Farm
I was sitting on the damp ground as I watched my sister play on the banks of the Huai River. As I sat I listened for any sounds of an animal near by; then out of nowhere I heard a loud, high pitched scream that made my spine shiver. I immediately stood up and ran as fast as I could toward the noise. Right in front of me I saw my mother, Ai Ya, laying on the ground. I fell to the ground beside her and she was not breathing. I could feel a hot tear fall down my cheek. She must have fallen from the China Fir tree when she was picking the sweet smelling, little white flowers from the tree. What will me and my sisters do without a mother?
It has been a year since mother died. After her death we were sent to live with our crazy aunt Shi Yi. She is a farm laborer and has no money. She also does not believe in binding feet. She thinks that it is cruel and that the gods don't think people with bound feet should be on this earth. This year I was supposed to get my feet bound but because I have to work on the farm now, I won't be anymore. Most girls have there feet bound between the ages of 4 and 9, I am 12. If I do not get my feet bound soon it will be too late and then I will never get married. No man wants to marry a girl with big feet. I will have to be a farm worker for the rest of my life now.
I talk to my sister Shen Ya as I scoop out the gross smelling muck from the irrigation ditches. Shen Ya has less work to do on the farm then I do because she is only three years old. She has to help weed, thresh, and husk the fields. I have to paddy the fields and clear irrigation ditches. When I was younger I used to sit in my home and think about how much fun it would be to be poor and work on a farm because I love plants and animals. Now that I am here working on a farm I realize how hard a life this is and I wish that my mother never died. Now I have no parents. My dad died when I was three during the year of 990, he got sick with tuberculosis and the doctor could not cure him.
Today I have to paddy the fields, I have to scoop the wet rice bundles from the flooded fields that rice grows. This is how everyone is farming rice these days. As I scoop the wet, sweet smelling rice bundles from the fields, a worried looking man comes running up to me and tells me that my sister Shen Ya had been hurt. He tells me to come with him. I follow him through the rice fields and see a group of people standing over a little girl.
“Shen Ya!”, I think to myself.
I run over to her and see her red face, dampened from tears. A tall thin lady tells me she broke her ankle and I should take her home and let her rest. I pick her up and carry her as fast as I can through the rice fields. When I get home, I lay her down on her bed. My aunt comes in and tells me to get back to work because if I stop working I will not get my pay for the day.
When I am done with my work for the day, I hurry home to see Shen Ya. When I get there my aunt tells me to make dinner. I decide that I will make salted fish and rice. This was mother's favorite meal. I have not had it since she died, but I saw her make it so many times and I think I can remember how to make it. It might make Shen Ya feel better to eat something that mother used to cook. When I finish making salted fish and rice I bring some to Shen Ya. She only eats a little bit of it.
It has been three weeks since Shen Ya broke her ankle and it is now infected. She has a really high fever and is not eating. I am really starting to worry. My aunt got her herbal medicine from the medicine man. He told us to put the leaves in a pot of water, boil it, and rub the hot leaves on her ankle 3 times everyday before each meal. We have been doing this for three weeks now and her ankle is only getting worse. I fear that one night she might go to sleep and not wake up.
One night after I finished eating my dinner I go check on Shen Ya. I am just really hoping she gets better. I walk into her room and sit on her straw bed. As I sit next to her sleeping body I realize she is not sleeping or breathing.
I sit next to her bed for what feels like 100 years before getting up because if I am to get up it makes this so much more real. I fear that since now we are poor, she will not have a proper burial meaning she will be miserable for an eternity. I get up and go tell my aunt. We sit next to her body and remember all of the good times we had, I cry and cry all through the night. In the morning, I start to cry again and just wish that the pain will go away some day. Maybe someday I will get the guts to run away so I don't have to be a farm worker forever.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
I like the amazing description at the beginning " high pitched scream that made my spine shiver". I do wonder however if you could have added a little more facts about china though. I also like how you instantly got the attention of the reader with a dramatic death right at the beginning. I do wonder if you could have put spaces between your dialog.
Very dramatic story. I like how you described things that were happening in the story. I also like how you included some facts about foot binding and medicine in that time. I wonder if you could've had more information about Imperial China. I also wonder if you could've put more places in your story. Most of the story was only in the farm. I would recommend writing more conversations between characters. Great first short story!
I don't understand why you just started with the the word "farm". I wonder if you could have used more dialog. The story sort of seems like diary entries. I like that it had a lot of drama in the the story. I like how many deaths there are in the the story. In this sentence "He told us to put the leaves in a pot of water, boil it, and rub the hot leaves on her ankle 3 times everyday before each meal." I wonder if you could have spelled out the the number three. I think the first death seemed really soon but I think that it helps grab the attention of the reader.
It was an interesting story at the very most and it did have a good plot line but I do wish that you could have more of showing in your story. I think it needed a little bit more detail and it will be a good story to read. Also there are some grammar and punctuation errors throughout the story. I also really love the names though. I hope for a better ending because most books want to be outside of the box that they just go right in the middle. I hope you know what I mean but anyway it was a good book and I might just read it again.
Hi KylaGreenhut,
Your story has always had me at the edge of my seat, and couldn't wait to read more of it. Other than some punctuation, grammar, and not putting spaces between your dialogue. You had a very intriguing story. Not only that ,but you also slipped in some historical content, and that is very impressive considering your story never disappointed. Well done!
