Dark figures dance across dank doorways, sporadically morphing. A solid, humid mist encompasses the ruins. It forces the victims down, restrains them with a bleak, airy grip. Writhing heavily at first, the victim screams. But the mist intoxicates and consumes, only to bring emptiness to its prey, for the mist has sucked all the life out of it’s catch. And now this prey is numb and dead, yet still alive. It is mechanical and withdrawn, out of touch, neither happy nor sad nor in between. It is neither sane nor insane.
It is simply empty.
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Hey Kyaira,
This is an interesting piece and you have a way with words. Kudos.
I want to spend a little time discussing the metaphor or, more precisely in your case, the parable. I don't know whether you are aware of the fact that your little paragraph reads a little like a sermon. You speak in abstraction describing the robotic attitude to life that grabs hold of those who have lost reason to live. I have no reason to read this, however. And as a writer, it is your obligation to ensure that the reader is interested by what you have to say.
The answer is to lose some of the abstraction and to tie down your idea in some concrete manner. This means telling a specific story rather than a vague many stories. If I were writing your paragraph I would go about it somewhat differently and personalize it tying it to a character. All effective parables need to be able to latch onto a reader.
I will use Harry Potter metaphors in my adaptation of your paragraph as that is what I was reminded of.
The frigid air strikes his face as he feels the darkness creeping closer. He tries to run but it is suffocating; the darkness is asphyxiating; addictive. The tall, thin hooded figure approaches and he feels weak, like all of his happiness is being swallowed by darkness. He screams as the dementor lowers his hood. Whispers of a disturbing past prey on his consciousness. It delivers the kiss.
He is left empty inside. Should he feel sad or happy? He cannot remember.
The point that I'm making is that it's all very well to be able to spin words, but in order to make something last it must be real. It must be personable.
I hope this helps illustrate my point.
Good Job
Yoda
Thanks for the critique Blink. That piece was meant to stoop the reader into questioning, such as, "what type of person is the victim?", "what actually happened to the victim?", etc. I believe some will get more out of it than others, especially those who can relate to the emptiness that this piece describes.
I am indeed new as of... about an hour ago. Thanks so much! I wrote that a while ago, actually, but was interested in what people would get from that piece. It's meant to aid the reader in visualizing the process and aftershock of a traumatic experience, but in a metaphoric way, and I purposely made it nonspecific to allow room for more imagination. Anyhow. Pornography Kiss, eh? That sounds interesting. You'll have to show me that novel when it's finished. Thanks again!
Hey, Kyaira! Welcome to YWS! You should introduce yourself in the welcome mat - we'd love to hear a bit about you.
I have to say, I had no idea what I was to expect when I opened up the piece. I have to say, though, that I really liked this! It was fantastically written. It's not pretentious and captures the mood well. But I have to ask - where would I see this piece? The simple fact that it doesn't seem to have any sort of target audience, or context to surround it, almost loses its focus. I think this would be far more enjoyable if you could work it into some other form of writing to give it that degree of purpose, so that you're not just rambling some rather nice artwork.
But as a simple piece of experimentation, it's very good. However. A few downsides:
A minor point - but I don't like the stressed alliteration. Four 'd' sounds is too much - get rid of dank. It adds nothing. In fact, it draws attention away from the fact that the doorways are meant to be, well, empty and boring.
This is all a bit messy. Mentioning the word "emptiness" damages any form of suspense to what you're describing. You can make a better attempt to grasp the concept, I'm sure.
So! There wasn't a lot to review, but hopefully I've given a few things to think about?
See you around!
-Blinky
God I love this. Are you new to YWS? If so, you sure as hell have a way to introduce yourself. Your use of words and laguage i spot on, which creates a very clear image in my mind of something terrible happening. I like the simplicity of the last line, which relates to the title. Overall a fantabulous little piece you got there. Can't wait to see more from you! By the way my name is 567ajt, lord of ambiguous poetry and really messed up stories, and I am working on a novel called Pornography Kiss. From the look of things, you are exceeding the whole novel in just a few lines. Very well done, and welcome to YWS