Published April 29, 2008
I’m digging me a trench
So that I can hide.
What cannot touch me,
Is what was never here in the first place
And I listen as I work
For the prayers unsaid
The silence a golden opportunity
To whisper my own reconciliations.
All of this right before I feel you calling me,
Pulling me back into oblivion.
But I can wait;
wait very patiently
for the unveiling
that binds us here
because that’s our game.
Just as soon as I remember it,
It will be gone.
Like everything else that has come by me
I’ve inscribed it on my tongue.
And then washed it away with the dirty water
That you’ve poured over me.
Not that I don’t enjoy your attention,
But I must wait
For a better time comes
Soaring on wings to take me away.
So what must we become?
Are we to put aside our game,
or are we to respond to the fame
that comes with our shame?
You know that you can’t have me,
and yet here I am.
But are we not all tools,
of someone else, as it is?
I’ve forgotten once again,
What it means to be human.
So I wait.
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141,299 Literary Works • 674,334 Reviews
For me, this was kind of confusing. But maybe it's just me - I haven't read very much poetry.
I liked the triple rhyme game-fame-shame, why have you used it only there?
But keep writing, and remember - you alone know how you want to express your thoughts. If you don't agree with the reviewer, don't do the changes he or she suggests.
Kindly,
Demeter
You had some cool images, but your rhythm was all over the place and it ruined the piece. You use mostly short words, but then you throw in "opportunity" and "reconciliation". Plus your lines aren't even remotely similar syllable-wise, which works if you do it right but it wasn't working for me. Also, I don't understand your rhyme scheme. Sometimes you rhyme, other times you don't. I'd just take the plunge and go completely free verse. It'll give you more freedom to pick better words and improve your rhythm.
I'll end with something positive: I liked your third and fifth stanzas. Just clean up your rhythm and this could be great. Keep writing!