Johnny Boy Ain't Too Smart

You have a really good idea (I love poems with this kind of moral), but I just don't think you did much with it. This poem should be like a story, almost a ballad, longer, with more details. The rhyme scheme you had going on was kind of iffy,
like when you said:

Had his name set in stone
Never knew the powers above
And he tried to conquer the unknown

I thought the 'stone, unknown' part was kind of ruining the rhyme. Try to keep it so the sylables match. Work on it a little more, add details, and pay attention to the rhyme scheme, I think it'll turn out good!

jenni

I have to be honest, I completely forgot to punctuate anything...but comments are appreciated nonetheless. Thank you all.

This is good...definitely agree it could be a song, by The Clash or something,ha.

But yeah I like it, I don't agree that you should think about changing it. Subject matter's good, makes a change from all the love poems there seem to be around here...

It's a bit punk.. I like that.. X

i like it. It had a good style, and it's interesting. However, if you are interested in making some changes, i have some suggestions. (if not look away now!:))
ok, so maybe think about the rhyming/rhythm that you've got going on here. If it's going to be a regulated rhyme, i think you need to be careful about the rhythm. It would need to be really straight.
However, i don't think this poem would sit well with that kind of rhythm. So, instead, maybe think about taking out some of the rhymes, messing about, but try to make the rhythm a little more even. for example...

It wasn’t just the drugs, or even the booze

consider changing to...

It wasn't just drugs, or even the booze.
I don't know, it just seems that the 'the' before drugs stutters the poem.
another example...

And found he could only go so far
When he’s drunk, driving in his car

i've made a couple of changes to tense and pronouns and stuff, but it might not make that much of a difference. I changed A to HIS before car, because, obviously, he would be drink-driving in a car. It just seemed to make more sense if you said that it was HIS car.

His mama must’ve been proud

Her kid had clout;

But he lost it all when he decided to mess about

with this bit, I think that, as you've already dropped the rhyme on the line about his mama being proud, you don't need to struggle with rhyming to 'he kid had clout.' that line is one of the best lines. It's really great. I think that the rhyme after it detracts from it. Maybe consider changing it to something like...

His mama must’ve been proud

Her kid had clout;

But then he lost it, when he messed about.

can you see what i mean?

i hope i've helped a little. i really think this is a poem with potential.
best of luck with later work..
from charlie.

I agree, this could be a good poem, but right now it's all over the place and there isn't any punctuation at all. Maybe a tad bit more work, creating more of an image for the reader.
-Buggs

You have an interesting premise, but no substance. Also, no punctuation. Currently the poem just seems to wander through cliches, and I honestly think it would make a better song (as currently written) than a poetic piece.

There are some images that have potential, though. I like the idea of a connection between the blues and the devil - perhaps you could expand on this. Your rhyming is all over the place, so you might be better converting this wholly into free verse. And a few literary devices (metaphors, similies, etc.) wouldn't go amiss either

Basically, this seems like the shell of a poem, but it's a good place to start. Try exploring who Johnny is, what it's like to be him, why he is this way, what happens to him, and so on. You want to get the reader engaged, and right now I'm just not feeling it.

Hope that helps.

Cheers,
~bubbles