I was in a dark place when I wrote this, just thinking about something I'd read on here about 'perfection' and I had to write something. I rated this R for depressing subject matter. You've been warned.
This is my home, dark and wet,
the echoes of drips never ceasing, so empty;
as pointless as my thoughts.
The ground slimy, reeks of despair
My own flaws wafting straight through,
into my nose as a reminder of who I am
and what we, in the end, will always be defined as.
Quickly, I descend, back into the depths,
the dark calling to me, hailing me as
one of its children, long-lost,
But not forgotten. We never stray,
far beyond the void, our calling
Beckoning us deeper into our caves
revealing that we are worth nothing.
Or am I wrong?
What says the maker, who stands up above?
His words are blocked out by echoes and moans.
We find no comfort here, no solace,
and yet he somehow reaches down to us
pulling us into light, where we can be free.
This cave is my home, but it is my prison as well.
May he take us away, take us up,
make us so that we are no longer flawed.
Save us from our depths and cores of decay,
remind us what is worth living for,
and with that, we may yet be saved.
Though we cling to our insanity and lusts,
somehow, redemption is ours to find.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Being 20 had nothing to do with it, quite honeslty. I've been writing since the age of ten, so I've been able to slowly (very slowly) develop my writing in poetry and fiction over the years. I'm still not as good as I expect myself to be. I'm constantly having to improve and adapt myself as a storyteller. And in truth, i'm not much of a poetry person; sometimes I just have to get the rage out of my system though..
And another admittance: this is one of the few times I've not used as much imagery as I normally would; as I said above I was in a dark place. I wasn't thinking so much about the imagery of the cave so much as I was thinking about why humanity was in the cave in the first place. I had my head wrapped too far around the meaning, rather than the picture itself. That's something you'll find rare about my poetry, should I post another piece anytime soon.
Thanks to all who have read this poetry. I greatly appreciate it.
ARGH! I was reading the comments and like literally shouting at the screen for people to shut up about the imagery! Thish whole poem was full of imagery, what the HELL? And even if my definition of imagery is completely off, I don't even care because this was awesome. If your poem is this good without imagery, then yey! Imagery confuses my tiny little mind anyway.
There is nothing wrong with the capitialization. You capitalized the beginning of a phrase. Just like you are supposed to.
eek I loved this so much. SO much.
I just thought that this bit was uber uber powerful. It's so depressing but it's something that I can see in my head, and I was just feeling so sorry for the poor little guy in my mind who was sat on the floor sniffing the smell of how rubbish he is.
tiny, tiny little thing- you did already say echoes, and though it was a couple of verses ago I'm sure there's some other word you can put here. Screams. Sighs. I dunno.
I cannot express how much I love this poem. And I also love how it's not all depression- you have God in here, and how the narrator just wants to get away and be with God already...
Sigh.
I do love this poem.
When I'm twenty I might be able to do this!!! EXCITEMENT!!!!!
hmmm...
well done krupp!!
another lesson taught through poetry.
imagery was a little off, but you got the point across. it reminds of a specific section in one of my narrative poems (monotone dagger-scar3:slice2).
it's funny how literature, even when written about things that don't exist still stands to state true facts....
that's what I believe.
sorry if this wasn't the constructive type of review where I critisize the spacing between the letters and stuff, but I made it one of those reviews where state how I the work makes me feel.
this work makes me feel Reflective...curious and self-conscious...
I really feel you on this...
Hey there, Krupp
Right, I'm probably completely wrong when I say this, so excuse me if I am, but the ground slimy, I think it should either be, the ground comma slimy, or the slimy ground. Yeah, reads better and I think it's grammatically correct.I shall do overall comments at the end, just now let's move onto your poem. xD
Eeeek, methinks there's something wrong with your capitalization. You have capitalized some lines, and not capitalized others, you should remain consistent.
Flaws going into your nose? I suppose it does work. Just a little unusual. Different.
I like the last line.
Okay, I did enjoy this poem. It had good raw emotion. I think some imagery would help it.
imagery
You need to paint images in our minds. Make us see what is going on. Describe the sights, the sounds, the smells, the tastes and the textures, the latter and former only if relevant. You should use some figurative language to improve this poem. Similes, metaphors and such, would really make this poem. You need to paint the scenes. Make us feel what you want us to feel.
Your poem is great, add some imagery and it will be perfect.
The good thing about your poem:
Emotive Language
You need core emotion. Raw emotion that you are feeling, after all, to write poetry you need to feel something. Voice your opinions using emotive language.
Well done, you've done well, I shall come back and review more later, but just now I need some food
xoxo
~Kirsten
This is really good. I'm a beginner so I am not reliable. Well maybe I shouldn't put it that way but you never know. Anyways back to the review.
I like dark stuff. This really hit the spot. I like the description of it. That really helped me get into it which is hard to do.
The last two stanza things. What ever you like to call them. Sorry I told you I was bad at this. They are my favorite parts. Well that's it. I really liked it.