Published March 21, 2008
I was bored when I wrote the poem that all the responses are about. It was, admittedly, the stupidest poem I've ever written. So I have deleted it.
Adios.
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The others have had their say so why not me? I personally thought this was amusing. Very fun. Although the others are right about the mistakes you had but I thought the line that Jared pointed out, I thought it should have gone differently but I can't think of how I though of it before. Ah well.
D7M
I didn't like it because of 2 things. The whole time I felt like it was screaming out at me, and the second thing is that it had too many "simple" words, mix it up a bit, take some chances. ALSO don't swear it just ruins it.
I have a problem with you calling him a "retard" in the final line and the title. Surely you could find a more aggressive, suitable word. Calling someone a "Retard" is more like a "oh yeah, well, you smell!" "Oh really? Well... you're a retard!" playground insult. Perhaps calling him a more "I hate you!" term, like Asshole? I just think it'll work so much better.
I think if you took this part out:
...it would be so much better.
Happy editing!
Yeah, this really isn't much more than a childish rant. Sure you have rhyming, but nothing else remotely poetic is the way it reads. And the word retard is very offensive to me, so it gives my no sympathy for the writer. I think it is still acceptible in the US, but it comes from the French word for slow and refers to people with developmental and intellectual disabilities. There are far more appropriate insults.
Just to let you know, I don't think all caps is allowed in the subject. I could be wrong, it might be different since you only did it with one word, but that's what I've heard, so just so you know.
Well the whole thing just seemed like a immature rant!
A good poem should actually have a point and meaning. This had neither. It made no since and frankly was not enjoyable to read.
To me it just seemed like you were angry and just wrote up a poem with one cuss word, a slur, and immature ending.
Good job BBB! This was a perfectly acceptable poem, BBB, and it's great that you scraped that previous critique.
Basically, this is more like a simple, bland, bad prose scribble into lines. It's bad, yes, but we can teach you how to make it better!
"Rusty, why the hell?!
You left and came back with...
her?!
You pissed me off
and made me cry
You made me want
to curl up and die
why, oh, why
did you choose me over her?
You left me because you never saw
What I was when you were gone
We were in love
but now
your gone
why, oh, why
were you a retard?!?!"
Obviously, you have created an incredibly unique --or maybe not so unique-- style. It's blunt, it's laced with anger, and it's...annoying. Style should be regarded more subtly than simply calling out "retard!" and having numerous "!?!?!?". In a perfect world, we wouldn't have exclamation and question points because the line itself would already decide what it is.
And then, your grammer/spelling/rhyme/etc. etc. etc. seems off by a lot. Why do you capitalize some lines, leaving others uncapitalized? Plus, you're; your; you are. Consider that. And when it comes to rhyming, don't just put a word randomly because it rhymes with a different word! It stops the flow.
Hopw I helped!
Sadly I agree with Jared emotion is nothing if reader not intrested. This is boring, it doesn't even let people be intrested :/. Sorry also don't critique the critique.
That's not nice, I know your suppose to critique but not be so harsh that the person never wants to come back. You should think before you type.
As a poem I think it shows emotion, the WHOLE POINT IN POEMS!!!!!!!
Just listen to the critiques above.
CHEERS!!!!!!!
Okay, Jared.... that was kind of uncalled for. It is a poem, and it's a pretty good representation of feelings and emotions and all the sorts of things that people learn about in middle school english, so.... just lay off a little.
Well, Katie, this poem's pretty cool! But I'd like to point out your spelling errors, friend, because I am obsessive compulsive.
This should be "now you're gone." It's a homonym. ^-^
And I don't really know, but I think:
is supposed to be "her over me," but really I have no idea.
Your OCD pally,
Nightfall
[s]Dude.
Seriously. I hope you don't think that this is a poem.
This is... horrible.
Sorry dude.
-Jared
[/s]
EDIT: Yeah, sorry guys. I guess I was just... not very helpful there. Sorry. Okay, here.
I know that it may bring out the voice of your character, but saying 'Retard' in the title isn't right. Could you find something else in place of that?
I agree with Nightfall that this line:
It should be, "did you choose me over her?"
Capitization would also help this piece. You choose to only capitalize a few lines... why not all?
Alright, what I wrote up there was totally unacceptable, I should've realized that. This isn't a horrible poem. But there are some things that you could use to improve it.
IMAGERY: using simple language like that isn't very poetic. You need to make us visualize the author's feelings of hatred.
There were also a few grammatical errors, also.
So, again, I'm terribly sorry for putting that horrible critique up there. I guess I just wasn't thinking. Sorry.
-Jared