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Young Writers Society



The Swine Giveth, The Swine Taketh Away

by Krupp


This is poem # 2 for my lyrical poetry challenge that I designed for myself. This time, the song is called "Destroying Angels" by the doom-jazz band Bohren & Der Club of Gore. I highly reccommend checking these guys out: They're the perfect noir band.

Here's the song: http://www.last.fm/music/Bohren%2B%2526 ... ing+Angels

sorry it's only a 30 second preview clip, but it's still a great song. Just buy it off of Itunes. And now on to the poem:

Gently, dear, let us proceed,
down this hallway, dancing so slowly,
the music crammed in our heads.
As the rain falls outside, tapping softly
on the window panes, some secret message
that will go unheeded in the darkened night.
Not like I’m one to pay attention, as it were,
to any of the details that show up around me.

Let us sit down on the soft leather couch,
talk of subjects that matter very little,
and stall for a while longer, letting the anticipation
linger like a cruel demon, taunting so sweetly,
it stings the lust, whipping us into action.
But we still wait, as if for some miraculous sign,
as if we’re afraid that what we do is forbidden.
But loving you doesn’t seem to be a sin, in my eyes.

We don’t have much longer now, love,
I hear footsteps in hallway, beyond the door.
You pause, fear alight in your soft eyes,
and yet I can feel a smile tighten on my lips
as we await our judgment at the hands of
a broken man with little else in his life.
Why do you tremble so, my lovely lass?
It didn’t take much for me to twist you, did it?


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701 Reviews


Points: 10087
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Fri May 01, 2009 8:09 am
bubblewrapped wrote a review...



The only thing I can see that is a problem here is a minor over-use of punctuation, which is easily cleared up XD Otherwise, this is a lovely piece - I particularly like the way the poem strings the reader along the same way the poet strings along the woman in the poem. There's some excellent imagery in there as well. Nice :)

Tidy up your punctuation a bit to smooth out the flow and you'll have a great piece here. Kudos! I'll look forward to reading more of your work.

Cheers,
~bubbles




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Points: 1046
Reviews: 9

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Thu Apr 30, 2009 8:14 pm
JiRuiHe wrote a review...



In line 5, you don't need a comma after "panes". If you wish to keep the comma, then you must omit the "that" in line 6 to make the sentence grammatically correct. I understand that it's annoying for me to point to petty errors in a poem that is so well written, but I'm simply trying to help! I wouldn't want the reader to miss out on the neat description of rain due to some silly confusion in sentence structure. Best of luck, and keep up the good work!





sweet mother of asparagus
— GengarIsBestBoy