Published August 17, 2008
Another situational topic...the one I"d previously described in my other piece like this. The situation of being hit by a car...
It all was slow.
Or was it so fast that,
I never had time to even properly notice
the woman on the sidewalk screaming “Look out!”
as two thousand pounds of metal struck me.
I touched the sky, feeling nothing,
not the gentle breeze that had been stirring,
nor the shock to my system, also screaming,
scrambling to recover all my senses as I hit the ground.
…
Was it all too slow to comprehend?
Or was it so fast that I hardly experienced it at all?
Six months of pondering, and yet I still am clueless.
Legs broken, disks slipped into my spinal cord,
not to mention as well my elbow had dislocated
when I had hit the ground. Or was it before? (these memories pound me.)
I cannot remember that treacherous night.
You’d think I’d consider myself a lucky man to even be alive.
But I don’t. I don’t even remember what happened exactly,
If it was his fault for being drunk during Halloween night,
or if the fault was mine, because I didn’t bother looking either way,
as I crossed the street.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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141,497 Literary Works • 674,544 Reviews
Gackkkkk....
INFODUMP!
Sorry. Just had to blurt it out.
Well, I have to disagree with Dear Mr. Bear on a few things here. Don't get offended though: my critique WILL be harsh, but it is only to help you, darling.
Overall, this has tons of potential. Evidently, that potential was not used up too wisely.
Let me observe and comment on it line-by-line. You're going to notice that the major issue here is that you're straight-out-telling us what happened, without showing us.
It all was slow.
Or was it so fast that,
ummm. I'd combine into one sentence.
I never had time to even properly notice
the woman on the sidewalk screaming “Look out!”
I'd rather you get rid of that first line and show the second line for longer rather than tell it.
I'm too tired to continue.
Poop.
Well, what I suggest you do is go line-by-line, like I had, and condense everything into a poem half the original size. That's step number one, and it's bound to help you show not tell. If you want to make it even better, you need to add a poetic device on every single line without increasing the poem's size. Difficult, huh? But it works every time.
Once you do that, PLEASE PM ME! I really want to read and comment on the revised version of this poem. Like, I REALLY REALLY want to.
-Gadi. Hope I haven't ruined your day!
This is a really good poem. Seriously. It's original too.
You had a few grammar mistakes that glare. Seriously. XD
You don't need the comma on the first line.
I would italicize "Look out!". Just because.
I loved these two lines. They were perfectly said. Not to fluffy either. I don't like fluffy poems.
You don't need either of these two commas.
Good job. I don't have anything to complain about. Seriously. I feel so lame right now. Well, there is one thing. This doesn't sound like a poem. It sounds like a little prose section out of a book. I really don't know what advice to give you per se, but I just thought I'd point that out.
Good job.
-Jared