thanks! I'll be working on it!
THE MARIONETTE
_____________________
The spotlight turns
The crowd cheers and jeers
At the Marionette hanging there
That Marionette is me
Painted with the makeup of a world that sold me out
A mask that prevents the crowd from seeing the true me
My master beckons me to dance
Trapped here in these cords
No escape
From the strings that cut into me
I try to move
But time has suppressed my nerve
One tug and I stop
I give up
The dance soon ends
The crowd goes wild
They want more
But they can’t see
See how this is wearing on me
They think I am Free
Trapped here in these cords
No escape
From the strings that cut into me
I try to move
But time has suppressed my nerve
One tug and I stop
I give up
Master calls me forward
I feel something
Deep within
A fire
A deep craving
I want to end this
Trapped here in these cords
No escape
From the strings that cut into me
I try to move
But time has suppressed my nerve
One tug and I stop
I give up
As I am introduced
The circus clown
It has to stop
I tug nice and determined
The first tug hurts
But that flame grows
Inside a battle is raging
Master calls me forward
I feel something
Deep within
A fire
A deep craving
I want to end this
No more will I be your servant
No more a slave of this world
Trapped here in these cords
No escape
From the strings that cut into me
I try to move
But time has suppressed my nerve
One tug and I stop
Then I fight harder
No more am I a slave to you
No more will I bow down to you
Mmmm... like the idea.
The crowd cheers and jeers
Trapped here in these cords
No escape
From the strings that cut into me
I try to move
But time has suppressed my nerve
One tug and I stop
Kitkat_1122_ wrote:I like the idea (even though it is sad). You did a good job writing the first paragraph. I like your word choice such as: jeers, beckons (really like this one), no more, ect.
When I read this I couldn't find a pattern so I was wondering is there one? Or is the pattern how you repeat this:
Master calls me forward
I feel something
Deep within
A fire
A deep craving
I want to end this
the pattern?
I like the idea (even though it is sad). You did a good job writing the first paragraph. I like your word choice such as: jeers, beckons (really like this one), no more, ect.
When I read this I couldn't find a pattern so I was wondering is there one? Or is the pattern how you repeat this:
Master calls me forward
I feel something
Deep within
A fire
A deep craving
I want to end this
the pattern?
Thank you sooooooooooo! Much, I am glad that you did have some criticing. Then I can make it better! But seriously, thanx!
Hey, I like this idea. It really works. I think that if you were to change a few things though, it could read more smoothly. For enstance, when you wrote:
Master calls me forward
I feel something
Deep within
A fire
A deep craving
I want to end this
I like what your saying, but I think it would flow better if you put: 'I want this to end.' (That way Deep Within, and I want this to end would rhyme)
Also, in the next paragraph, I was really confused. I didn't understand what you were trying to say. I think it was just too choppy.
I give up
As I am introduced
The circus clown
It has to stop
I tug nice and determined
The first tug hurts
I don't mean to Critique you to hardly. This is deffently a positive review. The most importaint thing when your writing poetry is to be true and authentic, and I feel like were.
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