Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
As I walk in the dark halls of my family's old mansion, I often thought this hallway was the...most haunting of them all. My gaze shifted from painting to painting of rather gruesome images. "Fairy Tales are more real than you imagine" my old man use to say. However these paintings seem to look like some of the stories I heard growing up. I felt a sense of dread when I looked upon one that had a Wolf covered in a bloody tethered robe, behind the wolf was a girl in a crimson stained dress with pieces of it missing.
That look in her eyes...I knew them somehow. Before I could get a closer look I heard foot steps behind me at the end of the hallway. I turned around and saw my family's butler. I smiled and waved at him. With a bow he began to question my whereabouts. Soon after I told him that I needed to "get a breath of fresh air" He started scolding me for lying and said I was simply "Trying to avoid my guests".
Quickly getting back in the main hall was not that great of a idea at first. My eyes needed to adjust to the bright lights and vibrant colors around the room. People around the main floor was dancing around to silly music. Not to mention silly clothes and masks that go with them. It was a Mask party if you haven't guessed by now. Except in my family traditions the clothes and masks you wore suited your personality. Girls with rabbit masks meant that they was hard to catch but they had a charming sense that almost made you "want" to chase them. Men who wore dog masks simply meant they was loyal, wanting a companion to be with.
Mine? I don't like such things, but the butler insisted I wore my mask. As soon as he left I quickly placed the mask in my jacket. As he was walking off he told me that I needed to find a girl and stop being a shadow beyond the sun. If there was one girl that could help me with my "conditions". I would gladly take her. Unfortunately I have yet to find one.
Never did like these ballroom dances but I went done in the crowds anyways. But once I did, there was a strange girl. She didn't have a animal mask but a red mask that covered face. Hair that look as gold. Her eyes glowed a bright blue....so...beautifully crafted but so....hypnotic. The smile she gave was sweeter honey.
She saw me as she was dancing within the crowds of others. I couldn't stop staring, my heart beat started going faster. Why? why did she look so...tempting? I started making my way toward her.
With a nod of her head, I slowly made my way through the crowd. As I came closer to this girl my head started spinning, Everything became a blur except her. Her eyes almost had a venomous...no hypnotic stare. My senses started to dull as soon as I took her hand, we started to dance at a slow pace. I felt weak, but at the same time relived. I swore she was smiling more and more when we danced at a faster pace.
The wind breezed softly in from the windows and the moon beamed beautifully. However something strange was happening to me as I glanced at the moon. My chest starting hurting, my mind was turning rabid. Pain, rage, bloodlust..
Everyone around me had a look of shock and despair. My mind snap back into reality when I let go of her hand. The people around me they was dead. The guests started panicking when they saw the carnage I had caused. I heard a playful laughter from behind me. As I turn and looked at the girl that was covered in a crimson stained dress. "Red Waltz" she said with a low voice.
Feeling weak from the dance and the smell of blood around me I collapsed. Only thing I heard before I passed out was “I found you”. Pulling my mask out of my jacket and putting it on my face. “My little wolf”.
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,785 Reviews
I liked the eeriness in this story, particularly the ending. With the descriptions, I could picture the ballroom atmosphere. I also liked your descriptions of the girl. However there was one line that didn't seem to sit quite right; 'Hair that looks as gold'. It's worded as if it's meant to be followed with an analogy of some sort, otherwise you could take out the word 'as' or change it to 'like'. This piece had a real sense of mysteriousness about it and I enjoyed it. A really cool idea
Thank you! As I said it's a oneshot story that still needs some cleaning up to do but, I do what I can.
Hi, Twinkle here to review.
I have to say you have created quite an atmosphere from the very beginning of the story. The hidden mysteries of the old mansion, it seemed. I don't know the person's name but that itself created another mystery. Just like watching a masked person walk around the halls. For a horror story, I think that's acceptable.
Even though, there wasn't really anything scary going on at first, I still couldn't help but feel that something MIGHT happen. The way the person looks at the paintings and his eyes stop at that one painting. That part was probably one of my favorites because it brought along a sense of suspense to it.
It would bring a little more fright into the story if the butler just suddenly appears behind the main character. As this guy is too mesmerized in that painting, trying to remember, he doesn't notice the butler walking towards him. It doesn't really have to be a major fright at the end of the story. You can use little things to create that fear in the readers' minds before the main finale or the last part where the major fright takes place.
Having said that, my second favorite part was the narration about the girl. It was so perfect, clearly showing the atmosphere of mystery that surrounded the girl herself, and proving that she was no ordinary girl. The last part, though, I was a little unsure of what happened exactly. However, I liked how you ended it off with 'My little wolf'. It was kinda scary but mostly mystery and suspense. Even so, I think you did a great job. Keep it up! =]
Thank you thank you! All in all I was inspired by a single song to write this.
Of course this is the final update for this one shot story. Will do finishing touches on it soon. Can you guess what tale I was using?
Yo!
I'm Sarah, and I'm here to review this piece!
Alrighty, I gotta say, this was some interesting text. I liked how you'd added the mask people in there, it made it more suspenseful! The main character is really, (to me), witty yet funny and admirable. Also, he's bad assed. XD That is awesome!
Although, there are a few things in this that could be fixed. For one, when writing dialogue, it is important to add a comma afterward when the person is doing something. Like when you said:
"Red Waltz" she said with a low voice.
It would make it more clearer if there was a comma after Waltz. That way, it'll look like if it's still in a sentence, which it is. It's the same with this sentence:
"Fairy Tales are more real than you imagine"
I believe, (you don't have to), that there should be a comma after imagine.
Overall, I really enjoyed this! It's a nice outtake on the typical ballroom dances and parties as such like these. The main character is awesome and epic and the action in this was great!
Well, I hoped out a little.
Until we meet again,
- SunsetSprite
Thank you! I do indeed like to write a lot but need criticism.
Thank you! I do indeed like to write a lot but need criticism.
^^ I do too. But apparently mine don't make sense. ._.
XD
Hmmmm interesting piece, but there were some things that annoyed me a bit.
You seemed to think instead of "were", "was" applied to a sentence. E.g.
"People around the main floor was dancing around to silly music."
The grammar is a bit messed up there, and in other areas to, but I'll let you pick those out.
Well done on the creativity, it was a fascinating concept you conjured up. But then again, it wasn't that chilling or horrific, so I'd hardly call it a horror. I feel it's still a mystery, but a bit of a fantasy too.
Anyway, keep up the writing,
Legy.
Thank you!
Didn't really figure out which genre it would of went in but M/Fantasy does work better.
Mess ups galore! Yeah I be full of em. Thanks for reading the story.