This running has got me down.
I’m sweating, chest on fire.
Waiting for yet another wave,
To hit me and send me crashing,
Straight back to square one.
This terror engulfs me.
As my own breathing stops,
My body leaving me to dance,
Straight on the ceiling.
Father do you hear me running.
The ragged gasps coming from my throat?
Wave four comes down hard.
This one has me pinned
Between a life and a body.
One drowning, the other dancing on the ceiling.
I must survive, if only because,
There is nothing else I can do.
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I liked this poem, its hard to reach a vagueness, but still have reality. And, yes, I have had a vivid nightmare. quite frequently, actually. Keep writing poetry,
~MV
“Waiting for yet another wave,
To hit me and send me crashing,
Straight back to square one.”
I don’t think you need the commas here. I think it would work just as well without.
“This terror engulfs me.”
While you have been talking about the wave and the crashing, we’re not sure here if that’s what you’re talking about, perhaps try altering the line so that we know, “the terror of it engulfs me”? just a suggestion.
“As my own breathing stops,
My body leaving me to dance,
Straight on the ceiling.“
This makes sense, but not completely… perhaps “to” instead of “on” the ceiling.
“Father do you hear me running.
The ragged gasps coming from my throat?”
What has the father to do with anything? You’ve left this in here, but don’t refer to him again, it’s a distraction from the rest of the poem. Either take it out, or add something in the last line.
“This one has me pinned
Between a life and a body.
One drowning, the other dancing on the ceiling.“
Use a semi colon here, I think. Make the drowning line part of the body line.
“I must survive, if only because,
There is nothing else I can do.”
No comma here, the ‘because” is a connecting word, the comma just gets in the way.
In the end, I like this. It’s a little quirky, but not heaps, I think you could look at your punctuation and intended meaning a little more and go off that.
Nice work.
*Hearts* Le Penguin.
For a guy who said poetry isn't his thing, your pretty good at it...
this one is really good.
I too, like the imagnation (My body leaving me to dance, straight on the ceiling.)
Its a good piece and I like it.
this is a great piece i mean it had great emotion, i used to write really vague poems and it was until recently that i started writing actually and this even in its dreamlike state is a great blend of the two so i have a lot of respect for this piece
Thanks for the critiquing. Most of my stuff is in the Other Fiction part...
Oooooh....I like the imagery in this! Especially the dancing on the ceiling. That image is really original, in my opinion. Now, for the critique:
This line seemed a bit awkward, if not confusing. I understand what your trying to say after some thought, but you might want to clarify it.
I'd take out the comma after "because;" it might help these last two lines flow better.
I'd put a question mark here, but maybe that's just me.
Finally, I'd change the periods in the first two lines of the poem to commas or semicolons; the periods make the line too abrupt, and interferes with the flow of the poem at the very beginning.
This is a nice piece! Your description is great. I can't wait to read more of your work!