Uhm... This is my first poem I've done in a while, let alone let anyone see, haha... So I'm sorry in advance if its really, really bad!!! Rofl!!!
Seeing those, surrounding you, carefree and relieved...
Your days endless with pain and sorrow, as you cover your tears with a fake smile...
Walking to class, hearing nothing but laughter, chattering and joy from the groups of friends... Or so you perceived...
You watch them stare, and burn you with their hateful, yet greedy eyes...
You know they hate you, and only use you as the tool you are...
But you don’t care, as you watch their words of happiness and glee bounce off their lips into the others ears...
Staring and listening with absolute envy, as your mind cries...
Your hearts pounding, in suffering and in horrid pain...
You can’t stop the tears inside, as you cry your soul into oblivion...
Your mind, and its unusual disease, of constant depression, that has no cure, tears into your emotions and continuously tries to drive you insane...
You trust no one... You’re not understood by any soul... You’re unloved by all...
No one can hear you scream, no one can hear you shout...
Because no one cares what you’re all about...
Kuro Out! <3
P.S.
Please give me as much critisism as you want! I really want to get better, heheh, I love making people deeply feel my poems... Haha! It makes me feel like they understand my feelings, heh! So LOTS of critism please! Heh! =P
Adious! <3
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
The lines are too long. It gets rather tedious to read if the lines go on to eternity. Oh and too many ellipses.
Anyway, those are minor things. I really liked this poem because it was full of feeling. Oh and also writing this in second person point of view didn't work too well with the poem. All the yous just don't work. I mean, you're not telling us about the way we feel. Although, it does work in some areas such as here:
But it doesn't work here:
Of course, for consistency you have to write it wholly in that way but I suggest you alter the part above a little.
haaay! haha (: you left a review on MY poem so ill leave one on YOURS (:
hmm...anywho! seems like a really good poem. ok so you said to be critical
or what. so. im gonna be nit picky (: the only thing that bothered me a bit
was all the "....." lol. the dot dot dots.
an i do that too so i cant really say anything (: i was just tellin ya cuz
...well im bein nit picky!
haha the poem was great. i actually understood what you were talking about
unlike most of the poems on here. they tend to go over my head O:
anywayyys....thats all i got for you (: keep writing!
your good an i want to read more of your stuff!
much love (:
~katty~
Very nice poem, Kuro. However, I think the use of ellipses was a little extreme. Maybe you should replace them with periods and commas. Once in a while, ellipses help, but I feel that this is too much.
This line seems a bit long. Maybe you could break it up. Though that would disrupt the structure of the poem...
Your rhyme scheme is a bit erratic. Still, it was a great poem. I could relate to it so much, and this is deserving of a gold star in my opinion. So, there you go. Sorry I couldn't be of much more help.