The Dimension Walls Prologue

I don't know about this story... I had NO idea what was happening and uh a little bit more of character development could have been needed. Try making it flow more... like a lot more. And to the person below me, I whole heartedly agree with you about the paragraph thing. It was just one huge paragraph, which made it a little more than hard to read... And I understand that this is fanfiction...what book would this be?

Hey!

So for starters, first thing I noticed here is how your whole entire piece is just one, huge paragraph. For me, I like to see works organized into paragraphs so as a reader it was really hard for me to read the whole thing. However, good idea, good imagination and creativity, you have something going good here. There are some grammatical errors here, but as authors we're not perfect. Your description is very casual so it's easy to read, however to easy to read. Try to use punctuation more, but that also leads to the grammar errors. Good job though, I'm not here to discourage you, so keep going with this idea/story and hopefully you'll progress!

-Marrissa

Hallo!

So, you certainly have an interesting story here, and it has the potential to be a really intriguing novel. A few suggestions:

Firstly, formatting. It's very hard for a reader to read something that's all bunched up in one paragraph; it's a lot more helpful if you break it up into paragraphs and a lot easier to read and understand. And you should always start a new paragraph before dialogue.

Second, pacing. The story needs to be slowed way down. You jump from thing to thing really quickly without leaving any time for anything to sink in. You also don't really have much description, just one thing happening after another. In order for readers to understand what is going on and enjoy the story, everything needs to happen a lot slower. Spend more time on each thing that's happening, describe the scene around the character, and stuff like that. In order for the reader to put themselves in the character's place, see through the character's eyes, imagine that they are living through these events, you have to vividly describe the world around them, using as many senses as you can. That's how readers enjoy stories, and they can't do that if it's as rushed as you have it.

Third, character. A good way to hook readers is through a unique character who catches their attention. So far there is very little of the character shown. I would suggest adding in more thoughts of the character, showing more of the character's personality. Readers want a character they can connect with, and an interesting personality is key to making the reader want to read on.

So, all in all, the story has a lot of potential. The plot is interesting and caught my attention, and if the story is slowed down, more description is added, and more of the character's personality is shown, this will be a really good start to a novel.

-Wherethewindgoes

Hello and welcome to YWS!

I was walking home and looked across the street to make sure there was a clearing to cross the road.

The carridges kicked up so much dust it was hard to tell if I would make it across but I walked to the other side and bumped into something, I looked up to apoligize and saw a few old friends starting me in the eyes.

The carriages kicked up so much dust it was hard to tell if I would make it across. I walked to the other side and bumped into something. I looked up to apologize and saw a few old friends staring me in the eyes.

My mouth hung wide open as I stared at the ponies from the TV show I used to watch. embaressed I apoligized sheepishly and me and twilight started to get things straight. Before she began I noticed a pair of wings on her back. I asked her what they were, and she explained what was going on in Ponyville. Still not satisfied I explained that I ment her wings. Turns out she was a princess!

Wow whe I left Twilight and the other ponies in the back of my mind she had no wings and had just freaked out because she turned something in late. After a while of catching up I told her that I had a thoeory and turns out she had the same one. She called it The Dimension Theory. I called it Theory #61, we all headed to my house and my jeweled dagger rattled in my bag, I tooched it. Cold as stone that hasnt been touched in years. It had our coat-of-arms on it and was hidden saftely and sheathed.

"Damn it why didnt you come to me sooner!" I damanded, "we didnt come here on perpuse silly." Answered Pinkie Pie. We were almost home by the time everything was clear as a crystal pony. "Sugarcube Twilight acidentaly sent us here when we were trying to teleport to Canterlot to tell the princess. We ended up here and soon we bumped into you." AppleJack finished clearing up the matter. The sun was just finishing setting and supper was on the smooth wooden table. We all drank our fill and ate our supper as we ate I told my parents about Theory #61.

When I got up and washed the dishes for Supper and was about to head to bed when Mom kept calling my name. I walk to the table were she sat dumbfounded looking from side to side. "Mom Im right in front of you." I say standing with my face right in front of hers. "Sweety speak up I cant hear you," my mother requested. So I talked louder but soon realized the mistake I had made so I told Dad to convey to Mom to believe in me. I guess it worked cause she got a little glint in her eyes after opening them.

We embraced and I headed up the stairs to my bedchamber. I started to pack my black messangerbag and place my dagger back in its glass frame on my wall and realized that I might need it took it back down and placed it inbetween were the food rations would be and were the map was stored. I lied on my bed with my face in the pillow crying slightly to myself I was so happy I was gonna save the world yet I was sad for my mother who had just experienced, it was probably so scary to be blind to one person for a matter of time. I pulled my laptop off of the floor and onto my lap.I pull up skype and call Jack. We skype for a while and then I tell him about the Dimension Walls. Soon Im done with the whole story, and I can see the future. I see a jawdrop emote ah there it is. I log off and rest my back on the two pillows on my bed still wet from tears. "Ill finish packing tommorow," I whisper.