Young Writers Society

This seems to be a very sarcastic piece of writing to me, as if you're almost mocking the girl that seems shy so that she appears to be something more sinister. If this is the effect you want, then great, go for it. But be a little bit more obvious. I don't mean starting out with something like, "Hey, this is sarcastic!" but make the tone more hateful and biting towards the girl so that we can feel the hate. This will automatically make us wonder if she really is shy, seeing as there is so much hate directed to her.

If this isn't the intended effect, then you're missing the mark. Regroup, figure out what you want to say, and then re-say it. As it is, I think it's an interesting idea. Usually, the shy girls are not seen as the villains, and it's refreshing to see it done in this way.

Hello!

I think that this was a good idea. The titles was really good and the concept was really nice but you didn't put into it your full potential. I felt that you were struggling to get out a deeper message but it didn't come out the way you wanted it. If this were longer and if you tried harder with imagery instead of just words, you could get some of that meaning out. Maybe you should try writing this poem from the girl's point of view first so that you can understand what you're trying to portray from the viewer's point of vew and you'll get a better feeling from your readers. You had some okay lines but altogether you just need to put more time into it.

PM me if you have any questions!
Happy editing!
~Rieda

I can't really reda any emotion in this poem besides disgust. To me it seems like a hurried peice of writting and the title was so promising. Add more details and emotions and it could be really amazing.

There didn't seem to be many layers to this. One of the greatest things about poetry is that you can read it many times and there might be something different that you catch each time. Essentially what you have is someone bashing a girl who seems to just want pity. While the part about the other girl might be true, there's not much behind these ideas, and just makes the narrator seem jealous and mean. What might be interesting is if you took the ideas from the stanza:

She knows your eyes are on her.
Hidden beneath lowered lashes,
Pity Girl's eyes will fool you.
Is this really your friend?

This is Ok, but it's too simplistic for me to like. What emotion are you trying to make the reader feel? What do you want us to the of Pity Girl, and of the speaker? What is the message--if there is one? These are things you should think about, because currently I have nothing to take away from this poem. It's just too simple, bland (word choice isn't particular, no imagery or metaphors, just spoken language) and has no strong meaning to it, which over all makes it a weak poem.

Here are some article you might want to take a look at you get you thinking:

Right Word, Right Time by Cadmium
Emotional Poetry by Myself
and Imagery by Something Euclidean (I actually haven't read this one, but come on? It's SE, it'll be good.)

There are also tons of other things you can find in writing tips to help you, and on the internet. Go hunt! Read some poetry even--that is the best place to learn.

Hope this helped.

I don't have time to do a proper critique because I have to go in a minute, but I really liked the idea of this poem, and with a bit of work could be really great.