z

Young Writers Society



nameless whisper

by Krystalstars


Nameless whisper
_______________

Am I just nothing?
A shadow
A flicker of light
Shining Bright
Then being put out
These days it feels as though
I'm just a nameless whisper
In the night

Nameless
Shapeless
No life
Everyone just passes me by
No lies

This nothing wants to be heard
But I am
Just a whisper
a ghostly presence
Doomed to wander these empty
Halls of society
I am at the bottom of the pit
Low as I can go

Nameless
Shapeless
No life
Everyone just passes me by
No lies


I've had enough
Why can't I just reach out
Shout loud
make everyone hear me
Can't they see
how I'm more than a nameless whisper

Nameless
Whisper
Shapeless
Lonly whisper
No life
Everyone passes be by
No lie
Lonly whisper of
the night

Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments


User avatar
75 Reviews

Points: 890
Reviews: 75

Donate
Fri Nov 10, 2006 3:45 am
Krystalstars says...



Thank you for the tips! It was going to be a song and I had a tune but I have forgotton it.......... :(
But thank you!




User avatar
694 Reviews

Points: 3454
Reviews: 694

Donate
Fri Nov 10, 2006 3:30 am
Via wrote a review...



I actually liked the randomness. I think that was well done.

But, as expected...I have some issues for you!

First and foremost, punctuation is a must.

Am I just nothing?
A shadow
A flicker of light
Shining Bright
Then being put out


First, I just can't wrap my head around this part of the first stanza. You are saying that you are nothing...but then saying that you are a flicker of light...that is shining bright? I think it just contradicts itself. But I do like the rhyme between light and night, it ties it together.

Nameless
Shapeless
No life
Everyone just passes me by
No lies


Here you have all these little short statement lines, and then a random long one. It throws it off and makes you stumble when reading it.

This nothing wants to be heard
But I am
Just a whisper
a ghostly presence
Doomed to wander these empty
Halls of society
I am at the bottom of the pit
Low as I can go


I think that because your first line is long and actually have an ending, the bolded section would sound better in one line instead of two.

I've had enough
Why can't I just reach out
Shout loud
make everyone hear me
Can't they see
how I'm more than a nameless whisper


I would remove 'how' at the beginning of the last line here, or at least make that line two lines.

Nameless
Whisper
Shapeless
Lonly whisper
No life
Everyone passes be by
No lie
Lonly whisper of
the night


First, I'd spell check this. Also, your first set of lines and your second set of lines are really two complete thoughts, and they kind of sound funny if you split them up into four lines. And of course the random line that I already suggested removing...

But, I do like the random thoughts--it leaves loose ends but still ties them together. Just a few thoughts from my crazy head to help you out!




User avatar
75 Reviews

Points: 890
Reviews: 75

Donate
Fri Nov 10, 2006 1:51 am
Krystalstars says...



Well...I porbably (spelling?) should have put it in lyrics but I like it as a poem better. But thank you for the positive review!




User avatar
5 Reviews

Points: 1090
Reviews: 5

Donate
Fri Nov 10, 2006 1:48 am
SilentGargoyle7 says...



This is good. The only thing I notice about it is that some bits seem a bit random. It kinda' broke my line of thought. But maybe that's the feeling your trying to convey. Haven't a clue. Great poem.





I do all of the training for Walgreen’s cashiers.
— The Devil