UPDATE: I have just updated this poem big time....hopefully it's better. I tried my hardest as I really love this one. I removed one of the corus lines and added a verse to brighten it up a bit.
She hides under her "Emo" face
Says she doesn't need saving grace
Says she is content
living a life in a pit
but everytimes she tells this truth
Her hearts says it's a lie
All day she sits
In her little pit
Wanting to fly
But not knowing how
What is happiness?
She doesn't know
She is reaping what she sews
Time and time again
Her friends ask
If she's really happy as she is
Everytime it's the same
She continues with her little game
She doesn't need saving grace
All day she sits
In her little pit
Wanting to fly
But not knowing how
What is happiness?
She doesn't know
She is reaping what she sows
Tears fall like summer rain
Nothing is the same
Her acts of sarrow
Threaten to drown her
Her cuts are too deep
She needs saving grace
She needs freed from this place
Searching for hope
She finds it in a book
A promise
Never will I leave or forsake you
Could this be true?
Someone was waiting for her?
Someone loves her?
No longer will she sit in her little pit
She will Fly
Soar in the skys
She knows happiness
She is reaping what she sows
Searching for hope
She found it in a book
A promise
Never will I leave or Forsake you
this is true
Now she is free
Being all she can be
The black gave way to pink
Her grades came up
She smiles and laughs
Her moods have passed
The promise made for her
Is the same for you
Someone loves you
UPDATE: I have just updated this poem big time....hopefully it's better. I tried my hardest as I really love this one. I removed one of the corus lines and added a verse to brighten it up a bit.
Incandescence wrote:Krystalstars,
You're showing very little, if any, progress with your writing.
You continue to rely on gimmicks. As an example, the short lines in S4 don't merit the attention you propose for them. Your short strophes become irritants by the time the poem ends.
The work continues to be unfocused and largely prosaic. S7 is an example of this.
I'd advise you to continue or established a reading program.
All the best,
Brad
BFG wrote:A little too blatantly religious for me, but then again I'm an aetheist, so what do I know. Still, religious poems have a tendency to say the same thing - God loves you, and when you love God, good things happen. The thing is, I could write the same poem by saying "when you learn to love yourself, you will have love always, and it will make you happy". But maybe that's the point. Whatever.
Anyway, since it is a religious poem, I thought maybe more emphasis could be on her transformation, on specific details on the way she changed. Did she carry herself differently? Did she do better at school? Were her nails painted black before and are they now purple with yellow dots? More concrete details would make it easier for my less-than-religious mind to find some meaning to the poem. It would also make it more real, more believable. It was too perfect, too plastic to affect my life. Oh, and take out all the repetitions of the chorus - that is sooo annoying to read. Even in songs the chorus doesn't usually get repeated after every verse, and even if they do, they're songs - they're allowed to. If this is a song, maybe you could just take out two of the repetitions in its written form.
Other than that... just curious, why is "Forsake" capitalized? (Probably a stupid question, sorry about that, I can be quite ignorant at times.)
Keep writing. I've noticed you write a lot of longer poems - have you ever tried confining yourself to a haiku or another shorter poem, just as an exercise? I'm not saying your long poems are bad or anything, just a suggestion I think might help your writing.
Hope that's been of some help!
~Sophie
Krystalstars,
You're showing very little, if any, progress with your writing.
You continue to rely on gimmicks. As an example, the short lines in S4 don't merit the attention you propose for them. Your short strophes become irritants by the time the poem ends.
The work continues to be unfocused and largely prosaic. S7 is an example of this.
I'd advise you to continue or established a reading program.
All the best,
Brad
A little too blatantly religious for me, but then again I'm an aetheist, so what do I know. Still, religious poems have a tendency to say the same thing - God loves you, and when you love God, good things happen. The thing is, I could write the same poem by saying "when you learn to love yourself, you will have love always, and it will make you happy". But maybe that's the point. Whatever.
Anyway, since it is a religious poem, I thought maybe more emphasis could be on her transformation, on specific details on the way she changed. Did she carry herself differently? Did she do better at school? Were her nails painted black before and are they now purple with yellow dots? More concrete details would make it easier for my less-than-religious mind to find some meaning to the poem. It would also make it more real, more believable. It was too perfect, too plastic to affect my life. Oh, and take out all the repetitions of the chorus - that is sooo annoying to read. Even in songs the chorus doesn't usually get repeated after every verse, and even if they do, they're songs - they're allowed to. If this is a song, maybe you could just take out two of the repetitions in its written form.
Other than that... just curious, why is "Forsake" capitalized? (Probably a stupid question, sorry about that, I can be quite ignorant at times.)
Keep writing. I've noticed you write a lot of longer poems - have you ever tried confining yourself to a haiku or another shorter poem, just as an exercise? I'm not saying your long poems are bad or anything, just a suggestion I think might help your writing.
Hope that's been of some help!
~Sophie
magiclukehutch wrote:Krystalstars wrote:magiclukehutch wrote:Very romantic, but what does this mean?:She hides under her Emo face
Her sadness, as Emo usaly means depressed.
I didn't know that! It's true what they say, you do learn something new everyday.
author13 wrote:that was cool, a little depressing but most serious good poems r either good or depressing, and i have just one question what kind of book did she find?
magiclukehutch wrote:One more thing, you don't use rare adjectives in poems. It ruins it and confuses the reader.
I didn't really read over the whole thing, gave the usual depressed teen cliche outlook, but I did like it for some reason. I could feel myself relating a little bit...But otherwise it was the usual. Depression. All that jazz.
anyway, punctuate! Poetry & Punctuation. Poetry should always (well....no, but if you read the article there you'll see what I mean) be punctuated. The article will hopefully help you out.
I don't have much to say, sorry! I'm not help today.
One more thing, you don't use rare adjectives in poems. It ruins it and confuses the reader.
This poem didn't bring anything new to the table. It's rather flat, a little too straightforward, a little too broad. Most of the phrases in here are things we've all heard before; why not make them something new? Something the reader will read and say, "Yes!"
She hides under her Emo face
All day she sits
In her little pit
Wanting to fly
But not knowing how
What is happiness?
She doesn't know
She is reaping what she sews
She needs freed from this place
that was cool, a little depressing but most serious good poems r either good or depressing, and i have just one question what kind of book did she find?
Krystalstars wrote:magiclukehutch wrote:Very romantic, but what does this mean?:She hides under her Emo face
Her sadness, as Emo usaly means depressed.
magiclukehutch wrote:Very romantic, but what does this mean?:She hides under her Emo face
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