Young Writers Society

Whoa. That was really creepy, but it was also one of the coolest things I have ever read. It's more of a short story then a script, though. The last two sentences really freaked me out. I think this is one of the stories that is gonna make me avoid framed pictures for a while. Thanks for the scare!!!!!!!!!

Hello, brittany here to review.
Good job. I really liked it, you should write more and post it here.
I liked the mysterious feeling I had when I was reading the part where she was walking in the hall looking at photos on the wall.
Keep it up, you got definite potential.
Have a good night.
Happy writing!

Write.more.soon.
I liked it. I think there's a bit grammar mistakes. Nice dance seen. It's better than whati would have
Written.let me give it a go*ahem* he saw her in the middle,doing the Egyptian. Their eyes lock and he walked up to her. A little dancey dancey and then after that everyone was dead. And Damn, that girl sure changed her dress fast it was red.



(still the zero?)

I have to say, this got my attention quite nicely, because...for anyone that knows me at all, they would know that I am completely obsessed with ballroom dancing. It is one of the most fun things ever. I am president of our school's ballroom dance club, and I want to compete sometime. Anyway, enough rambling. First off, I would like to say that I liked the interesting take on the cliche dance scene that you see in so many places. I mean, if you think about it, how often do you see/read about this type of thing? But you took this idea and turned it into something haunting. Good job with that.

Just a little side comment...this isn't really a script. I see that that's where you placed it upon posting your work, but it's really more of a short story. Not sure if you did that on purpose or not.

Now, let me just give a couple of small criticisms. One, there are a few grammatical mistakes. They aren't huge, and they don't ruin your writing or anything, but they definitely grabbed my attention. Just be careful.

The second thing is this, and it is totally going to sound like the worst backhand compliment ever, so I apologize. This has so much potential. So so much. That being said, I wish that you had expanded more on it. There is so much you can say about this character, the way she looks. Also, you can describe the surroundings a lot better. What does the room look like? What is everyone wearing? You say that everyone is dead....do they have any sort of sign of physical trauma? Keep in mind, when I say that, I don't necessarily need tons of blood and gore, but you can effectively describe something to make it more frightening and shocking. You have room for so much more detail, and it could make this story so much more powerful.

Another thing, and this is something that I probably tell everyone, but I find it incredibly important. Show, don't tell. Don't tell me how you felt, show me how you reacted to the girl staring at you. Did you jump, did your palms start sweating? See how you can get the idea of how someone is feeling based on their actions instead of just telling the reader what they're feeling? It can make for a better, more relatable story. (Yes, I know "relatable" technically isn't a word. Oh well, you know what I mean.)

All of that being said, I still really loved reading this. I had to read it a second time to really understand what had happened, I was so surprised. You also do a good job of...not exactly foreshadowing, I guess, but you give the reader a sense of uneasiness at the very beginning. It's good. Very nice.

I'd love to see more. Let me know if you have any questions. Please please please keep writing

~Devan