Hey.. Haven't been here in awhile.. been busy with school and work.. Anyways I recently started anew sotry but I can't seem to start off right.. I think it's missing something.. If anyone could give their opinions it would be great..
Damien Animus
Chapter One
Animus
Arereas wrapped himself tighter in his cloak as a cold breeze hit him. Leaves of gold and red fluttered to the ground all around him. Walking down a flagstone path he saw a figure sitting down by the pond.
“Hey! Damien!” he yelled at his brother jogging towards him. “I thought I would find you here, I didn’t see you in Chivalry class.”
“Ya, I decided to skip… It’s all rubbish anyways.” He said as he skipped a rock across the pond.
Arereas sat down next to Damien and leaned up against one of the many old Oak trees that surrounded the pond.
“Better not let Mom or Dad hear you say that, they would go crazy.”
Damien shrugged.
“Just because you’re a prince doesn’t mean you can do what you want, you’re going to fail if you don’t start coming to classes.”
“Ya, Well Dad would fix that wouldn’t he? Just like he has in the past…”
Arereas looked at Damien. His older brother had changed as of late. He no longer took his studies seriously, barely ever bothering to show up. Damien had not been particularly good at any of the classes at Gahnar, those being Chivalry, Healing, Church,
“I’m hungry, let go have lunch at the mess hall.” Said Arereas.
Damien nodded and they both stood up and started to walk back up to the path. Their red dark red cloaks whipped in the wind as they made their way up to the Main building where the Mess hall and Classrooms were.
©Nick Lunn 2005
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Not much information is given on here... Why?
Did you leave it so that you can continue in another piece? If so, then nevermind but if not, then maybe you should start by adding why he was the prince, and what were the reasons he skipped class/is not taking his studies seriously.
Also, on you last sentence, you used the word red twice and it sounds like it should be removed, one of the words that is, as the repitition spoils this ending line.
Goodness, that was a long post, M.B.
What is it missing?
Substance, detail, emotion.
This is a good skeleton of a story; however, I felt it was very rushed and only a skeleton. You have excellent description, but you do not take the time to develop the setting, or give the reader a feel for your characters. It seems to be all dialogue and only a skeleton. I am interested in where this story will go, but you need to spend more time on this short first chapter and make it worthwhile - don't rush it. Describe the character's actions in detail and be vivid. You need to give the piece substance, a meaning and significance in a characterization context, detail in regards to body language and setting and emotion in the sense that you need to convey the emotions of your characters to catch the reader.
Nice start here and keep writing. PM me if you have any questions.
It was good. Some spots were week, but other then that, it was good.
-- M.B.Author
My suggestions: Give us more information, and if you don't do it already, read more books with the type of seeting you're using.