THE MARIONETTE
_____________________
The spotlight turns
The crowd cheers and jeers
At the Marionette hanging there
That Marionette is me
Painted with the makeup of a world that sold me out
A mask that prevents the crowd from seeing the true me
My master beckons me to dance
Trapped here in these cords
No escape
From the strings that cut into me
I try to move
But time has suppressed my nerve
One tug and I stop
I give up
The dance soon ends
The crowd goes wild
They want more
But they can’t see
See how this is wearing on me
They think I am Free
Trapped here in these cords
No escape
From the strings that cut into me
I try to move
But time has suppressed my nerve
One tug and I stop
I give up
Master calls me forward
I feel something
Deep within
A fire
A deep craving
I want to end this
Trapped here in these cords
No escape
From the strings that cut into me
I try to move
But time has suppressed my nerve
One tug and I stop
I give up
As I am introduced
The circus clown
It has to stop
I tug nice and determined
The first tug hurts
But that flame grows
Inside a battle is raging
Master calls me forward
I feel something
Deep within
A fire
A deep craving
I want to end this
No more will I be your servant
No more a slave of this world
Trapped here in these cords
No escape
From the strings that cut into me
I try to move
But time has suppressed my nerve
One tug and I stop
Then I fight harder
No more am I a slave to you
No more will I bow down to you
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
thanks! I'll be working on it!
Mmmm... like the idea.
Cheers and jeers is very... clichéd. Change it to something/anything else.
If you're going to keep on repeating these, do something with them to keep our interest up. Italicize it, change the punctuation, do subtle wording changes, anything! But you can't just repeat the whole thing ad nauseum and call it art. Even repeated brush strokes are slightly different.
That's pretty much it! As for it being sad....well it's about the world and the conformity that the media causes. so ya........
I like the idea (even though it is sad). You did a good job writing the first paragraph. I like your word choice such as: jeers, beckons (really like this one), no more, ect.
When I read this I couldn't find a pattern so I was wondering is there one? Or is the pattern how you repeat this:
Master calls me forward
I feel something
Deep within
A fire
A deep craving
I want to end this
the pattern?
Thank you sooooooooooo! Much, I am glad that you did have some criticing. Then I can make it better! But seriously, thanx!
Hey, I like this idea. It really works. I think that if you were to change a few things though, it could read more smoothly. For enstance, when you wrote:
Master calls me forward
I feel something
Deep within
A fire
A deep craving
I want to end this
I like what your saying, but I think it would flow better if you put: 'I want this to end.' (That way Deep Within, and I want this to end would rhyme)
Also, in the next paragraph, I was really confused. I didn't understand what you were trying to say. I think it was just too choppy.
I give up
As I am introduced
The circus clown
It has to stop
I tug nice and determined
The first tug hurts
I don't mean to Critique you to hardly. This is deffently a positive review. The most importaint thing when your writing poetry is to be true and authentic, and I feel like were.