Young Writers Society

Those with the negativity on your repitition wrong. If they dove deeper, they'll find that the repeating added something to it that makes it run smoothly. It's quite nice I do believe.

D7M

I think
This poem goes on too long.

No, seriously, right now it's a little bit scattered. Look at all your points and decide which ones are more important to you. Do not worry about rhyme... a lot of poetry doesn't even have to rhyme. So when I see rhymes like:

I know
I will run from the dark
I know
That their orders will bark

Then it makes my eyes want to bleed. Dark and bark? That seems nonsensical and it makes your poem sound humorous when I seriously doubt that is your intention.

Go through the poem, mark up your important points, and condense it. You'll be glad you did.

Nice message. A lot of strong feelings and emotions. I like this. It's really nice. )

I really liked the idea for that poem. It definitely showed the business of going insane! It was very simple, so it had very little depth to it. It would be great if you could add some imagery. I did not feel as if I was going insane. I think it is important to be able to identify with a poem, or any piece of writing.

I think this poem pretty much rules! Sure, there are the fixing of the excessive repetition, but still, a little editing magic and it will be stupendous!

This one's definitely my favorite so far!

~Nightfall

Nice job.



-Berney

I liked the repetition. I think, as you might be able to tell from teh reviews, that there are about a hundred types of poetry preference, and half like repetition, while half do not. A lot of cultures, though, lke the Iniut and parts of India, use repetition to make a point, a statement, or a chantlike mood.

In this piece, I thought the mood was great. It felt, really felt, like there was a something wrong, something bad, something being overcome. And keep in mind, Walt Whitman's first book of poetry didn't sell one single copy!

Write more poems, because this felt real! ^_^

Heyy!! This was a really good poem and a really nice idea!!

I dont agree with it being any eye swore. I I'd like that you refrained the line "I think".

Keep up the good work!!

Kelsi =)

I like the idea, but the way you wrote it is an eye swore. It repeats way to much, I lost interest not even half way through. Stop with the "I Think" and come up with something new to make it flow.

Not only that you were very Brod with what you where saying. You'd say one thing and then say another. You didn't go into enough depth with it I'm afraid.

One more thing, IMAGERY! That really helps a poem. It can keep a reader hooked and have it make more sense. Try writing it comparing to something directly and elaborate.

Hope I help.

Agree with Eimear. "Overkill" is right. The poem revolves around this horrid pattern of repetition. It reeks of first grade. Not only is the repetition annoying, I'm not sure you actually said anything.

I think
we all shall fall
I think
I should answer the call
I think
I want to run wild
I think
You all are too mild

I think it's getting to the point
where I can be myself again
I think it's getting to the point
where we have almost made amends
I think it's the getting to the point
that is the hardest part.

And if you call, I will answer
and if you fall, I'll pick you up
and if you court this disaster
I'll point you home

You think I only think about you
when we're both in the same room
You think I'm only here to witness
the remains of love exhumed
You think we're here to play
a game of who loves more than whom

And if you call, I will answer
and if you fall, I'll pick you up
and if you court this disaster
I'll point you home

You think it's only fair to do what's
best for you and you alone
You think it's only fair to do the same
to me when you're not home
I think it's time to make this something that is
more than only fair

So if you call, I will answer
and if you fall, I'll pick you up
and if you court this disaster
I'll point you home.

But I'm warning you, don't ever do
those crazy, messed up things that you do
If you ever do
I promise you I'll be the first to crucity you
Now it's time to prove that you've come back
here to rebuild.

Hey, nice idea for a poem.

I liked certain aspects of this, but there's no getting away from the repitition, which, gets a little tiring to read to say the least. My rule is a small amount, and leave it at that.

I'm sorry to admit that this is total overkill man. Many readers lose interest if a poem is structured this way, myself included. I would suggest perhaps slicing the lenght in half, and really polishing the whole thing up, to make it great.

Sorry to be so blunt, but you've got something here, and I'd like to see it when its re-drafted.

Eimearxx