Published January 16, 2009
I have seen a thousand days
Go by without a whisper.
Taken down from my stand,
I find myself down for the count.
The skies turn dark and the rain is cast down-
The air is cold and the pellets bitter bullets-
Thumping me as I crawl in a shattered body.
Look up, see something I’ve never seen before-
As a light parts the clouds of rain and scatters it
My eye captured by this single, golden essence,
Hanging in the air as a sphere of pure form.
A figure within the sphere beckons with a finger,
And my eyes are burned with the sight,
As the rain ceases, my body now consumed in flames.
They grip me in their embrace,
They lift me up, carrying me on,
My body and my will both dead.
Let them remain dead; I need them no more.
For my body is no longer my own,
Seized by hands of greater strength than I’ll ever know,
There is no need to fear the rain ever again.
May the flames take me, bring me towards your sphere,
And never let go.
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141,380 Literary Works • 674,385 Reviews
Krupp- I think we all have our own opinions. And guitargrl does have brainpower. So no saying she doesn't. Besides, what is clear to one person may not be clear to another. To me (I'm not very religious), but when it says dead, and the title says 'going home' you're saying that you're going back to Heaven, right? (This is probably what I get for sleeping over with some very religious people last night).
I dunno....
A lot of your lines are too wordy. It makes the poetry flow less and sound less majestic. I suggest shortening them, getting to the point. It'll sound much better. I think Arri said about everything else.
Tah!
~MV
It's either that, or maybe you should try using a little more brainpower, no offense. The titles to my stuff are always relevant. You just have to read the lines a little more carefully and you will realize that.
Good Sir,
I've found myself reading poetry a lot. I'll have to make an attempt at it soon! But I apologize if this seems over analyzed or anything but I really liked this a lot.
This is a pretty strong opening here. I mean even if you took out the "thousand" and just wrote it as, "I have seen days" or something it would still grab me. I'm curious as to what and why right off of the bat. Great way to start. The second line is really the bread and butter of your entire set up.
Now here, before I even go on to the rest, I wondered if I should or not read the rest of the poem literally, metaphorically, religiously or what. Not to say you should point it out, I'm just saying you use the words very well to make me wonder about everything that could possibly cause the kind of sensation. Anything can catch your eye but how often is it a single golden essence you know?
The first thing that comes to my mind when reading this, what's with the use of sphere? It kind of leads me to believe it's a place. But then when I think place I think a kind of mindset so much and not actually a physical plane of existence you know? And then I wonder if what's beckoning you is a part of yourself or part of the thing that's actually caught your attention. I'm wondering HOW exactly you are ending up in this destination. Whether it be physical or not.
This is just beautiful awesomeness. I'm not 100% sure or not if you were trying to create a rebirth image in the first two lines or not (Which I suppose occurs regardless?) And you come back back here and the same question arises again as to what or who exactly are they, this sphere, these things beckoning with their fingers. Regardless, it's apparent that they instill either A) Some kind of purpose or blind faith in your life OR B) They literally place you in a world derived of something much greater than thought and action (Perhaps a place driven by feelings?)
It makes me wonder whether or not you have given up yourself or you feel as though you were taken and replaced with something much better. It comes back to the fire too. Leads me to believe this rain drowns out your passion, or desire. The things that make you individual here.
I love your concepts here. The sphere stands out even though it's this rather simple shape. My head is surrounded by this idea of the sphere being a place you can't go on your own. Everyone has a sphere or is there only one? Can you not go into another sphere on your own? By sphere to mean becoming some kind of whole entity? You could easily say that whatever this is has dragged you into something more whole.
Regardless of how you take it this is sorrowful, inspiring, depressing, insightful, and surely something that should be showed to everyone who likes to read poetry. Reminds me of the kinds of music where you feel like the flow of emotion through the entire thing and it hits you with a kind of realism. The real beauty of this though is that you went beyond an action, and you went beyond a thought, and you went beyond something that occurs in all of us. And you took us through a journey of exactly how it works.
This could have been written about a girl you love or about writing itself. I'm curious as to what though, PM me with some answers perhaps? Thank you for writing Good Sir, and thank you for posting here. Much appreciated and I'm looking forward to more of your work.
Edit-- Haha I didn't even read the title of this. You have an awesome title for this thing, kudos to the brilliance of that.
you dont need to capitalize the beginning of every line, it make the writing look messy. also, maybe try thinking of a different title, the one you have doesn't really relate to the poem at all.