I would lengthen the dialogue descriptors however, adding more between the lines.




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Tue Aug 07, 2007 10:25 pm
Prokaryote wrote a review...



Very entertaining. :D

directed at it's entrances, gateways, and red-brick walls.


Should be "its"; there is no apostrophe for the possessive form.

I'm a bit confused how the man got out of the building without be held up. You'd think even the dumb guards would realize it was just a bit too convenient for Jin Lee to die when he was alone with a visitor. And considering how paranoid Jin Lee was, he obviously had enemies, so why didn't anyone suspect anything?

Regardless, the story was fun to read. Well-written. :)

Prokaryote




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Tue Aug 07, 2007 9:49 pm
Evangelina says...



KYLAN! This is fan-freakin-tastic. I'm Chinese meself, and I enjoy the names, the district, your imagination, and the part of the Laozi and Cunfu mix-up. It's all very realistic. Good job.

-Evangelina





Percy fell face-first into his pizza.
— Rick Riordan, The Mark of Athena