Published September 16, 2012
This song inspired me to make this scene.
Please tell me what ya think or the song makes this scene better.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4L8dV6QOXVU
As I walk in the dark halls of my family's old mansion, I often thought this hallway was the...most haunting of them all. My gaze shifted from painting to painting of rather gruesome images. "Fairy Tales are more real than you imagine" my old man use to say. However these paintings seem to look like some of the stories I heard growing up. I felt a sense of dread when I looked upon one that had a Wolf covered in a bloody tethered robe, behind the wolf was a girl in a crimson stained dress with pieces of it missing.
That look in her eyes......I knew them somehow. Before I could get a closer look I heard foot steps behind me at the end of the hallway. I turned around and saw my family's butler. I smiled and waved at him. With a bow he began to question my whereabouts. Soon after I told him I needed to "get a breath of fresh air" He started scolding me for lying and said I was simply "Trying to avoid my guests". Quickly getting back in the main hall was not that great of a idea at first. My eyes needed to adjust to the bright lights and vibrant colors around the room. People around the main floor was dancing around to silly music. Not to mention silly clothes and masks that go with them. It was a Mask party if you haven't guessed by now. Except in my family traditions the clothes and masks you wore suited your personality. Girls with rabbit masks meant that they was hard to catch but they had a charming sense that almost made you "want" to chase them. Men who wore dog masks simply meant they was loyal, wanting a companion to be with.
Mine? I don't like such things, but the butler insisted I wore my mask. Telling me that I needed to find a girl and stop being a shadow beyond the sun.
If there was one girl that could help me with my "conditions". I would gladly take her. Unfortunately I have yet to find one.
Never did like these ballroom dances but I went done in the crowds anyways. But once I did, there was a strange girl. Hair that look as gold. Her eyes glowed a bright blue....so...beautifully crafted but so....hypnotic. The smile she gave was sweeter than a apple pie.
She saw me as she was dancing within the crowds of others. I couldn't stop staring, my heart beat started going faster. Why? why did she look so...tempting? I started making my way toward her.
To be continued.
Go ahead and tear the whole thing to pieces. haha
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139,521 Literary Works • 672,596 Reviews
Whoa. That was really creepy, but it was also one of the coolest things I have ever read. It's more of a short story then a script, though. The last two sentences really freaked me out. I think this is one of the stories that is gonna make me avoid framed pictures for a while. Thanks for the scare!!!!!!!!!
Thanks
I do have a better updated version of this somewhere on here. little more added to it. Did the music add to the scene?
Yeah. Definitely!!
Hello, brittany here to review.
Good job. I really liked it, you should write more and post it here.
I liked the mysterious feeling I had when I was reading the part where she was walking in the hall looking at photos on the wall.
Keep it up, you got definite potential.
Have a good night.
Happy writing!
Hey thanks for the review! I do plan on doing more somehow. Just amazes me that one song inspired me to write it up. And now another song I heard makes me want to continue.
Write.more.soon.
I think there's a bit grammar mistakes. Nice dance seen. It's better than whati would have
(still the zero?)
I liked it.
Written.let me give it a go*ahem* he saw her in the middle,doing the Egyptian. Their eyes lock and he walked up to her. A little dancey dancey and then after that everyone was dead. And Damn, that girl sure changed her dress fast it was red.
I have to say, this got my attention quite nicely, because...for anyone that knows me at all, they would know that I am completely obsessed with ballroom dancing. It is one of the most fun things ever. I am president of our school's ballroom dance club, and I want to compete sometime. Anyway, enough rambling. First off, I would like to say that I liked the interesting take on the cliche dance scene that you see in so many places. I mean, if you think about it, how often do you see/read about this type of thing? But you took this idea and turned it into something haunting. Good job with that.
Just a little side comment...this isn't really a script. I see that that's where you placed it upon posting your work, but it's really more of a short story. Not sure if you did that on purpose or not.
Now, let me just give a couple of small criticisms. One, there are a few grammatical mistakes. They aren't huge, and they don't ruin your writing or anything, but they definitely grabbed my attention. Just be careful.
The second thing is this, and it is totally going to sound like the worst backhand compliment ever, so I apologize. This has so much potential. So so much. That being said, I wish that you had expanded more on it. There is so much you can say about this character, the way she looks. Also, you can describe the surroundings a lot better. What does the room look like? What is everyone wearing? You say that everyone is dead....do they have any sort of sign of physical trauma? Keep in mind, when I say that, I don't necessarily need tons of blood and gore, but you can effectively describe something to make it more frightening and shocking. You have room for so much more detail, and it could make this story so much more powerful.
Another thing, and this is something that I probably tell everyone, but I find it incredibly important. Show, don't tell. Don't tell me how you felt, show me how you reacted to the girl staring at you. Did you jump, did your palms start sweating? See how you can get the idea of how someone is feeling based on their actions instead of just telling the reader what they're feeling? It can make for a better, more relatable story. (Yes, I know "relatable" technically isn't a word. Oh well, you know what I mean.)
All of that being said, I still really loved reading this. I had to read it a second time to really understand what had happened, I was so surprised. You also do a good job of...not exactly foreshadowing, I guess, but you give the reader a sense of uneasiness at the very beginning. It's good. Very nice.
I'd love to see more. Let me know if you have any questions. Please please please keep writing
~Devan
Thanks Devan. This was just something as test as I staged before.
However yes I know that I need to expand on a lot of things, but the whole point of
the tidbit is to see just how "uneasy" people get from reading it.
One can say our male lead was in trouble when their eyes met.
I do plan on doing more with this scene to fit the length of the song.
Thanks Devan. This was just something as test as I staged before.
However yes I know that I need to expand on a lot of things, but the whole point of
the tidbit is to see just how "uneasy" people get from reading it.
One can say our male lead was in trouble when their eyes met.
I do plan on doing more with this scene to fit the length of the song.
Ooh, your update was good. It added a lot to the characterization. However, your paragraph with the butler talking to the MC is a bit strange to me. Have him actually talk instead of telling us what he said, it would be much more interesting! Good job with your improvements, though.