Published November 10, 2009
My mind is reeling.
I feel sick,
no, twisted.
Everything is against me,
every force of nature.
What have I gotten myself into?
There's never an end to it.
It just hurts.
Over and over again,
it's piercing my veins.
Pain and love,
it's all the same.
Stuck in this rut,
I'll never get out.
Kicking and screaming,
it's no use.
maybe someone will find me.
Six feet under.
When everything's dark,
what do you do?
You can't go up,
you can't go down.
There is no left,
there is no right.
Maybe I don't want to be helped.
Is that the problem?
No one sees.
No one hears.
It's all in my head
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141,415 Literary Works • 674,394 Reviews
Hello, Amber! June here!
Keep it up!
Nice work here. I think you need to focus on finding a poetic voice, a voice that defines what you want to say in words other than the ones you speak in.
In the first line, you say 'My mind is reeling' -- this is good, but the switch to 'I feel sick' is just okay. I think you should personify this sickness, probably have it engross you or do something to you rather than you telling us that you're sick, you know? It's like drawing a line between spoken voice, story voice, and poetry voice, if you know what I'm trying to say?
With that aside, I think you have a good direction to go in. Just try to focus on instead of saying everything, try to squeeze the message into pretty words and whatnot.
Good work here, Amber.
June
thank you. You are 100% correct about that. I didn't really know what I was writing at first. I didn't have a planned out writing style or anything, I just let my emotions go.
I like the poem I understood the message the rythm I didn't get until a little while into the poem. I think that it's a good poem for people to think about. When I read the poem it's telling me about once you give up and decide to die you can't turn back once you done it. Like if you wanted to kill yourself and you jump of a building there is no turn back after you jump.