Hi KylaGreenhut,
Your story has always had me at the edge of my seat, and couldn't wait to read more of it. Other than some punctuation, grammar, and not putting spaces between your dialogue. You had a very intriguing story. Not only that ,but you also slipped in some historical content, and that is very impressive considering your story never disappointed. Well done!
Hey there KylaGreenhut. It's just lizzy dropping by real quick, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.
1. The chain of events of your story is really twisted and you don't separate the transitions in time making it very confusing for the reader. My first find in this category was this line.
This contradicts with a few of your previous lines.
Unless your sister is just your half-sister. If this is the case, who is her father?
The second find is not as major but still confusing. In between your first and second paragraphs a year has passed. There is no transition except for this sentence. That really bothered me and made me dislike the piece because absolutely no emotion is shown. This continues throughout the piece and the descriptions remain bland.
I think this was meant as a sort of mental journal by the narrator but there is no essence of time. We have a year but nothing else. I don't even know if the year in my mind is right because of a prior conflicting timeline. If you could give just a little glimpse of the time or date, it would be very helpful in understanding the story.
2. There was this one little line that still had to do with a timeline but it was only lacking a couple of seconds. I decided to give those little examples their own spot.
Okay this is the part of the story when she discovered her mother's body. The thing is, how did she know her mother was not breathing, if she did not check? I understand what you were trying to right but one little extra sentence would make this line so much easier to read.
3. Despite the lack of description and some unnecessary details, your story remains pretty strong most of the way through. I was starting praise it. Then I got to the end. I am not referring to the death of her younger sister but that last, final line.
This is a very overused concept that I have seen in lots of stories and books. The main character goes through a bunch of tragic events and then declares vengeance or tries to find a better life. Now in fairytale land everybody lives happily ever after even though their loved ones died. This was classified under short story but the ending says chapter. You might want to clarify this before continuing.
4. Well, that's about all I have for today. I have to be on my way. You are still sort of new so, Happy Late Welcome to YWS. If you have any questions about anything just ask.
-lizzy
Hey there, saw this hadn't been reviewed so here I am!
This whole paragraph happens way way way too quickly. I get the whole juxtaposition of beauty against death but do you not feel like this deserves more than one paragraph? Otherwise, I'd suggest just cutting it out altogether and starting from the second paragraph because as it is we as the reader don't really gain much from it.
I think overall this is what your issue with this story is. The premise is good and it's a reasonably enjoyable read but it's just too fast. There's no chance for the reader to really bond with your protagonist much and it feels like a missed opportunity.
Hope this helps,
Icy.
I like that you character of your is helpful in the story
When I am done with my work for the day, I hurry home to see Shen Ya. When I get there my aunt tells me to make dinner. I decide that I will make salted fish and rice. This was mother's favorite meal. I have not had it since she died, but I saw her make it so many times and I think I can remember how to make it. It might make Shen Ya feel better to eat something that mother used to cook. When I finish making salted fish and rice I bring some to Shen Ya. She only eats a little bit of it.
I feel pity for her because she want to bind her feet which is a very painful experiance
It has been a year since mother died. After her death we were sent to live with our crazy aunt Shi Yi. She is a farm laborer and has no money. She also does not believe in binding feet. She thinks that it is cruel and that the gods don't think people with bound feet should be on this earth. This year I was supposed to get my feet bound but because I have to work on the farm now, I won't be anymore. Most girls have there feet bound between the ages of 4 and 9, I am 12. If I do not get my feet bound soon it will be too late and then I will never get married. No man wants to marry a girl with big feet. I will have to be a farm worker for the rest of my life now.
I also feel sad for her death of mom and dad
My dad died when I was three during the year of 990, he got sick with tuberculosis and the doctor could not cure him.
It has been a year since mother died. After her death we were sent to live with our crazy aunt Shi Yi. She is a farm laborer and has no money.
Don't she feel luck she does not have to have the pain that other womans have when binding the feet of the girl
I like that you character of your is helpful in the story
When I am done with my work for the day, I hurry home to see Shen Ya. When I get there my aunt tells me to make dinner. I decide that I will make salted fish and rice. This was mother's favorite meal. I have not had it since she died, but I saw her make it so many times and I think I can remember how to make it. It might make Shen Ya feel better to eat something that mother used to cook. When I finish making salted fish and rice I bring some to Shen Ya. She only eats a little bit of it.
I feel pity for her because she want to bind her feet which is a very painful experiance
It has been a year since mother died. After her death we were sent to live with our crazy aunt Shi Yi. She is a farm laborer and has no money. She also does not believe in binding feet. She thinks that it is cruel and that the gods don't think people with bound feet should be on this earth. This year I was supposed to get my feet bound but because I have to work on the farm now, I won't be anymore. Most girls have there feet bound between the ages of 4 and 9, I am 12. If I do not get my feet bound soon it will be too late and then I will never get married. No man wants to marry a girl with big feet. I will have to be a farm worker for the rest of my life now.
I also feel sad for her death of mom and dad
My dad died when I was three during the year of 990, he got sick with tuberculosis and the doctor could not cure him.
It has been a year since mother died. After her death we were sent to live with our crazy aunt Shi Yi. She is a farm laborer and has no money.
Don't she feel luck she does not have to have the pain that other womans have when binding the feet of the girl