It would be simpler for me,
if you would pretend you couldn’t listen.
See I’ve lost track of these things
of where the X once marked the spot.
Simply put,
it wasn’t as grand as I’d imagined.
I remember things as they once were,
but that never really brings them back.
Former glories are lost in the communication.
Lost somewhere between our goals
and our ambitions.
I could lie, you see,
so that you’d be happy
and you’d never know what happened.
What we’ve done to ourselves
and what’s been done to everything else.
So don’t cry, my little angel.
See, I can make things better again.
Throw out the photographs,
it’s like a blurry dream.
Once awakened, never seen again.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,855 Reviews
I think it's really good.
well i agree with the imagery comment but i think that the language was great and unlike what was said i did love it and identify with it, it just doesn't have that spark of life. I don't mean to over step my bounds here but what about something like, elaborating on the x part, maybe a metaphor at the heart in there i don,t really know i am just speculating...
I understand what you're saying in this piece, but honestly, it doesn't interest me. It never captured my attention.
To make it more interesting, I'd suggest adding figurative language and imagery. Many poets say that poetry isn't poetry without imagery, and there is very little in this piece.
PM me if you have any questions or whatnot. Keep writing!
River
You express yourself well, I like the theme, and the last stanza is great. At times, I think you were a bit too wordy-you just didn't need all the words! I'd try;
"It would be simpler for me,
if you'd pretend you couldn’t listen.
[s]See [/s]I’ve lost track of these things
of where the X once marked the spot. (I'd put "of" on the previous line)
Simply put,
it wasn’t as grand as I’[s]d [/s]imagined.
I remember things as they [s]once [/s]were,
but that never [s]really[/s] brings them back.
Former glories are lost in the communication.
Lost somewhere between our goals
and our ambitions.
I could lie, you see,
so that you’d be happy
and you’d never know what happened.
What we’ve done to ourselves
and what’s been done to everything else.
So don’t cry, my l[s]ittle [/s]angel.
[s]See,[/s] I can make things [s]better[/s] good again.
Throw out the photographs,
it’s like a blurry dream.
Once awakened, never seen again."
I think some of the rhythm is a little jerky. Maybe try reading it aloud so you can get a better sense of how it should sound. Hope this helps.
Jas