Published September 2, 2010
Walking down the street in the shadow of twilight,
Looking up and down, left and right,
Have you seen all the stars above at night?
Long after sunset, above the smog,
Above buildings that reached for the sky.
Glittering blankets of sparkling diamonds,
Against the sea of black.
Set far your eyes,
Across millions of miles,
Billions of years.
A brief glimpse of the heavens above,
The infinite expanse of stars.
(Random inspiration for a song, I'm not very good with poetry. :9 C&C appreciated. )
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141,455 Literary Works • 674,469 Reviews
Thanks for reviews guys.
@Perse: I have to confess to writing it with very corny thoughts in mind. xD Inspiration was this: I looked out of my window on a rather clear night, and then I realized how rarely I ever looked up to observe the stars. And I thought it was a nice thing to write about, so I did, and that was the imagery set in my head. I'll edit if I find a new idea... My mind seems to be set on seeing "blankets of sparkling thingies against a whole lot of black". D;
I broke up the paragraphs so that the rhyming bits won't be lumped together with the non rhyming ones... Does it reduce the awkwardness?
@Mizzle: I have to admit again that the punctuation here is more of an afterthought... Baha I sure feel silly now. xD I added a bit more in, is it better? I did notice that the first part is waay too long compared to the second one, but was hoping it wouldn't throw readers off too much... Broke up the paragraphs a bit more, hopefully it flows better.
Again, thanks for the reviews. Really helps out a noob like me. xD
Hi there, Kurald.
Please note that corrections will be in red, and comments will be in bold.
Punctuation
This seems to be one of your main problems, dear. You need to remember to go back over your poem once, twice, three times to check to make sure you've put the correct punctuation in a poem. See, punctuation is very, very important in poetry. It can stop the flow, or make it go on, and on, and on. So just keep that in mind.
Structure
I just wanted to point out that your first stanza is much larger than the second one, and that is indeed a bit of a throw-off. However, it isn't too huge of a problem, just a tiny distraction that I noticed whilst reading.
Overall
You have a nice idea here; some parts did get a little cliche, I admit, but overall, this was a pretty good start. I hope to see you around the forums. If you ever need another review, I'm here! =D
~Mizz
Hi there,
so,
I think that this piece was good.. however, the topic was quite cliche. With those kinds of topics, you need to go about your writing in an original manner, and I'm sorry, but this didn't have that many original ideas to it. I would think of different metaphors or analogies to go with stars, and throw those in as well. It would help with the imagery, and create something altogether new in your piece.
Also, you had a rhyming scheme in the first three lines that all of a sudden just disappeared. This kind of threw me for a moment, and I stopped in my reading and started over, trying to feel out the rhythm without paying attention to the rhyming at all. It was a bit confusing.
Overall, I do think that this was nicely written, but I would encourage you to use some new imagery. Rather than compare them to diamonds, why not the glints of eyes? I dunno. My idea is terrible.
But something that stars are not often compared to. That is the idea.
Nice write, altogether.
-Coral-