This ended rather abruptly. Combined with the sudden switch from second to first, and the entire piece overall feels disjointed and incomplete.
First- and second-person can work very well together (it's personally a favorite technique of mine to blend the two), but there needs to be a clear reason to use both in the same piece, and balancing between the two can be quite tricky. Right now, I can guess at the reason for using second-person (to get readers to empathize with the narrator), but the balance is off, being tilted too far towards first. There's also the matter of how using second tends to alienate at least some readers.
You could've made this work all in second, or all in first, but I'm really not sure mixing the two is a good idea for this particular piece. There are more consistent ways to generate empathy than using second-person which do not run the risk of alienating your readers, and I would recommend using one of those ways instead.
Points: 72525
Reviews: 1220
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