Jezz shivered as the cold January wind bit through her blanket. The fire provided little warmth for those who sat in the shadows. She hadn’t been able to sleep so she had grabbed her blanket and gone for a walk, only to return even more awake then before and half frozen. With a sigh she stepped over a lump that was a member of her band to move closer to the fire. As she settled down her worrying thoughts drifted back to her, she was the head of a group of bandits so when money got low the pressure was on. Her band was made up of mostly runaways and orphans who robbed houses and travelers, although she stayed away from the elderly and children and had never once hurt anyone. The pressure to rob was huge now, Jezz had made a good call a few days ago and made the mistake of spending it all too soon then moving too far from a village. Now they were three days away from Myra and completely broke with no food. On Jezz’s right Vape gave a loud snort. Jezz rolled her eyes and smiled at his face. It looked like someone had stuck a fowl smelling sock under his nose….
Vape was Jezz’s right hand man. He and his brother, Ramoth, had runaway from their orphanage as children and found work in the shipping yards. But when that didn’t work out they ran from that, that was were Jezz came in. Vape was a lot more free spirited than his brother, often braking into song and looking at the brighter side of life. Ramoth was the serious one, he and Jezz didn’t get along very well. Often times fighting until someone had to take a walk. Usually it was Ramoth. Just yesterday they were riding and everyone was quietly mopping when all of a sudden Vape broke into a rousing chorus of “we are the bandits! Mighty, mighty bandits!”
He had even gotten his horse to move so that it looked like it was dancing. But the funniest thing about him was how different he was to his brother, but how much they looked alike. They both had wavy black hair, although Vape’s had a small pony tail. They also shared a long face with dark eyebrows and brown eyes but Ramoth’s face was usually pretty scruffy whereas Vape kept his clean shaven, except for the tuft of black hair on his chin.
With another sigh Jezz went over to her sleeping bag and lay back to look up at the sky. Three more days and they would be home free…………..
Once I get some feedback, I'll post more!
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: This is a nice little story. Not a lot happens but it certainly sounds like something that I would have continued to read should you have published more of it. The characters seem to have their own personalities although the way you convey them is a bit too much just straight up narrating to our faces rather than subtly indicating this through something like a conversation. The setting was also easy to understand.
Anyway let's get right to it,
This is a great opening paragraph especially that first half but its a bit too long to be an opening paragraph. Its just a big ol' chunk o' text and that's just not very helpful when you are starting something off. And there appears to be around two ideas in this paragraph so splitting this in half somewhere around the point where Jezz says she returned from her walk is a good place to turn this into two separate paragraphs that will make this a much better opening paragraph.
Vape better not be singing that song every time they are performing a robbery. That would be hilarious but also a really bad technique for robbing someplace.
Points for the irony.
Pretty good choice of an end point there. Builds a nice bit of anticipation and makes you want to read more of it.
Aaand that's it for this one...a farily short review for a fairly short piece.
Overall: This was a pretty neat little story. I felt like there was maybe a little too much narration but besides that the writing flowed really well, it was easy to read and imagine the characters that you talked off. It was paced pretty well and it was a fun little story to read.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Thanks!
Okay. It was....alright. Could be improved though. Spelling errors for one, and paragraphs are a good thing, trust me on this. ^_^
Oh, and double space your para's like I have here? makes it easier to read. The first paragraph, break it into three please...just a suggestion, but you jump around in the topic, it would be more logical if there was a separate paragraph for each 'topic'.
That's about all hon.
tata mwa!
I shall!
Excellent Job ,Stars. reccomend you post more though.
Alanna formerly of Alderaan